I have this perpetual state of guilt for not being productive ... and yet as I look at my room and other things ... I see that I'm generally not a productive person.
It's a wonder how I accomplished as much as I did in school. In fact, I wonder how I did it.
Some times I feel like I have split personalities ... *hums ode to Kerry, does it sound like the baby goat song? perhaps, but maybe more slow and mellow to fit the sunday morning mantra*
I had to be a somewhat overachieving person to get a gpa that earned me summa cum laude, be involved in the random clubs and activities, jobs and internships.
And yet ... I feel like the laziest person ever. Every weekend my desk is stacked with clothes that need to be put away, the damn drinking glasses stack up everywhere. I'm even too lazy to read now. It feels like all I do is watch tv and be on the computer. And yet ... since it's my fourth? month as an Accordian Thief, I reflect that my computer time is down. DUe to slow internet? possibly.
Why are these my activities? Because they let me unwind. Because I concentrate so much at work. Because I'm just so tired when I come home that I don't feel like doing anything else.
I feel split also from the intervert/extrovert tendencies. I feel like a totally different person when I'm sitting with family or my parent's friends. I suppose I appear antisocial to them. And that does truly makes me feel bad. I suppose I just don't know how to relate to them. And yet, yesterday I was in a parade, handing out stickers. While we were waiting we were all just hanging out, laughing, talking ... fun times.
As we were in the parade (and now that I think about it ... I think this was the first time I've walked in a parade .... was this the first time I've been in a parade???) Jeanne, a coworker, was in the crowd. "STACEY, STACEY!" I hear. I turn and there's Jeanne ... she comes to me and we exchange quick words, "We just started, I don't see the van, love the shirt, have a great time ..." a hug and yelling at her to take a sticker and I'm off again.
Of course there are all the public speaking encounters over the past three years .... Registrations, Transfer, Campus Preview Panels and now presentations and trainings. I've probably spoke to more than 500 people ... as a low estimate.
Would my family recognize me at these?
During an interpersonal communication class (freshman year?) this arogant kid all about drinking and the like turns around to me one day and asks, "Do you ever talk?" I think I smiled and said yes, all in good time. (Thinking, not to you. I have nothing to say.)
Later, I told Jeff this and he laughed. Who's that Stacey? he asks. Whenever I remind him that I'm and intervert he rolls his eyes at me. "Yeah, right."
When I was in high school they made me feel like being the intervert was bad. That you should try to be an extrovert ... they were better, they would get further in life. The extroverts were the jocks/cheerleaders or the choir people or the play people. You want to be like them. So I tried to be like them ... and I felt so fake. It didn't last for long.
In college, especially with Phil, they told us that every type is needed. We all make the world go round and we each have our balanced faults and talents because of it. Now, some probably call this fluffy hippy crap.
Maybe I'm a fluffy hippy.
But I don't try to be who I'm not anymore. I don't mind listening to conversation when I have nothing to add. I don't mind completely leading the conversation and taking control when I need to. I get a little nervous beofre speaking, but I'm getting better of talking off the top of my head.
I don't like drinking to get drunk. I don't like going to smoky bars to spend way too much money on a couple of drinks. But I'm not against making margaritas, uncorking a bottle of wine and then entertaining friends with mispelled words late into the night.
I crave the sophication, technology and high class lifestyle city life can bring. But I hate the concrete, the crowds and driving through traffic.
I love nature and enjoying our garden ... hate that there's no where to go or the long way to travel.
I love dispearing in the crowd and doing whatever the heck we want b/c no one knows us and will probably never see us again.
I like being the one everyone knows and when they have something to say to me.
So basically, I don't know what to do with myself.
I have potential job opportunities in North Carolina and Atlanta. And both sides of me have differnt opinions of them....like always i guess.
I was happy in sixth grade.
I hated 7th.
I felt comfortable in 8th.
I did my best to feel my way around 9th and 10th.
Junior and Senior year we had blast.
In high school I was excited to graduate and go to college to get rid of the dumb people, the people who didn't care ... find more people like me.
In college I realized the dumb people never leave.
In college I was looking forward to the "real world work force" for the resposible dedicated people.
Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school.
The grass truly is greener on the other side. And sometimes I feel bad for the people who think leaving will make things better. Because I don't want to be the one who comes back b/c they couldn't make it.
Thought of the Moment: "I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I am my own entourage." ~ Eddie from "America's Sweethearts"
~ Footnote: Long live Blurring the Edges!~
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