Tabloid Generation Lost

Last weekend my mom and I went Christmas shopping.  We stopped for lunch and it was a less than pleasant experience.  At the table behind us there was a middle aged to older man who couldn't keep his bigoted opinions to himself.

Now I need to preface my stream of thoughts with this guy was having a conversation with the people at his table.  He wasn't talking overly loud, I just have good hearing.  My short-term issue of a ruined lunch could have been avoided by asking our server to move us to a different table.  

This man had an opinion about everything.  He talked about the federal reserve, immigration reform, diamond minds and ebola.  But it wasn't so much as he had an opinion, but his delivery of the monologues (because they weren't truly conversations) was that what he was saying was fact.  I am not a betting person, but I would be pretty confident that 1) he didn't get his information from informed sources 2) he would be 80 percent wrong in his opinions.  I would also bet that if asked, this would be the type of man who think the Packers made a mistake when trading Brett Favre.  (Yes, I'm generalizing and pointing fingers.)

It was really hurtful sitting through this, listening to the uninformed nonsense spilling from this man. I muttered something under my breath at one point, I'm not sure what exactly, but the general thought was he is dumb and racist.  My mom caught wind of it and after I explained what was going on she looked uncomfortable.  She knows I have very strong opinions, and I have had moments where my dad and I have gotten into verbal sparing over political issues.

Like others, I generalize.  In reality, maybe this guy has some goodness in him.  Maybe he loves his mother and is really nice to puppies.  However, what I was not incorrect about was his ideals and opinions were uninformed and racist.  And the one time that a young man who was eating with him challenged him, he couldn't support his argument anymore.  His response?  You should be on FOX News! (Oye)

We generalize and form opinions without education because it has become hard to find untainted information.  There's such a wealth of information without the application to create unbiased knowledge.  We're all guilty of it ... I don't seek out news and research current events.  I'd rather read the likes of the Divergent series, go through Pinterest or watch unimportant YouTube videos.  Today (through facebook) I saw a photo of the cop who killed Michael Brown.  My first thought?  "I can't believe how young he is."  And, "I wonder if this could have been avoided with better training."

I won't pretend to know anything about this case.  Because of the subject matter, I shut it off and have avoided it.  (Yes, that's wrong too.)  But, seeing the continued aftermath of the issues in Ferguson, Missouri I feel sad.  Because I'm afraid that the situation could happen in nearly any community in the US. I am disheartened that there is still so much injustice in this world based on the color of your skin, your economic status, religion, sexual orientation .... you name it, really.  As a society we are not accepting or welcoming towards things that are different from ourselves.  Sometimes it feels like if you're not a rich, white man, you're already losing.

I know I am not in the majority when it comes to a lot of my opinions.  There are many times that in my family or my circle of friends I feel like I'm the one in left field.  But I don't what's worse, standing up for what you believe in, even if you can't change an opinion or an outcome or remaining silent just because it's easier?

How could I have ever passed you by?

Back again to the 30 Day Song Challenge.  I swear I'll finish before I turn 31 (I hope).

It's Day 28 - A Song that Makes You Feel Guilty.

This song hit me on the way to work last week.  I was innocently singing along, even though I had only heard it once before, when I started to cry.  I could not believe the heartache and anguish I felt while absorbing the lyrics.  I haven't been able to listen to it since without choking up, but I think it may be my favorite song from the album.

bulletproofAngel, The Goo Goo Dolls, Magnetic, 2013



This song is from the Goo Goo Dolls new CD, just released last week (thank you 2 day delivery Amazon Prime). The first time I listened to this song I really didn't like it.  I'm not quite sure why, but the first impression just didn't do it for me.  But when I actually listened to the lyrics, it completely changed my perspective.

This hits my emotions in so many places.  First, the message I pull is that there are so many people in our world--whether it's your neighborhood, workplace or community--that we don't notice or don't take the time to hear their stories.  There have been plenty of times that I have felt unfairly judged because people don't know me or know my situation.  I certainly know I'm guilty of the same.

