Feeling like the truth has found you here

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 23: A Song that You Want Played at Your Wedding


Ok .... I got distracted by You Tube Videos ... checking out America's Best Dance Crew Season 6 winners - IaMmE.  They call their style brain bang and it's perfect description b/c it totally screws with your senses as you watch.  (whoohoo Pacman & Moon!)  Aghhh and then check out Urban Jungle and Office Life (also featuring Hok of Quest Crew)!


Wow. Distracted much?


So my initial thoughts for this song was Without You Here by the Goo Goo Dolls.  But, in my pure euphoria in seeing them live for the first time, I posted it on Day 11 as the Song by My Favorite Band.


I don't like most of the sappy, sugary traditional wedding type songs.


So this isn't a traditional wedding song.  It's a little more dark.  But it's more real life--the journey to that day and all the adventures ahead of you is what a wedding celebrates.  And love songs that are all about the high points and fairy tales come true are a lie.  And boring.


My wedding song choice is:

Become - Let Love In - Goo Goo Dolls, 2006

It's an amazing song that I feel is better reflection of what relationships are.  It might not be an easy road, but we're on it together.  So let's fight and dream together, even when we're lost.


And, it totally makes me cry--isn't that a qualification for a wedding song??  ;-)


Day 24: The Funeral Song.  One of the easiest for me to choose.

A moment in your arms became the reason why

Day 11: A Song from Your Favorite Band

I had to do some minor soul searching when it came to this post.  My favorite bands are Goo Goo Dolls, Blink 182 and +44.  And in different periods of my life I listened to each heavily.  Goo was my teenage years, Blink was my early twenties and +44 captured 25+.

So which is my favorite?  I think I own just as many CDs from the first two and the third only had one. But I think it has to come back to the Goo Goo Dolls.  There are just too many fantastic songs that I will always love.

And, this is a perfect day to write a post about my favorite band.  Because I just got back from seeing them in concert.  I totally held my shit together too, I was impressed with myself.  I wasn't that crazy girl who was crying and draping herself over the stage (she was there though).

I must admit, when Iris started, my knees sagged and it was really all I could do not to cry.  It was one of the moments that the universe gives to just you, even though there are hundreds of people in the room.

So, there are probably 5-10 songs you know from the Goo Goo Dolls.  And they're great.  But there at least 10 more that you haven't heard that are fantastic, just simply beautiful.

Without You Here - Let Love In - Goo Goo Dolls, 2006

So, let's dish about the concert.  Sadly, they didn't play this song.  It was way too short (even though it was a little over an hour and a half?). Robby sang like three songs (two I liked, which was a blessing) and he wasn't wearing any shoes.  We were in the standing mezzanine level, which was an awesome view.  Speaking of which, Johnny was on in the yumminess factor, but was wearing a red baseball cap. So disappointing!  He had a black longish sleeve shirt, khaki pants and older vans style shoes.

I had on a fantastic outfit with light purple shirt with black and white scrolling flowers up the side, black cover up and my awesome purple shoes.  I broke out the Johnny necklace and my Gutterflower emblem and wore earrings in every hole (which I very seldom do anymore), patterned after Johnny's piercing (So, can you believe I wasn't that girl who was crying and making a fool of herself?)

Thank you to Breanna & Robert for inviting me, it was a great night and I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else.

You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

30 Day Music Challenge - Day 5: A Song that Reminds You of Someone

So, initially the only songs I associate with other people are for negative reasons.  I don't use this as a forum to air my dirty laundry, so I couldn't choose them.

Then, there was a song I think of because a friend loves because it reminds her of her childhood ... and that just didn't seem right, it wouldn't have been my song.

I continued to ponder, and Pandora gave me the answer.

Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" played on "My Favorites" station.  Big thumbs down! I really don't like this song.  It's good, but just not my cup of tea for general listening.

But it makes me smile and think of Hokuto Konishi, because of this piece he choreographed to capture the essence of the fuzzy feeling you get when you're falling in love.

Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble - Crazy Love, 2009

You can find the full song or Buble's video if you want.   But when I hear it, all I see is Hok dancing (and his perfect heart at :14 seconds).

And it makes my heart smile.

