As we go along ...

Beyond being a wonderful event six years in the making, Kerry's wedding was a nice high school reunion--the high school reunion we'll never have.

And it's not because Estan is our president, but because we were able to share the evening as the SkillsUSA-VICA group once again, the factions from Colby and West De Pere reunited, save for a couple of friends. Friends we missed ... or at least, I missed.

Someone must have been smiling down on us that day at UW-Stout when these two groups intertwined. And, sure, it hasn't been happily ever after for everyone. But it says something that some of us are still internet buddies.

Because the truth of the situation is that I talk to these people more than most of the people I went to high school with.

When I was in middle school ... it was one great big game of trying to fit in. Sarah was hanging with the band buddies--I wasn't in band. Claudia was with the people who didn't care about school orcollege--and I cared. Lindsey Thell was with the theatre people, and, well, I'm an introvert. They were still all my friends. But no matter who I was with, I always felt uncomfortable. Faking a smile, waiting to be alone, so I could feel like myself.

Then I met Kerry, Jenny, Charity and Josie. (I already knew Heather, Lynn and Kriston--Kriston btw threw me under the bus by setting me up to piss off Heidi who then threatened to beat me up...thanks again for that Kriston.)

The eight of us formed a group without really trying to. Of course, we each were friends to varying degrees and some of us were part of other high school factions as well.

I finally belonged. And it was great! I didn't have to try to smile or even fake it. We had so much fun, and didn't care what others thought of us. And I really feel West De Pere is an extension of that group.

I'm not the same person I was in 2001, not by a long shot. And a couple more people who have been cut from the same cloth have made their way into my life.

But all of these people in the same room again was just great for me. I felt at home. Like myself. I wasn't transported back in the essence that I felt like that person from 2001--but I remember someone sulking in the window sill, the horrible "wrestling" in the hotel room and the origami frogs and footballs.

Pre-2001--Goo Goo Dolls, Travis Jervey ... somethings never die
2001--Licking discovered: thanks to Sarah Brehm & Kerry's Mom
2001--Llamas ... I don't know, I don't even care anymore, but they're amusing n0netheless
2005--San Francisco, Ghrirdelli Chocolate & wine ... new fascinations to add to the list!
2006--Together again

Things have come an gone, I've lost interest in some things, hobbies here there and everywhere, but for the above and some obessessions that never die --- as Laura said, Well, at least I'm consistant. :-)

The 2nd of July

Being able to sit in your living room and watch fireworks outside is spectacular.

Quest for the Cup

There is nothing more exciting in the Quest for Lord Stanley's Cup than an overtime ... well maybe a triple overtime that extends into the next day ...

But the ulimate ending of the quest is a Game 7. No holds barred. Smashmouth. Here's your dream so reach out there and take it -- fight for your life, pride and the Cup type of game.

I've witnessed three (that's counting this year's) Game 7's. And usually I would rather have the team I'm rooting against win the Game 7 then to see the Cup being unveiled and marched down it's red carpet during a Game 6.

Now, I am not in any way shape or form a diehard hockey fan. Classify me as casual at best. I watch hockey one time a year: The Stanley Cup Finals. I tried watching during the regular season, but I got bored.

Maybe it's because I don't have anything personally invested in any of the teams? Or it could be because it takes so long to get to what matters--the playoffs, or fight for the playoffs (like baseball or basketball). What's at stake when you're playing an endless number of series? Three or four or six losses here and there aren't so bad .. while in football ... your season is all but over. Those stakes are high--the team battles every week and as a fan you don't dare miss a game.

I gear up each year for these games. I know summer has started when i commit my nights to the ice. I don't follow the game enough to have "my team." I do have Cup favorites ... and unlike football, I can root against a team one year to cheer them on in the next. Buffalo Sabres vs. Dallas Stars -- I hated the Stars ... now they are probably closest to what could be my favorite team. Stars vs. New Jersey Devils (hated them). Devils are on my good list now.

My June was a little empty last year without the Finals.

But this year they completly screwed me up by putting Games 1 & 2 on cable. I couldn't get into Game 3, I wasn't able to watch Game 4. I saw most of Game 5.

They broke my system!

Game 6 I was back into swing. Thank god for Game 7, without it the whole series would have been ruined for me.

In order for me to get into this at all, I need a solid start, the history, the packages expounding on the random stories. How else will I know who I should be cheering for?

So hurrah for Game 7. And though I am merely a casual observer, I'm glad the Quest for Lord Stanley's Cup is back.