The second primary message of this song for me revolves around mental health issues and under-served populations.  Here Johnny spins a woman in poverty (who is probably there because of untreated mental health problems) to an enlightened soul who sees the truth.  It's certainly a romantic view, but it also breaks my heart.  We are so unequipped as a nation to help the masses that struggle.  We don't value the general well-being of the working poor (or even middle class, but that's a blue post for later).  Years ago, when I started in the nonprofit industry, it was generally agreed upon by agencies in my town that most public agencies could not recognize a person afflicted with mental health issues (and no, it's not always as obvious as hearing an invisible choir).  Now, unfortunately due to the economic downturn and rise in gun violence, mental health issues have become a talking point, but little more.

This song makes me feel guilty because I'm happy and healthy and comfortable in my life.  I've worked hard to get where I am, but I know there are so many people around me struggling for so many reasons.

I will never be able to do enough to solve the world's--or even one person's---problems.  And sometimes I simply don't have the emotional energy to listen or try.

Day 29 is A Favorite Song from Your Childhood (no guarantees of when this post will come).

Check out Day 28 or start with Day 1 (A Goo Goo Doll Classic)

A television war between the cynics and the saints

Sometimes, I become disheartened with the world or the people around me.  There are so many things that challenge our morals and beliefs.  There's always those "hot button" issues that have extreme sides.  So few of us, in these issues, can come to the middle and say it's not that I'm right and you're wrong, but maybe we both have valid points.   We grow confident when we are the majority, but some shout even louder when very few stand with them.

Our interconnected always plugged in nature only emphasizes the issues, the arguments and sometimes, the hate.  I have to hold my tongue (or fingers) when it comes to reacting to the opinions of the people around me.

Of course, around election time is nearly unbearable.  At one point, I saw an App that claimed to filter your Facebook friends to Red vs. Blue to determine what posts made it to a news feed.  Let me tell you - I seriously considered signing up for it.  And to be honest, I have unfriended or "unsubscribed" from friends solely because of their opposing political view.  I'm not sorry I did it either.

In my 30 Day Music Challenge, I have been listening to older songs in my collection.  I came across "Affirmation" by Savage Garden, which I have already written about here.

And I'm saddened that so many of the issues set forward in 2000 are still unresolved today.  (But on a lighter note - I'm super glad that bleached hair look went out of style.)

The only thing I can hang on to, to get me through the trying times is positive affirmations ... like this song, inspiring quotes or the positive people around me.  And I hope that one day we can work together create a better place where equality and peace are more important than agendas and greed.

In fact, I am told that a lot

I had a hard week.  A couple of reasons that are unavoidable ... weather, the calendar, etc., etc.  I realized that I miss writing for fun.  I don't write as much anymore because it's what I do (in part) for a living.  My brain is so damn tired when I get home that the last thing I want to do is think (and things I don't want to do at night when I get home is a very long list!)

So, I thought I would pick up on the 30 day song challenge that I failed miserably at ... I stalled at Day 24 because life got in the way.  I got a new job and my grandfather died ... but with nearly two years past, I think it's okay that I pick it back up for a "mindless" writing session.

With out further ado:  30 Day Song Challenge - Day 24: A Song that You Want Played at Your Funeral

The song I'm choosing for Day 24 is a sweet, yet melancholy song.  

I don't know what it means that I had to wrack my brain for most of these songs, but I instantly knew the song I wanted played at my funeral.

The Luckiest,  Ben Folds, Rockin the Suburbs, 2001

I go back and forth with this song ... sometimes it feels like a love song, other times it feels like one last gasp from a deathbed.  I suppose, it can be both at the same time.

The rhythm is slow and contemplative   The piano is lonely and hopeful.  This song is a reflection on the good memories and missed opportunities that make up a life of moments that are meant to be.

This song is a lesson that it's the people around you that make a life special, not possessions  accomplishments or money.  Love, family and friends are the things that span all time and space.

Rockin the Suburbs (also a great song you should check out) was released on September 11, 2001.  Wow, way to not be relevant.  But I would contend it makes "The Luckiest" even more meaningful.

Catch up ... Day 23 is here or if you'd like to start from the beginning, try Day 1.

Sonic hearing

I've never really admitted this to anyone before.  But I hate going to the doctor ... and I try to avoid it at all costs.  There are some superficial reasons like I'm overweight and embarrassed to step on the scale.  Also,  for a long time, like many Americans, I either didn't have health insurance or it wouldn't be fiscally feasible or budget-friendly to go.

