The Adventurer who Saved Crimbo

Oh no--Uncle Crimbo is missing and adventurers around the Kingdom have received their advent calendar. But wait! There's a lonely Crimbo Elf in the Mountains where Crimbo Town had been.


A quest unfolds ... huzzah! Come with me as I chronicle it for you (and partake in it myself--this has to be some world exclusive exciting thing (if you ignore wiki))

As you're walking around the Big Mountains, looking for Crimbo Town, you notice a sad, sniffling little Crimbo Elf. He spots you, and says, "Man, this is ridiculous. I never dreamed something like this could happen? It's almost Crimbo time, and where's Uncle Crimbo? He's been bewitched, I tell you, bewitched by that evil Scream Queen. It's like a bad dream, man."

"I thought she banished him to a dreamy desert island," you say.

"Oh yeah, banished, sure. Nah, she scrambled his brain with some weird spell! He's on a dream vacation. He doesn't even remember that he's Uncle Crimbo. He's going to luaus and wearing brightly-colored shorts, living the dream, and meanwhile the Scream Queen's taking over Crimbo. You've got to find the three magical things that will remind him who he is."

"You mean, like, candy canes and gingerbread?"

The elf laughs. "You don't know him very well, do you?"

"Where should I start?" you ask.

"I wouldn't dream of telling you that," the elf replies.


I return to my campsite and punch my Advent Calendar: Spooky Eggnog (the secret ingredient is Spooky Nutmeg) and a lump of chocolate. After using my chocolate, I learn that it was really a lump of chocolate covered potato--yummy.

Back at my campsite I rest on the ground (regretfully, as I am only Level 5 and working my way towards more adventures).

Nightmare 1

You wake up in the middle of the night and see a bright light outside of your bed curtains. Since you don't have any curtains (and may or may not have a bed), you're pretty sure you're dreaming. You hope it's not curtains for you, though.

You push back the curtains and the bright light solidifies into a ghost! He has the requisite long, white robe, but some decidedly non-requisite dreadlocks hanging down past his shoulders. He gazes piercingly at you and speaks.

"Hey, mon," he says. "I be Marley's Ghost. I come to tell ya that tonight ye will be visited by tree spirits."

"Tree spirits?" you ask. "You mean those fruity little things in Canadia?"

"Nah, mon," he says. "One, two, tree -- tree spirits."

"Is this about me realizing I'm a horrible person and resolving to change, and ending up all giddy as a schoolboy?" you ask. "Because, if so, I'd rather just stay horrible. It doesn't bother me, except when people move my chair."

"Nah, mon." The ghost answers. "Uncle Crimbo's gone missing, and these tree spirits are going to help yah rescue him. The first is de ghost of Crimbo Way, Way Past. The second is the ghost of Crimbo Right-about-now. You'll like him, he's a funk soul brother. The third is the Ghost of Crimbo In The Not-Too-Distant Future. You'll see the first one the next time you fall asleep."
"Seriously," you say, "I don't really want to bother with any ghosts, man. I mean, I don't even have my proton pack."

"Expect the first one the next time you fall asleep," the ghost repeats, and starts to fade away, singing some song about martial bison.

Nightmare 2

You wake up to the sound of someone banging a bone against a rock. Well, you don't know that's what the sound is until you get up and look, but that's what it is.

You see a shimmery, transparent caveman (who may or may not have just saved a lot of money on his car insurance), dressed in furs and squatting on your floor, pounding said rock with said leg-bone.

"Me Ugh. Gwee tonga nala tonga macha pooka." he says, gesturing and grunting at you.

"You're Ugh, the ghost of Crimbo Way, Way Past, and you want me to go to the Big Mountains, where Crimbotown was last year, and I'll be magically transported to CrimboRock, which is Crimbotown thousands of years ago?"

"Ugh. Gwee zug fech haraka ool."

"And you say that once I'm there, I can fight monsters, make toys, and find part of the magic spell for rescuing Uncle Crimbo?"

"Ugh," the caveman says, nodding his assent.

Wow, I wish I could speak Caveman.

Now I trek back to the Mountains to behold Crimbo Town of yore, as I get closer I realize that it looks like a Christmas Tree, hmmm, fancy that.

I make quick visits to the Toy-Making Cave and the Eating Cave and spend about 5 adventures in the Simple Tool-Making Cave.

Even though Uncle Crimbo is lost, I must still remember the other inhabitants of Loathing, there are rats over running the Typical Tavern (and delaying my bartender in a box), the Boss Bat is making a rukus in the Bat Hole, the Goblin King is terrorizing Cob Knob and there's an unspeakable foe in the Dark & Dank Sinister Cave.

So for now I'm going to eat and drink my fill and return tomorrow on a muscle day to help Uncle Crimbo and save Crimboween.