Swirling Clouds in Violet Haze

30 Day Music Challenge - Day 4: A Song that Makes You Sad

I'm not the type of person to listen to songs that make me sad.  Most songs I enjoy with that undertone usually end in hope.  And I try to listen to more upbeat music when I'm sad ... so I struggled with this day.

I went through my music files and came up with eight songs.  Three songs were from musicals, so context is pretty important to lend the emotion and that's a little bit of an unfair advantage.

But one shone over the others whenI realized that I sometimes skip this song because of how melancholy it makes me.

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) - American Pie - Don McLean, 1971

Vincent is McLean's stirring tribute to the artist Van Gogh.

I've always admired Van Gogh's most well known painting, Starry Night. (I saw it at the MoMA and used it as inspiration when I painted my bedroom.)

But I began to notice often the things I found beauty in were subjects of Van Gogh's art: sunflowers, deep blues and purple, soft greens and finally, my favorite flower Irises.

I'm not sure what exactly the paper was about, but I had to write a persuasion paper for an English class, and I chose to center it around Van Gogh.  At this point, I discovered the song by McLean.  Since, Josh Groban has covered it, also a fantastic version.

It makes me sad because so many are inspired by Vincent's works now.  But he found very little success or praise when he was alive.  Vincent barely made a living and was often tortured by various afflictions of mental illness.  I think everyone can relate to not being appreciated or understood, and McLean captures the anguish we all feel in this song.

Tomorrow: A Song that Reminds Me of Someone ... I had one picked out ... but changed my mind!

Fa a la la la la lotr

For some reason, I had a hankering for The Lord of the Rings series.  And surprisingly, it's getting me in the Christmas spirit.  I think its because there are so many messages of hope that is pulling me in right now.

These are my favorite passages from the first two movies (courtesy of imdb):

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.


Sam: I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.
Frodo: [turns around] What?
Sam: I wonder if people will ever say, 'Let's hear about Frodo and the Ring.' And they'll say 'Yes, that's one of my favorite stories. Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, Dad?' 'Yes, my boy, the most famousest of hobbits. And that's saying a lot.'
Frodo: [continue walking] You've left out one of the chief characters - Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam.
[stops and turns to Sam]
Frodo: Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam.
Sam: Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun; I was being serious.
Frodo: So was I.
[they continue to walk]
Sam: Samwise the Brave..
(I'm only as far as the Two Towers.)

There's so many things I didn't remember.  And so many fantastic little jokes throughout.  It's one of those movies that keeps drawing me back.

But every time I watch it .... I'm still mad at Eowyn throwing herself at Aragorn, even after he tells her he is bound to another.  Seriously, bitch, step off.  He's Arwen's man.  And she's Elvin.  What do you have to offer other than wielding a sword and whining?

Theoden also drives me a touch crazy (speaking of which, so does Denethor, but that's in the next movie).  Theoden gives up when the Keep is breeched.  No hope, no direction to his army, his people who were still fighting.  Actually, he lead them to their death by going to helms deep in the first place.  Eomer is only Rohirrim that I enjoy (and gets the short end of the stick).

I love that Pippin is the one who gets the idea to lead Treebeard South past Isengard to see the destruction Saruman has wrought against the Earth and the trees.

Faramir is the yummiest actor in a cast of very yummy actors.


Some of the scenes aren't as technically shiny, bright and spectacular as I remembered. I don't know if it's because I've watched the technical behind the scenes so much and I have a pretty good realization how it was put together (and totally disillusioned that that is not Elijah Wood's real hair) or if in the years since this series has come out and it doesn't seem so cutting edge anymore.

Putting your heart in it

I saw this performance on Ellen in November.  I was so struck by it that I immediately downloaded a copy of the song.
 
Beyonce -- Flaws and All on Ellen

Just saw it again today and had to share.

My absolute favorite Beyonce performance ever. 

This is it. It might all be gone tomorrow

This season of Grey's Anatomy is in the high form not seen since Prom Night of the Adulterous Sex, Denny's death and the night Snow Patrol was put on the map.

The magic is back.

The writing is quick and witty.  Each main character is rich and complex with story lines given the perfect amount of attention.

And it all started again with Izzy and Denny. 