But the issue goes deeper.  Four years ago I was miserably sick and the doctor told me it was all in my head ... basically telling me that I was making it up.  It took four months, four different medications that either did nothing at all or made me feel worse before I was diagnosed.

My father has a long running history of hospital visits.  I've written about his kidney transplant before, but we've also had multiple hip replacements, knee replacements and extended stays with battling infections.

I do what I can to stay away from the examining rooms in our local facilities.

This summer I really felt I had no other option.  I've had a sinus headache pretty much since June.  That in itself, other than inconvenient and annoying, is something I'm relatively used to.  Summer time = allergies.  One morning I woke up to nausea and vertigo and had what may be my first sick day of working life.  I tried to tough it out ... after all I didn't have a fever or any other issues.  After the symptoms subsided a bit I noticed a pressure in my ear. The symptoms came and went: nausea, vertigo, hot and cold flashes and fogginess. I self diagnosed maybe a sinus infection or ear infection and figured with a little rest it would go away by itself.

It didn't and I gave in.  I was terrified that they would tell me there was nothing wrong with me.

I didn't have any infections and my diagnosis was pretty lame, but at least it gave credence to what I was feeling and didn't brush me off.  I guess that's the difference between a good doctor and someone who shouldn't be in a field where they need to interact with people.

All the allergies and sinus pressure were putting pressure on my inner ear.  They tested my ears/hearing and found I have highly sensitive hearing -- the doctor literally told me I have sonic hearing, one level below what dogs can hear and better than 90 percent of other people.

(As an aside .... I may have found my superhuman powers from my tick bite: Sonic Hearing!)

My treatment: be more religious about taking my allergy pills before I feel sick and use my neti pot more often.  But I'm back on their radar again and I may have to overcome my fears and insecurities and start going to the doctor regularly.

You'll hold the ranch and you'll like it!

I had an interesting experience at that one sandwich shop today.

First it was probably a 20 minute wait, with people looped around in line.  It was a pleasant wait, a couple of cute young guys (gee whiz, they do exist) and one friendly one to chat with.

Fast forward to the veggie and sauce part of the line and I say no sauce/dressing,  Sure, I ordered a bacon, chicken ranch  ... but I didn't want the ranch,

Guy behind the counter was shocked.  Really, dude?  If that's the strangest request you received, you need to go answer phone calls for a human service nonprofit agency for a month.

Then we'll compare our "strange" notes.

Today, was a good day

My emotions have heightened since moving to a new job.  With a four months in, I'm having lots of ups and downs.

I have really fantastic invigorating, mind-blowing days that I learn and create and walk away with such inspiration.  I feel so fulfilled and at home.  This, this is what I've been looking for!

But there are days when I feel so beaten down, frustrated and doubtful about my own abilities.  I want to hide in my office so they don't come banging down my door because the powers that be realized they made a mistake.  Pulled down and behind on deadline, fending off and cleaning up mistake after mistake.

What the fuck was I thinking?!  Sure, I wasn't being paid or couldn't go to the doctor, but at least I knew what the hell I was doing, and considered (somewhat) good at it!

Regardless of the day, I go home to Hercules who greets me with a tilt of the head which means he will be catapulting himself across the floor for a belly rub.

And I'm thankful for my dear friends who remind me I felt similar (and more stressed out) when I started my first job six years ago.  It will get better. It will be more familiar.  And soon, there will be more good days than bad.

Today, was a good day.

Mr. Monk and the Killer Cat

Tuesday morning I heard an odd noise.  Tap, tap, tap, slide.  Again and again from the basement.

At first I didn't know where it was coming from.  I thought it might have been something off in my dehumidifer.  Or perhaps it was some plant, bush or tree smacking against the house.  I investigated every possibility I could think of.

I opened the door from the kitchen that goes back to the basement and Hercules (my cat) snuck down.  He ran straight to the dryer and then we heard the sound.  Now, I doubt this is what happened, but I'm going to choose to remember it this way.  Herc and both looked at each other, perplexed.

It was getting time for work, so there wasn't much to do but hope it would resolve itself.

I returned home and heard the same sound, again Hercules zipped pass and ran to the dryer.  I had deduced that there was a chipmonk in the tube that connects from the dryer and vents outside.

Now, I suppose I had a couple of options.