For God Sakes Big Ben, wear sunscreen!

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, was struck by a car while riding his motorcycle Monday morning. Roethlisberger, the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl at age 23, fractured his upper and lower jaw bones and broke his nose. He also sustained head lacerations in addition to losing two teeth and chipping several others. He underwent seven hours of surgery.

I have no problem with the fact that he was on a motorcycle or if he didn't a liscense. But Ben wasn't wearing a helmet. And I can't believe he could be so stupid.

Whatever happened to an ounce of prevention goes a long way? But of course there still aren't people wearing saftey belts, sunscreen, condoms and the like.

Pennsylvania law doesn't require people to wear helmets, so against the advice of his coach and others, Big Ben decided he'd go without. And he could have lost his career and his life instead of a couple of teeth.

I wish Big Ben a speedy recovery ... but next time Ben, put on a helmet ... and wear some sunscreen!

I don't know what happened ...

When I was a freshman in college something happened that I never dreamed would occur. I was involved in a bit of drama. Over a boy. Damn.

I didn’t see it coming, but once it hit, I could have walked away. So I suppose I’m to blame for not walking away.

I swore I’d never choose a boy over a friend. I still don’t think I did. I feel she chose him over me.

She is a relative. We called each other our favorite. We played together, exchanged presents at the festive holidays and birthdays. Vacationed together. Our parents stood up in each other’s weddings. She was the first person I felt comfortable with feeling “me.”

Our mantra was always “we should get together and do something.” It never happened.

So zip to my graduation party. (May 19, 2001) It was a friends-family mix. Throughout my senior year my friends and her had interacted, at school competitions, going to sporting events together. She kept disappearing.

I found her on the front step in my garage. “I’m going to break up with him,” she said.

This relationship has been … on and off or never was. I’m not really sure. When he was crushing on her she wasn’t interested and visa versa.

Later (It was the last day of school, so … May 31-ish) I get a phone call or IM (I don’t remember which), with a tearful exclamation of “He broke up with me.” She was so distraught that I completely forgot that she was going to do the very thing herself.

So eventually she stopped being so distraught, but not completely better. “Annoy him,” she said to me. “He never emails anyone. Email him everyday to drive him crazy.” Well, it was the least I could do.

Her mistake or mine?

He emailed back (July 6). Shock from all, and a little disbelief. The emails continued, and they were odd. Funny, silly, bizarre. And they felt like home.

And I realize what that says about me.

During this time I was involved with someone. Seemly boyfriend material. Decent job, some higher education. Paid for everything on dates. Worshiped the ground I walked on, but didn’t appreciate my shoes.

Needless to say, it didn’t last long. And I was not in the frame of mind of looking for a boyfriend …at least not until fall and college started. College. Not a sophomore in high school.

But the emails continued, and then she told him he couldn’t email me anymore (July 17). Maybe we worked out whatever caused it, because the emails still continued.

And at this point I wonder if this is a way for her to stay connected to him. Because I fed her information. She asked, I asked, he answered. He answered my questions.

He and I knew of each other since Elementary school. We met in at a wrestling match. Then at a football scrimmage.

“Come with me, Stacey,” she said. “He’ll be there and I can’t face him alone.”

I was so nervous, and I couldn’t figure out why. We walk down the sidelines, and there he was with that goofy smile. And we bonded over Family Guy.

And of course she was mad. Over the next few weeks she took it out on him, causing trouble for him in school. Yelling at him. Telling him we couldn’t be friends. Complaining I liked him more than her.

I didn’t. I told her I don’t rate friends. I wouldn’t trade one Lindsey for a Kerry. He was just different, and fun to talk to. It was my freshman year of college, everyone was moving away, and in this time, friends, no matter who they were, were very important. Including her.

Emails led to IMs. I went to a few of his football games. She told him he couldn’t like me or date me. He said he had no interest in me. I never considered him anymore than her ex-boyfriend.

I was still trying to help her move on. I don’t know what to say at this point. She really wasn’t into him, but the thought of him. Or what they once had or what she felt when she had a crush on him or the attention he paid her when he had a crush on her.

I remember going to a volleyball game with her and on the way home I told her that it was over. He wasn’t interested, and she needed to move on so they could still be friends. One day she’s scoping out all the cute guys, the next day she wanted him.

Then he asked me to a movie. I was feeling lonely because all my friends were away. It wasn’t about her. It wasn’t even about us. Then we realized it was the first thing he and I did without her.