I've always enjoyed Denny and his relationship with Izzy.  It was the beautiful fairytale with a Shakespearean ending.  It's iconic moment, Izzy in her fantastic pink prom dress laying on Denny's death bed, her forehead pressed into his neck.

A great majority of people will not be able to hear strains of Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars without picturing that moment.

But much has changed at Seattle Grace since.  That night was quite a turning point for our Interns.  That night things stopped being so simple.  So black and white.  They learned science cannot always save them and their choices have irreversible consequences.  You can't go back.

That night Izzy lost her way.  Her whole world changed, collapsed, and she really hadn't found her way back until this season.  Specifically, the moment she realized she was alone.

And then came Denny.

Not a lot of people liked that Izzy could see, talk to and ... with Denny.  I loved it.   This interaction brought back Izzy as she used to be: playful, vibrant. 

She lost her strength and compassion.  She lost her essence.  But Denny, our dearly departed Denny helped her find it again.

And it led her to the clinic and the Interns.  In teaching them she found a balance between the rockstar doctor and the sensitive-sometimes-over-the-line doctor.

She did such a good job engaging the Interns to take learning seriously--where everyone else had failed.  She also played a part in helping Alex heal after yet another train wreck (Ava), Christina find a heart, Meredith commit to an extravagant wedding (which helped her learn that all she really wanted/needed was a good marriage) and George the strength to stand on his own feet.

Izzy touched all the key players of Seattle Grace -- just like we affect everything around us, in so many ways we'll probably never know.

But, I think Izzy's purpose has been fulfilled and she should die. What is there left for her to do?  Because I can't see her growing old with Alex, and I realize there's plenty of more guys for her to sleep with, but really, been there, done that.  If you hadn't noticed, Izzy has been whoring around.  From Denny's death bed to a bathroom floor to destroying George's marriage to Alex on the rebound.

There's more left for George ... than there is for Izzy.

I've said it before.  Writers can do anything.  And I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the next season brings.

Shave a couple years off my life ...

The universe gave us a little reminder on Friday not to take what we have forgranted.

My Dad went in for a knee replacement.  Nothing urgent, in fact the doctors and nurses teased him he was there by his own free will and was, indeed, asking for it.  Knee surgery ... in our world, the world of kidney transplants, three hip replacements, infections, hospital stays running weeks to months and calls in the middle of the day announcing cardiac arrest ... in that world, knee surgery is pretty mild.

So my family very calmly and almost nonchalantly prepared for the surgery.  Mom and I took off work to be with Dad on the day of the surgery.  They picked me up and we went to the hospital.  We checked in and soon they took Dad to be prepped.  We got to see him and sat and chatted waiting for the doctor to give the final go ahead by ceremonious marking of the body part to be cut on.

He arrived and looked at Dad's leg.  As he was feeling the knee, he stopped and looked at Dad.  "What's this lump?" he asked.  Dad said it was nothing, a bump from something that happened during the summer, it appeared and never went away.  But never got any bigger either.

His doctor shook his head with a frown.  "It feels like a tumor," he said.  He went on to explain that in addition to elective knee surgeries, he removed cancerous tumors ... tumors that were often discovered when people came in for different procedures or scheduled check ups.  "Most of the time bumps bring the tumors out to the surface.  Do you know how stupid it would be for me to cut on your knee with a tumor there?"

I think the bottom of all our stomachs dropped out from under us.  I had to sit down.  Dad put his arm over his eyes.  Tumor.  Cancer.

"What can we do so I can get his surgery today?" my dad asked.

His doctor explained a MRI would show if it was a tumor or something else like a fat pocket or fluid, etc. "But there's little chance they'll be able to fit you in today," he said.

"So do the surgery and we'll deal with the lump later," my dad decided.

His doctor shook his head.  "If I did a biopsy when I was in there today, we still wouldn't know for sure.  Because I could only take part of it and miss more behind or beneath it."

He took out his marker and drew a circle on the bed sheet, coloring one section of the circle.  The part that changes a person's life.

"Let me make a call," he said.  With that he disappeared down the hall.

The nurse hovered at the door ... "Are you okay?" she asked in a whisper.  I can't remember if anyone answered.

We could hear his doctor, who I found out is a neighbor of my parents, give orders to nurses around him.