1. I could leave it in and have a dead chipmonk in the dryer vent.
2. I could let it out and have a live chipmonk running around my basement.

I guess I figured live was less smelly of two evils.  So I tapped the vent and slipped it off.  I took a quick look in, didn't see anything and went outside to bring in groceries, leaving Herc in the basement.

After around 15 minutes Herc came upstairs and I shut the door leading to the basement.  The night passed and we were getting ready for bed when thought of my furry house guest creeped into my head.  I considered going downstairs, hoping maybe Herc got lucky and killed it so I wouldn't have to set a trap.  In the dark? And risk running across a live Monk?  Ah no.

So I changed into my pj's and realized how cold it was.  I went into the office, shut the window and as I walking back .... a dead chipmonk in the middle of the floor.  Thank god I didn't step on it!

So I have a little Monk Killer who left me a present ... at least it wasn't in the bed!

You cross the line and there's no turning back

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 22: A Song that You Listen to When Sad

I'm not sure how I discovered this song.  I remember listening to it at work in college.

I find a hopeless feeling in this song. My initial association links it with the Columbine shootings, though I know I discovered it later.

Youth of a the Nation, Satellite, P.O.D. - 2001

It's a song of failure.

It marks a loss that no one else notices.

It's a haunting cry that no one heeds.

It's a song I listen to when I'm sad and need to dwell.

I think it's time that I should leave

Day 20: A song you listen to when you're angry

I must admit, I love me some angry songs.  It really does the trick to get that release.

Sometimes I just need to crank up the music when I'm all alone in the the car and belt out lyrics littered with F-bombs.

And this song is perfect for that ... because most of the time, I end up smiling.

Shut Up - Take Off Your Pants and Jacket - Blink-182, 2001

It's that race that took over, it controls you both

Day 17: A Song You Often Hear on the Radio

I very rarely listen to the radio, but I can hear it from the reception area in the office.  As everyone can relate, the radio has their playlist on repeat, and I ignore most of the songs.  But my ears always perk upwhen I hear this song.

Love the Way You Lie - Recovery - Eminem Ft. Rihanna, 2010

I've always liked Eminem and I loved the collaboration with Rhianna.  This video is good too.  My how our little Merry has grown up. :-)

I'd love you like a fire red, now it's turning blue

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 16 - A Song You Used to Love but Now Hate

I don't hate this song, I'm just sick of it.  I don't want to listen to it any more.

Apologize - Dreaming Out Loud - One Republic, 2006

It was in the rush of Grey's songs and anything that sounded like that style.  I think I over did it.  Now, it's an automatic skip.

It's freezing in the corner of my mind

Day 15: A Song that Describes You

I poured over my song library searching for a song to describe me.  I listened to every station I have on Pandora.  Unfortunately no single song jumped out ... I had a list of eight songs.  I suppose that's a good sign, it means I'm multi-faceted and complex, right??

I decided on this song, because there are quite a few lines that I relate to ... and, well, I feel describe who I am.

Ain't that Unusual - A Boy Named Goo - Goo Goo Dolls, 1995

Specifically ... "there's something I wished I said, but I don't think it'd rhyme" and "freezing in the corner of my mind."  I feel as though I very much live in my head ... sometimes a good thing, but it also holds me back.

I'm going through a phase, one that I've felt before, where I feel as though other people are defining who I am, labeling me based on the surface.  And I'll admit it, my surface isn't all that good most of the time.  It's a challenge for me to be there -- complete and my true self in each moment.

And, oddly enough, the surface of this song seems sort of depressing, but I've never felt that way.  It makes me feel hopeful.

There's something cold and blank behind her smile

Day 14: A Song No One Would Expect You to Love

I'm not sure I should assume what people would expect of me ...

But, the most off genre artists that I choose to listen to would have to be Marilyn Manson.  I've always been slightly fascinated by him--but can only listen to his music in small doses.

I think Manson is brilliant in the way Tom DeLonge wants to be brilliant.  He has captured what it is to be an icon, to create a brand, persona or caricature that is instantly recognizable and revokes a reaction.  He's no different from the Lady Gagas, Katy Perrys, etc, etc. in mainstream culture.

