I don't know what happened ...

When I was a freshman in college something happened that I never dreamed would occur. I was involved in a bit of drama. Over a boy. Damn.

I didn’t see it coming, but once it hit, I could have walked away. So I suppose I’m to blame for not walking away.

I swore I’d never choose a boy over a friend. I still don’t think I did. I feel she chose him over me.

She is a relative. We called each other our favorite. We played together, exchanged presents at the festive holidays and birthdays. Vacationed together. Our parents stood up in each other’s weddings. She was the first person I felt comfortable with feeling “me.”

Our mantra was always “we should get together and do something.” It never happened.

So zip to my graduation party. (May 19, 2001) It was a friends-family mix. Throughout my senior year my friends and her had interacted, at school competitions, going to sporting events together. She kept disappearing.

I found her on the front step in my garage. “I’m going to break up with him,” she said.

This relationship has been … on and off or never was. I’m not really sure. When he was crushing on her she wasn’t interested and visa versa.

Later (It was the last day of school, so … May 31-ish) I get a phone call or IM (I don’t remember which), with a tearful exclamation of “He broke up with me.” She was so distraught that I completely forgot that she was going to do the very thing herself.

So eventually she stopped being so distraught, but not completely better. “Annoy him,” she said to me. “He never emails anyone. Email him everyday to drive him crazy.” Well, it was the least I could do.

Her mistake or mine?

He emailed back (July 6). Shock from all, and a little disbelief. The emails continued, and they were odd. Funny, silly, bizarre. And they felt like home.

And I realize what that says about me.

During this time I was involved with someone. Seemly boyfriend material. Decent job, some higher education. Paid for everything on dates. Worshiped the ground I walked on, but didn’t appreciate my shoes.

Needless to say, it didn’t last long. And I was not in the frame of mind of looking for a boyfriend …at least not until fall and college started. College. Not a sophomore in high school.

But the emails continued, and then she told him he couldn’t email me anymore (July 17). Maybe we worked out whatever caused it, because the emails still continued.

And at this point I wonder if this is a way for her to stay connected to him. Because I fed her information. She asked, I asked, he answered. He answered my questions.

He and I knew of each other since Elementary school. We met in at a wrestling match. Then at a football scrimmage.

“Come with me, Stacey,” she said. “He’ll be there and I can’t face him alone.”

I was so nervous, and I couldn’t figure out why. We walk down the sidelines, and there he was with that goofy smile. And we bonded over Family Guy.

And of course she was mad. Over the next few weeks she took it out on him, causing trouble for him in school. Yelling at him. Telling him we couldn’t be friends. Complaining I liked him more than her.

I didn’t. I told her I don’t rate friends. I wouldn’t trade one Lindsey for a Kerry. He was just different, and fun to talk to. It was my freshman year of college, everyone was moving away, and in this time, friends, no matter who they were, were very important. Including her.

Emails led to IMs. I went to a few of his football games. She told him he couldn’t like me or date me. He said he had no interest in me. I never considered him anymore than her ex-boyfriend.

I was still trying to help her move on. I don’t know what to say at this point. She really wasn’t into him, but the thought of him. Or what they once had or what she felt when she had a crush on him or the attention he paid her when he had a crush on her.

I remember going to a volleyball game with her and on the way home I told her that it was over. He wasn’t interested, and she needed to move on so they could still be friends. One day she’s scoping out all the cute guys, the next day she wanted him.

Then he asked me to a movie. I was feeling lonely because all my friends were away. It wasn’t about her. It wasn’t even about us. Then we realized it was the first thing he and I did without her.

Oh shit.

So this is probably where I become a bitch. I went over to her house. And told her. Before I went he and I discussed who should tell her and how we should deal with it. I don’t remember the conversation, I remember “Even Stevens” was on television and her blank stare. And I think I told her that we had fun and enjoyed being friends …but it wasn’t romantic, because had a crush on my chemistry partner.

He cared about her as a friend and truly wanted things to be “right” and everyone to be happy. He continually asked me how to make it better. And I advised to by best ability, which really didn’t help.

Several different times both of us had said “I won’t talk to you anymore if this is too much trouble.” Each time we said it was worth it. It still is.

We went to the homecoming dance together and she ignored me.

Even though all of this was my fault … I felt betrayed by her. Her friend liked him and would talk bad about me. And she never defended me. Some say, she talked bad as well.

Christmas she and I exchanged gifts … but I think that’s the last time we talked. Four years. She was my best friend, and she hasn’t spoken to me in four years.

I never wanted the drama. It’s too bad I met him like that. Sometimes I’m ashamed of the way we met.

But if I had to do it again … I’d still get involved.