Oh shit.

So this is probably where I become a bitch. I went over to her house. And told her. Before I went he and I discussed who should tell her and how we should deal with it. I don’t remember the conversation, I remember “Even Stevens” was on television and her blank stare. And I think I told her that we had fun and enjoyed being friends …but it wasn’t romantic, because had a crush on my chemistry partner.

He cared about her as a friend and truly wanted things to be “right” and everyone to be happy. He continually asked me how to make it better. And I advised to by best ability, which really didn’t help.

Several different times both of us had said “I won’t talk to you anymore if this is too much trouble.” Each time we said it was worth it. It still is.

We went to the homecoming dance together and she ignored me.

Even though all of this was my fault … I felt betrayed by her. Her friend liked him and would talk bad about me. And she never defended me. Some say, she talked bad as well.

Christmas she and I exchanged gifts … but I think that’s the last time we talked. Four years. She was my best friend, and she hasn’t spoken to me in four years.

I never wanted the drama. It’s too bad I met him like that. Sometimes I’m ashamed of the way we met.

But if I had to do it again … I’d still get involved.

Sdo ... and ... the other one who doesn't talk.

So what can I tell you this morning? Have you ever noticed my blogs are from Sundays? I guess Sunday mornings are when I can take things slow, do what I want, not be distracted or feel bad because I'm not being productive.

I have this perpetual state of guilt for not being productive ... and yet as I look at my room and other things ... I see that I'm generally not a productive person.

It's a wonder how I accomplished as much as I did in school. In fact, I wonder how I did it.

Some times I feel like I have split personalities ... *hums ode to Kerry, does it sound like the baby goat song? perhaps, but maybe more slow and mellow to fit the sunday morning mantra*

I had to be a somewhat overachieving person to get a gpa that earned me summa cum laude, be involved in the random clubs and activities, jobs and internships.

And yet ... I feel like the laziest person ever. Every weekend my desk is stacked with clothes that need to be put away, the damn drinking glasses stack up everywhere. I'm even too lazy to read now. It feels like all I do is watch tv and be on the computer. And yet ... since it's my fourth? month as an Accordian Thief, I reflect that my computer time is down. DUe to slow internet? possibly.

Why are these my activities? Because they let me unwind. Because I concentrate so much at work. Because I'm just so tired when I come home that I don't feel like doing anything else.

I feel split also from the intervert/extrovert tendencies. I feel like a totally different person when I'm sitting with family or my parent's friends. I suppose I appear antisocial to them. And that does truly makes me feel bad. I suppose I just don't know how to relate to them. And yet, yesterday I was in a parade, handing out stickers. While we were waiting we were all just hanging out, laughing, talking ... fun times.

As we were in the parade (and now that I think about it ... I think this was the first time I've walked in a parade .... was this the first time I've been in a parade???) Jeanne, a coworker, was in the crowd. "STACEY, STACEY!" I hear. I turn and there's Jeanne ... she comes to me and we exchange quick words, "We just started, I don't see the van, love the shirt, have a great time ..." a hug and yelling at her to take a sticker and I'm off again.

Of course there are all the public speaking encounters over the past three years .... Registrations, Transfer, Campus Preview Panels and now presentations and trainings. I've probably spoke to more than 500 people ... as a low estimate.

Would my family recognize me at these?

During an interpersonal communication class (freshman year?) this arogant kid all about drinking and the like turns around to me one day and asks, "Do you ever talk?" I think I smiled and said yes, all in good time. (Thinking, not to you. I have nothing to say.)

Later, I told Jeff this and he laughed. Who's that Stacey? he asks. Whenever I remind him that I'm and intervert he rolls his eyes at me. "Yeah, right."

When I was in high school they made me feel like being the intervert was bad. That you should try to be an extrovert ... they were better, they would get further in life. The extroverts were the jocks/cheerleaders or the choir people or the play people. You want to be like them. So I tried to be like them ... and I felt so fake. It didn't last for long.

In college, especially with Phil, they told us that every type is needed. We all make the world go round and we each have our balanced faults and talents because of it. Now, some probably call this fluffy hippy crap.

Maybe I'm a fluffy hippy.

But I don't try to be who I'm not anymore. I don't mind listening to conversation when I have nothing to add. I don't mind completely leading the conversation and taking control when I need to. I get a little nervous beofre speaking, but I'm getting better of talking off the top of my head.