I love watching his videos and really appreciate the art he makes with different uses of symbolism, commentary on society and pushing the envelope .... even if it's just to push the envelope. (Oh, and Grey's fans, Lexie is in his Tainted Love video)

Coma White - Mechanical Animals - Marilyn Manson, 1999

Shortly after I first watched this video, there was a special marking the anniversary of JFK's assisnation. It gives me goosebumps just for that.

Day 15: A Song that Describes You

All eyes on me

30 Day Music Challenge -- Slightly prolonged due to life ... but back again!

Day13: The Song that is Your Guilty Pleasure

I generally embrace the music I listen to, and can defend the merits of any choice.  I walk off the beaten path musically, so in most instances people don't share my musical ear anyways.

However, there are two songs in my library that I'm embarrassed for people to see.

My guilty pleasure:

Circus - Circus - Britney Spears, 2008

I get she's a pop princess celebrated by the likes of Glee.  But she represents the mainstream blah that spawned mediocrity for music.  She's a top performer, I'll give her that.  Though in this video you can tell she was coming off babies, rehab, head shaving and god knows what else.  Lots of face shots and far camera position on the dancing.

This song isn't good; necessarily, but for some reason, I like it.

Day 14: A Song No One Would Expect You to Like

It's made me all who I am inside

Day 12: A Song from A Band You Hate

Other than favorite song, this may have been the easiest to choose.

I hate Angels & Airwaves (AvA) because it's the band Tom DeLonge formed after he disbanded from Blink-182 (bitter much? yeah I know). He had a bit of a mental breakdown (my opinion) and thought he was changing the face of music with his miniseries-movies-trilogy-event.

AvA's music was heavily played on my punk Pandora station. And there was plenty to play, they released three albums between 2006-2009.  Most of the songs  borrow the sound, rhythm and riffs of Blink.  They aren't just similar--I swear "Everything's Magic" is the same song slightly reworked as "Anthem Pt. 2" from Blink's Take off your Pants and Jacket.

So Tom, if you're creating this epic new experience than why are you recycling old tunes?

But that's not my favorite AvA song ...

Rite of Spring - I-Empire - Angels & Airwaves, 2007

I like this song even though it's in Tom's monotone, droning voice.  Every time I listen to it I have to grit my teeth at the few friends still last lyrics.

But, it's honest and emotional ... and the story not only of Tom's life, but of growing up and living with how the choices we make shape our world.

Day 13: My Guilty Pleasure 

Swirling Clouds in Violet Haze

30 Day Music Challenge - Day 4: A Song that Makes You Sad

I'm not the type of person to listen to songs that make me sad.  Most songs I enjoy with that undertone usually end in hope.  And I try to listen to more upbeat music when I'm sad ... so I struggled with this day.

I went through my music files and came up with eight songs.  Three songs were from musicals, so context is pretty important to lend the emotion and that's a little bit of an unfair advantage.

But one shone over the others whenI realized that I sometimes skip this song because of how melancholy it makes me.

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) - American Pie - Don McLean, 1971

Vincent is McLean's stirring tribute to the artist Van Gogh.

I've always admired Van Gogh's most well known painting, Starry Night. (I saw it at the MoMA and used it as inspiration when I painted my bedroom.)

But I began to notice often the things I found beauty in were subjects of Van Gogh's art: sunflowers, deep blues and purple, soft greens and finally, my favorite flower Irises.

I'm not sure what exactly the paper was about, but I had to write a persuasion paper for an English class, and I chose to center it around Van Gogh.  At this point, I discovered the song by McLean.  Since, Josh Groban has covered it, also a fantastic version.

It makes me sad because so many are inspired by Vincent's works now.  But he found very little success or praise when he was alive.  Vincent barely made a living and was often tortured by various afflictions of mental illness.  I think everyone can relate to not being appreciated or understood, and McLean captures the anguish we all feel in this song.

Tomorrow: A Song that Reminds Me of Someone ... I had one picked out ... but changed my mind!

Oy Vey - Turn it Off !!

30 Day Music Challenge: Day 2 - Least Favorite Song

This was a hard one. The thing is, I don't listen to music I don't like.  I generally do not listen to the radio because I cannot choose what I want.  I like listening to lots of different kinds, and try to give most a fair shot.  But there are some songs that I know instantly--I'm never going to like it.