He came back in.  "Dr. So-and-So is a friend and is able to squeeze you in.  The transport team should get you over now.  Then we'll see what'll happen next."

So they cart my dad away.  A nurse explains we where we can wait and it'll take 45 minutes to an hour to find out.

We run an errand then sit in the waiting room.  Stare at the floor.  Look at magazines.  Watch the clock.  I wipe at tears that keep creeping up to my eyes.  Finally they call our name.

We do our best not to run to the prep room.  And there, they are prepping.  We look to the nearest nurse.  Surgery?  What did the MRI indicate?  "It was just fluid from where he hit his leg.  The OR was held for him.  We're getting ready to take him back."


Well.  That's an hour or so that reduced my life span.  

Our hearts and stomachs settle back to their respective places and we take a deep breath.  Talking and joking like we were before, this time with renewed perspective for the good things in life.  The nurse who hovered previously walked past and said "I see smiles, it must have been good news."  I also hear that sentiment and others like "Fluid from a bump" and "Not cancerous" travel down the hallway to the various staff connected to the surgery.

A nurse steps behind the bed and prepares to push it away, said, "Now's the time for hugs and kisses."  Dad looks at us and gives a quick wave.  "Later."  

We go back to the waiting room, almost giddy, so relieved and ready for the wait ahead, because the hard part was over.

Of course that wait was another five or six hours.  Nothing like spending 12 hours of one day at the hospital.

Plus another 16 over the next two days ...

I'm so, so tired. I forgot just how much it takes out of you. So emotionally drained and overwhelmed at the same time.

I am older than the Quarterbacks for the Packers (all of them!)

Morning came too early today. In fact I might just crawl back into bed sometime today for a nap. Either that or the coffee needs to kick in--or get pumped into me with an IV drip.

The Sunday Morning Show is previewing the summer movies. I'm looking forward to Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, The Dark Knight and quite a few others. This looks like a good summer for movies. Now I would have watched The Dark Knight regardless, but I have a high level of anticipation since it was Heath Ledger's last complete movie.

He goes so twisted and dark ... I think I might have a hard time rooting against him. I have always had that odd dark fascination for the ... well, the dark and insanely odd (hence my interest in Marilyn Manson -- I certainly would be interested in the psychology that is behind that).

Okay, back from a shower. I am now slightly more awake, if not slightly less tired. And still slightly slippy from lotion.

Onward and forth! (or some such things)

So there was a birthday. And there is some internal struggle. And a lot of external resentment because there's no life manual.

There's also a banana nut muffin, but that has nothing to do with any of it. It's just breakfast.

Wasn't it Elaine and Kramer on Seinfeld who created a muffin tops business?

Sure, it seems like a great concept (and then they had the problem of what do you do with the bottoms) but I like the whole muffin. I do enjoy pulling the top off and eating it separately. But there's different good things about both. The top is caramelized and slightly more crispy. The bottom, oh the bottom is cakey and pure delicious muffin essence all the way through.

So I guess what I'm trying to say here to you is that muffin tops only is a flawed concept.

I think they should have removed the tops, but sold the bottoms also (you'd get a deal if you bought both a top and bottom). They coulda called it: Top of the Muffin to You (and Bottoms too!)

Around a month ago I received a newsletter from some public interest group I found. It's called Free-range Thinking, it raises a point of view and generates discussion from authors and gives "food for thought" opportunities.

As an aside: It has a brown cow in the masthead. I think that cow knows that I drink soy milk and i think in her own silent way (silent because she is only a picture and I'm not that crazy that pictures of cows talk to me) she's thanking me for it.

Anyway, this month's topic is Why Do You Do What You Do? I'm not going to recap the history, etc. (because that's boring and unoriginal and a pet peeve) so if you want that insight google it (again, GoodSearch for our philanthropic friends).

Moral of the story is that many of us don't actually reflect on why we do what we do. And when that contemplation comes ... it's a stirring moment, or series of moments, and creates a genuine reflection.

Now, my answer, at least until I come up with something better, is: to contribute to something greater than myself.

That's ultimately why I write. Yeah, I'm an incredibly vain person who wants to send her words out into the world for others to read, but I'm doing it give something better or more meaningful then just me.

