Shape Up

Dear Birdies who frequent my feeders,

I had hoped it wouldn't come down to this, for we had a pretty amicable deal going.  You, birds of all types, race, genders and sexualities, could eat from my feeders whenever you were hungry.  In turn, I would be serenaded by your cheerful chirps, your witty banter and the various flutterings of wings or general tomfoolery.

But, as most situations, some birds spoiled it for the whole group (or perhaps, flock).

I feel the necessity to draw up this contract because recent evidence has shown a general disrespect for my time, possessions and generosity.

I ask that you respectfully follow these guidelines from this point forward or refrain from frequenting my feeders.  I will not apologize for any curse words or objects I hurl at offenders. 

My requests are simple and not too taxing.

1. Eat from the feeder, and stop throwing the seed on the ground.  This is more so a problem with the South feeder.  Should you see anyone eating carelessly please reprimand them.  Remember, small actions do truly make a difference.  Also, feel free to eat any seed that has fallen from the feeder.  Look past any barbaric trapping you may have about this and consider this "roughing it."

2. After enjoying your meal or snack, fly away from my property or in the very least, find yourself a tree before using the "restroom."  I expect not see any "accidents" on my driveway, front door, back step or car from this point forward.  If you need to do your business, by all means, visit the neighbors.

I realize I have responsibility in this relationship but feel as though I have upheld my side.  Feeders are filled promptly when they start getting low.  I do my part to keep your bird bath water fresh.

Really, these are my only requests.  I am disappointed I need to fill the feeder every week when I see all the wasted seed on the ground.  And I don't need any sunflowers planted, so don't use that excuse.  I enjoy your company but am starting to weigh the expense of wasted seed and cleaning supplies over an MP3 of singing birds and a study in feathers and wings screensaver.

Consider these points and note I'm not going to be so flexible if these problems persist.  While you're at it, have a chat with dear little bunny who gorges himself on my flower beds.  His fluffy little cotton tail won't save his ass much longer.

Sincerely,

the hand that feeds you