So given any number of days, I could probably create a list of at least 100 songs.  Since I only had one day, I decided to choose between the two that jumped out at me as I was looking through some music sites and my own CD's.

The honor goes to ....

 Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche) - 98 Degrees - Revelation, 2000

I really don't recommend that you watch that video.  I muted the computer so I wouldn't hear it when grabbing the link.

I own the first CD from 98 degrees, and liked them generally better than the other boy bands of their era.  This came from a third album (I guess they count the Christmas one as #2?).  Something happened between 1997 (first one) and 2000 (Revelation) that ruined their sound.  Maybe it was the insanity create by 'NSync's pop dominance. (Maybe it was Jessica Simpson.)

Anyway, this song makes my teeth hurt.  I can't tell you exactly what is horrible about it because I haven't listened to it in 10 years and I'd rather not revisit it.  At one point, a cousin locked me in the car when this started playing just to torture me with the horrible, horrible song.

On to better things! 

Day 3:  A Song that Makes You Happy  :-)

Closest to Heaven that I'd Ever Be

Just saw a friend post a video for his Day 1 pick of the 30 Day Song Challenge.  I found the full 30 Day list via search here.

I was just thinking about writing about music and how diverse my tastes have become, so this is perfect.

Looking at the list, it's actually going to take a lot of thinking, and may be a little harder than I first thought.  Regardless, what a fun challenge, and hopefully I get to share some great music that you might check out.

So Day 1: Your Favorite Song.

Now, I don't listen to this song as much as I used to, but whenever it comes on the radio or pandora  I pause, take a breath and smile.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy Up the Girl (written for the City of Angels Soundtrack), 1998

This was a confusing time for me musically.  I had grown up with country and Disney musicals.  But now, I was listening to Top 40 radio on the bus.  I knew the music of my childhood wasn't going to cut it, but the new music wasn't that thrilling either.

But then came Iris, which was so dynamic and different from late 90's pop; I loved it instantly.  Legend has it, Lead singer John Rzeznik was suffering from writers block when he was asked to write a song for City of Angels.  He saw the movie and wrote Iris immediately after.  It was their breakthrough single to mainstream radio, and set records for the time of being number one for 18 weeks.

So I looked into the band and I discovered that a couple of the songs I liked from the radio were from the Goo Goo Dolls.  And, as with all things I love, my interest certainly didn't stop at Iris.

Oddly enough, years after I fell in love with Iris and the Goo Goo Dolls, I saw City of Angels.  I dislike Nicholas Cage and didn't enjoy his performance.  The movie was good but I think I only watched it that one time.

I now own all of their CD's except for the first release, self-titled.  The Goo Goo Dolls are THE band that shaped my teenage years.  Listening to their music is coming home.

Day 2: Your Least Favorite Song ... what will I pick??

Horrible Hobbies

I am horrible at having hobbies.  Picking new things to explore is easy.  Sticking with them enough to accomplish something is where it all goes wrong.

As a child I think I may have taken up nearly every hobby a normal kid tries ... collecting stamps and coins, ice skating, rollar skating, guitar--not piano although I always wanted to try. I've done crafts, had a scrapbook, painted and took up drawing.  I even learned to cross stitch and knit.

In a matter of time I lose interest or reached a plateau of learning where to get better would take an act of god or coupious amounts of practice.  Which, I get it, practice is a good thing and that's how you get better.  But aren't hobbies supposed to be fun?  Not work?  Maybe that's where I go wrong.

The thing is, the only thing I've ever been naturally good at is drawing and writing.  I don't think my drawning skills are above average, though I do love to draw.  It's good, but not great.  Where writing is something I think I can feel proud of.

My idea of hobbies are something to do in your spare time that you love.   Now, there are a lot of things I love, but I don't think they are very good hobbies .... if they are hobbies at all.  Saying I cyber-stalk Dooce might be a hobby, but it's also a little creepy. Watching television, you tube, playing online games and reading might be hobbies, but they're also pretty dull.  

The issue I run against is that I get bored or disinterested pretty easily.   I love to cook, drink wine and try new foodie things -- but if I'm not in the right mood I could care less.  Hard to keep up with anything that way.

Maybe a part of it has some to do with my lack of ambition with goals and dislike of competition.  Even writing horrifies me because I'm afraid this quality of mine will be my ultimate downfall.