Numbers don't fulfill that need in me, neither does working in medicine. But it's why I have friendships, connect with family, find meaning in music and movies, try to live greener and even sit in the backyard listening to the wind, water and birds.

That's all for today.

This blog wins the award for most random subjects and tangent filled.

To Hinder, a raccoon

The weather sure has been weird lately. Yesterday morning it poured and then was cloudy and by two it was so sunny. I hope today is the same because it's raining right now. I wanted to tend the garden later on. We'll see. As an aside, I hate blogging about the weather. Can you get any more cliche than that?

Last night around nine I took the cats some cooking scraps. I opened the door and saw a thick, furry tail. Well then, that explains why we have to fill the dishes up to the top every day. We have a fucking raccoon (i almost typed squirrel there, hee hee).

He's a big one, and mean too. I opened the door and flipped on the light, didn't even step foot in there and he growled and hissed at me. But now as I type, I'm not sure if he growled, but I know that he hissed. How weird is it that a raccoon hisses? I don't know why I keep saying "he." I didn't exactly check out the anatomy to make a distinction (more like tossed the pan in, turned off the light and shut/locked the door and ran back to the house).

I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't want to keep feeding the damn thing. I'm thinking of taking the food dishes in a night. I'll either lock them in the container where we keep the food or put them in Sparky's old house where the kittens are. I just need to bring them out each morning.

We had five baby kitties but can only find four now. I think I might know what happened to that poor fifth one.

My latest music interest is the band Hinder. I first heard it's song "Lips of Angel" on the way to Chicago last summer with the Colby girls. Not really listening to the words, I wasn't immediately pulled to the music. When actually heard the words, I was appalled.

The song is a phone conversation with his ex-girlfriend. She calls late one night, crying. Well, the new girl is just over in the next room, and he knows he needs to be quiet. Throughout the conversation he remembers being with her--hearing her voice say his name, wishing his current girl was her, saying that he's been thinking about her and finally, she makes it hard for him to be faithful.

Now the surface of this song makes me want to bitch-slap that guy. Cheating is a deal breaker. And though he may not be doing anything physical with her, he is emotionally cheating on the new chica. He's obviously still hung up on the ex, which is fine. But he shouldn't be in another relationship or sneaking around talking to her. But I digress.

There are two things that make me like this song. The emotion and forlornness in the guy's voice and the devotion to the ex-girlfriend. Everything else aside, it's an honest conversation filled with regret, guilt, longing, jealously and probably some delusion. But her voice takes him back to a happy part of their relationship, through rose-colored glasses they share a perfect moment. And perfect moments--no matter how they hurt others, are wrong and all other consequences forgotten--are something special.

The next song from Hinder, "Better than Me," I liked instantly. The music, the lyrics, yeah. It starts with an acoustic guitar (which I always love) and very simple vocals. There's just something about his voice that draws me in. Is it the scratchy rocker voice? Is it the feeling that he's singing from deep down in his gut and act of expelling the notes and words are the only things that are keeping him breathing?

The message I take from this song also has me conflicted. Better than Me is about a man reflecting on the relationship he ended. "I think you can do much better than me, after all the lies I made you believe." The lyrics are him remembering what they had together and what he'll miss. It also expresses the way she impacted him, and that even when he's older he'll still think about her--how we carry the people we love with us. Good or bad, the way they make us feel can be called back with a memory or a familiar sight. "And I think you should know this, you deserve much better than me ..."

The part that has me conflicted is that he broke up with her because she deserves better. I always hated when that happened in movies or books. It should be her decision not his. That always felt like a cop-out--and way to fake being noble when really it's just an easy way out rather than working for a relationship. On the flip-side, if he really is being shitty to her and she can't see it b/c she's so head over heels in love....

Hinder's best quality, and something not all rock bands can capture, is the music can be strong and powerful one moment and then next beat it's quiet and solemn. That range is what really makes their music interesting.

A week or so ago, I just had to hear their first single, "Get Stoned." Though it is not as lyrical as the other two, the lead singer has same raw quality voice that I enjoy. I love cadence and the beat of the song is fun. This song is more of a screaming-type of song--and I can't sing along and be on key with this one. It's about a dysfunctional relationship: the highest highs ;-) and lowest lows---they're not good for each other, but they're oh so good to each other.

