March Madness means two things to me: there's nothing good on TV for a solid three weeks and I get to do a mega movie marathon. Typically I go to my DVD collection, but I wasn't in the mood for my old favorites this time around.
So off to the library to get some movies that had been on my list to watch.
In this year's Movie Madness I rediscovered the notion that with the fantastic flicks there must also come the really, really bad ones.
I'm not talking about low-budget special effects, corny 80's movies or random sci-fi musicals. The really bad movies have almost no redeeming qualities--and the ones they do have you're only telling yourself in order to justify the hours of your life you can't get back.
In the 12 or so movies I watched in these three weeks, there were a couple I watched twice, some that made me laugh, cry and scream. But one, made me fall asleep.
Ladies and Gents .... a sign it's a bad movie. The crap is emanating so thickly from the screen that your eyes cannot stand it and close.
This bad (bad, bad, bad) movie? Gerry.
Now, I must admit, the only reason I got it was because of Matt Damon. And after watching it, I feel the production company should be sued for false advertising. The paper/reporter who said it was "riveting & captivating story" and "the best film of the year" was either high or watching some other movie.
It's about two friends, Damon and Casey Affleck, out for an afternoon hike in Salt Lake Park. They wander from the trail and get lost. And here, let me spoil the ending for you so you don't have to go through the agony yourself.
Moments after Casey dies, Matt hears traffic and walks to the road. He flags down a car, hops in and leaves his friends body in the windy wasteland.
There are long periods of time where there's no talking. Most of the conversation is them telling each other stories (jokes). They call each other Gerry and frequently use it (Gerry) as a noun, verb, adverb and expletive.
Let me demonstrate: This Gerry movie was a Gerry-in' piece of Gerry. Not as funny when it isn't smurf, is it?
My first attempt, I fell asleep. I continued only to see if it got better--or if there was a big revelation that would make it make sense. Because, I was missing something, right? This Gerry movie can't be so Gerry, right?
The best part--and only mildly amusing part--was when Casey climbed a rock and couldn't get down. So Matt made a dirt mattress (i.e., a two inch pile of dirt and stones) for him to jump down into. The theory was that it would cushion Casey's fall and he wouldn't break an ankle.
It worked--but maybe if he would have busted an ankle it might have been more interesting.
At one point I started timing how long they would go without talking, but I got bored and gave up.
This disaster of a film got me thinking. What other movies made me feel like less of a person for watching them?
So, I compiled for you my Top 10 list of Horrible Movies. Special Thanks to Kriston and Jenni for their input and inspiration.
10. Sideways - Weak plot, not enough of Wine Country, even though it toted it was a movie about life in Wine Country. Vaguely amusing at times.
9. Remake of Planet of the Apes - Just not my kind of movie. Not interesting, and even though I knew the ending, I found it disappointing and dumb.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - What a way to ruin what was an awesome first film. Epic Fail Disney. Epic Fail.
7. Tie: Anchorman & Ace Ventura - Nearly anything by Will Farrell and Jim Carey's early work is crap. Both Kriston and Jenni said they felt they lost brain cells from watching these movies. I'd have to agree. Maybe I don't get the humor. But I'll pass.
6. Pearl Harbor - Boring and just taking advantage of the popularity of World War II movies. Very cliche.
5. Disney's Fantasia - Oddly frightening for a movie created for children. Boring too. My elementary school played this at a movie day. We LOVED movie days. We'd all go to the gym, watch it on the big screen have buttery popcorn and get out of class. At the break of this movie we begged not to go back.
4. Intolerable Cruelty - Another movie I watched all the way through in hopes it would get better. Kerry and I dragged the papasan chairs in our room and had drinks for a movie night. This was way better than the movie.
3. Gerry - Bad enough that it inspired me to write a post about the worst movies I've ever seen.
2. The Exorcist - I have a love-hate relationship with horror movies. I love the thrill and pure release. I hate that most of my childhood fears come from seeing the movies at too young of an age. (Let that be a lesson to you: no matter how cute it is that your little pumpkin isn't afraid of the movie, DON'T LET THEM WATCH IT. THEY WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE)
It's all hate for the Exorcist though. I literally had to will myself not to fall asleep during it. At the end I asked my mom what I missed because this classic supposedly set the standard for decades of horror films. I guess that's why there are so many bad horror films.
And, the worst movie I've ever seen .....
1. Monster's Ball. I wanted to see this movie for two reasons: huge buzz from the Oscars and Heath Ledger. I cannot pick out a redeeming factor from this movie. Plot holes. Poor acting in parts and disturbing story.
Now, I'm all for movies that tear down your world to expose a hard truth for a greater purpose. This was just gritty and dark to be dark and gritty.
Well there you go. 10 movies I would not recommend.
And to help you out a little more ... My tips for your viewing pleasure:
If it's bad, turn it off. It won't get better.
Watch different movies than your normal style. You'll find some gems. Plus you'll sound more intelligent when you tell your friends about the holy piece of Gerry that you wouldn't watch again if you were paid.
Finally, popcorn, papasans and/or booze can redeem the experience even if the actual movie makes you want to poke your eyes out.
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