Despite everything (and maybe a primal because of everything), I enjoy this song.

At first, I thought the lead singer reminded me of Marilyn Manson. He's very skinny and does that weird tilting-back arching thing where he throws his hand to the side like Manson. But then, after I saw the video for "Get Stoned" and something on Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, I realized they are really more similar. (though he still reminds me a little of Manson).

All in all, Hinder really isn't my type of band. The three songs I just described are about defunct relationships, and I'm not willing to buy the CD to find out if there's any more depth or intellect to the group. Nonetheless, those three songs were strong in my rotation.

Random music note, I popped in the blink-182 untitled CD (which is, of course, magenta). Good stuff (an evolved blink, one that makes me sad that I won't ever hear the next step). And extra great enjoying some music I'd forgotten (and Mark says on his blog that +44 is playing some blink songs at their concerts. I wonder how royalties might work for something like that...) I have to buy a new copy, mine's getting scratchy. Check it out too, if your so inclined.

Not Fade Away

When Grey's Anatomy debuted I specifically refused to watch it on the principles that I didn't need to watch a mix of Desparate Housewives and ER. That's right, I made special efforts to avoid it the nights it was scheduled.


Then one Saturday I was flipping through the channels and there was this girl, trying to deal with the fact that she slept with this dreamy-looking, floppy-haired guy who she later found out was one of her bosses. The writing was clever and witty ... then she said "We're adults. How did that happen? And how do I make it stop?" I connected, and I think, became forever hooked. All too soon the episode was over and I was upset. I wanted more! But joy, another episode was on next. Roll title credits and d'oh! Grey's Anatomy. Oh well, I can admit I'm wrong in the shadow of sheer brilliance.


So Part 2 of the longest three parter of my life, until they do it again ... the ferry boat equals Meredith, the lost little girl equals Meredith, Derek pulls Mer out of the water of the bathtub, Der pulls Mer out of the harbor. I thought the explosives in the guy's chest was suspensful.

As I was freaking out afterwards, Dad said, "It's only a show." Well, yeah. It IS only a show--but it's ONLY THE BEST SHOW ON TV!

When the show went to Thursday I thought I was going to have a hard time giving up CSI. But from the very first episode, I didn't think twice by tuning into ABC. Hell, I'll watch it again Friday if it was an awesome show. (I'll only watch the first part of the show tonight...I can't bear any more right now--okay, now they're showing the bomb episode...the Meredith saying she's going to die episode--is this forshadowing or just a network screw-up?)

Sheer brilliance--seriously. This show takes you on a ride for an hour, and it's the kind of ride that makes you want to throw up. But the second you get off, you hop right back in line to do it again ... kind of like life. The best things in life have their extreme ups and downs that make you laugh, cry, want to throw up and feel a deep sense of loss when they are over.

The writers have this keen ability to create human characters that everyone can relate to. We have a bit of them in us: dark and twisty Meredith, competitive Christina, complusive Izzie, optimistic George, smart ass Alex, The Nazi Bailey, torn Richard, misunderstood Mark, gracious Burke, charming Derek, outsider Callie and broken Addison.

They also chose actors that don't make you hate them because even though they are scary and damaged they're also hollywood beautiful. The talent and writing allows you to forget about that as you sink into their world.

We're plagued by the Knight in Shining Whatever Syndrome. Ladies want one, Guys want to be one. But in the same breath some of us don't want to fall into that stereotype. We want more ... and we don't believe in that happily ever after.

A generation going to college, graduating and trying to cope with this McLife.

Like I said, brilliant, seriously. Sure it's dark and twisty, but there are those bright and shiny moments.

Will Meredith live? I don't know, as Shonda (writer/creator) said herself, she killed Denny she blew up McHottie the Bomb Guy (aka: Kyle Chandler), she doesn't play by TV's rules.

Reasons I think they could kill Mer:

• There's still another Grey on the show
• Mer could do naration
• Think of the tale spin (and storylines) it could send the rest of the characters

They CAN kill Meredith. They're writers, they can do anything.

But please, don't! I (and millions of others) have too much invested in this show's formula and in Meredith to let that go.

Starry Night at Boy Meets World

I was feeling nostaglic this afternoon ... or I don't know, inspired.

So I pop in, after some debate, an episode of Boy Meets World. Immediately I remember walking through the Phoenix Club, going to the 4E office and hearing the familiar tones from the tv... and seeing the college guys going crazy and transfixed over this show.

That just makes me laugh. So much.

So this wasn't just any episode. It took my breath away. And I found today that it still does.

It's the episode where Angela and Topanga go to the art musuem to check out the Van Gogh exhibit. (holy crap!)

The previous episode(s) Corey chatted up this girl and they kissed. Needless to say it looked pretty dim for the two love birds.

And then in one shimmering moment in front of Van Gogh's irises there he was. Topanga had ended his baseball career all with one fast ball to the butt.

Ah, but he had found art ... and there he was basking in the glory of brilliance ... Starry Night. (Now kiddos, I know what you're thinking, but I had already had my Van Gogh fan card validated before this night)

Ricky Ferris, played by Jonathan Jackson (aka: General Hospital's Lucky) absolutely took my breath away. I would like to think that it wasn't Jackson that puts butterflies in my stomach but the guy he respresents.

They talked about art and culture and they met in a flippin' museum for godsakes! He took her out to this amazingly quaint French restaurant and then drew her a bouquet of gorgeous flowers.

Just writing about it makes my heart flutter. This guy ... though fictious in this form ... is the guy I want ... he's who I'm searching for. And I'm not settling for Joe on the Street, who doesn't know Starry Night from speckly easter eggs. He needs to make butterflies flutter up and by and around just as Ricky Ferris did.

And until that day ... well I don't know .... I do look forward to that day and every day after it. And though I'm not less of a person until that day he comes ... I am itching to see "Starry Night" in person a little bit more.

I'm also itching to watch Boy Meets World again .... oh how I wished she would choose Ricky!

Topanga: Just tell me what you see in the painting, Cory.
Cory: [peers at Starry Night] I see an attack.
Topanga: An attack?
Cory: An attack from another world.
Topanga: An attack from another world. All right, let's look again. What about the relationship between God and man?
Cory: Oh, okay. I was about to get there. See, God, unhappy with how some particular humans treat other particular humans who love them, has decided it's the end of the world. And I think he's right.
Topanga: God is protecting the people in this little town! They live their lives and they come out of their houses, and they see this sky and they know God's protection and love. And that everything will be all right.
Cory: Listen, how do you expect me to see good in anything when I feel so bad in here?

The Human Peep Show that is our Lives

People are evil. The world is a bad place.

Last night on CSI a woman used her husband's best friend (with his wife's consent) to get pregnant. The husband found out, was upset and killed his best friend, and the best friend's wife. This resulted in the drowning death of their young daughter. His wife found out about the deaths of the family and ran away. On the same night, she was raped and attempted suicide by pouring alcohol over her head and setting herself on fire. This act started a forest fire. However, she was left alive, trapped in her badly burned body. The doctors had to cut off her fingers in order to prevent the spread of infection. The ending? She is pregnant and her husband is going to jail.

Tonight on Joan of Arcadia we find out Adam, a brooding puppy dog artist, is cheating on Joan. They are the typical high school couple who were friends for years and found each other after struggling through the controversey life has thrown at them. Their friendship has developed into a deep bond, but along the line, primal nature kicked in and Adam had sex with a random girl. She was justa a random chick, an easy lay. He threw away love ... for animal nature.

My first thought was the media. Looking for the easy shock, the most drama to get the viewers. Frankly, on a matter of simple business, you give the consumers what they want. And society wants the high rollers, the gross out stunts, the beautiful people and the heartbreak of human nature. Who can blame the media for listening to their audience?

My next instinct simply was: the world has gone wrong, in a mighty bad way. Well then, put in me in a box and sprinkle me with depressed dust to suck the hope from my soul.

So the next part should be a rationalization. It's like this because ... or it's this way but ...

Not this time. Not tonight.

That's life. When "this too shall pass" will again eventually lead to another time of darkness.

Damn. How does it work when the gift of free will is the ultimate downfall of society?