I don't like drinking to get drunk. I don't like going to smoky bars to spend way too much money on a couple of drinks. But I'm not against making margaritas, uncorking a bottle of wine and then entertaining friends with mispelled words late into the night.

I crave the sophication, technology and high class lifestyle city life can bring. But I hate the concrete, the crowds and driving through traffic.

I love nature and enjoying our garden ... hate that there's no where to go or the long way to travel.

I love dispearing in the crowd and doing whatever the heck we want b/c no one knows us and will probably never see us again.

I like being the one everyone knows and when they have something to say to me.

So basically, I don't know what to do with myself.

I have potential job opportunities in North Carolina and Atlanta. And both sides of me have differnt opinions of them....like always i guess.

I was happy in sixth grade.
I hated 7th.
I felt comfortable in 8th.
I did my best to feel my way around 9th and 10th.
Junior and Senior year we had blast.
In high school I was excited to graduate and go to college to get rid of the dumb people, the people who didn't care ... find more people like me.
In college I realized the dumb people never leave.
In college I was looking forward to the "real world work force" for the resposible dedicated people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school.

The grass truly is greener on the other side. And sometimes I feel bad for the people who think leaving will make things better. Because I don't want to be the one who comes back b/c they couldn't make it.

Thought of the Moment: "I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I am my own entourage." ~ Eddie from "America's Sweethearts"

~ Footnote: Long live Blurring the Edges!~

Kiss of Death

I was mixing chocolate pudding my with my grape nuts for breakfast. "What are you doing?" I was asked.

My response: the milk is going bad, I'm not eating it on cereal. Pudding has some semblance of calcium ... it'll do the trick.

"Speaking of milk," my mom said, "I went in the barn the other day and the little kitty ... "

"What?! Was she down? Was she missing?" * Silence * Good lord let her be missing. "Is she dead?"

Mom nods her head. "She wasn't moving much and was kind of cool to the touch."

I tore back to my room, throwing on clothes. Putting on shoes I run out to the shed.

The ladder is put away. My heart sinks.

I climb the saw horses. Mom comes in. "She's not up there anymore."

I jump down. The baby is laying in a pail on a bed of sawdust. I look down on her.

"She's not breathing," Mom says.

I gently shake the pail. No movement. I touch her with the back of my fingers. Her eyes are somewhat open. I shake the pail again.

Nothing.

I was just out here two days ago. She was moving around, starting to play. I was going to bring out toys so I could amuse her more.

If only I had come out here yesterday .... how could she have turned so fast?

My head immediately goes through all the cats that have died over the years.

The tiny one who was born in November--he was tan and striped. None of the other cats would go by him. I got busy and didn't come by him for a week. It got too cold.

The four babies who were abandoned by their momma. They were the hardest. We brought them inside to feed and try to keep warm. Watching them decline from balls of fur, skinnier, weak, to picking up limp bodies trying to get food in the mouth. I cried so much. I've never been so close to death that i could feel life slipping away.

My beautiful, talented Mr. Ripley ... the cat who could fetch tennis balls. I'm not sure anymore what happened to him.

Besides me. The kiss of death. The cats I liked would die, leaving the mean ones. Every time. Thoughts of what could I have done differently to save them ... or her? DId Fergie stop feeding her because I would pet her? No ... it wouldn't have taken that fast. Did I get her sick by bringing her in the house last week? Did she fall over the edge and hit her head or break her neck? I should have put her on the bottom level when I saw her playing at the edge ... :-(

It was hard for me to lose these cats over the years. As I got older I was able to handle it better, not be as attached.

I didn't even name this little one. I knew she would either start hating me or die. But I still thought she might be different. I thought maybe I would have a friend for the summer. And then maybe I could move out and have her inside. She was so fluffy and furry and calm, with a white tipped tail.

I saw on the news the other day that inside cats have double the lifespan than their outside counterparts. Damn the inevitiable heartbreak.

100 Hundred Facts about me

1. Eating raw onions gives me a headache.
2. I like my job.
3. I didn’t like my birthstone (emerald) until I watched Wizard of Oz.
4. I used to run from the kitchen to my room because I thought evil things lurking in the dark places would get me.
5. Cutting 12 inches of hair crossed off my life goal of getting my hair cut like John Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.
6. I have my ears pierced the same way Rzeznik does (or did in 2001).
7. My staple piece of jewelry is his trademark silver ball-bearing necklace.
8. I’ll trust you until you give me a reason not to, but once you do, stay away from me.
9. I am extremely loyal in everything I do, and I expect my counterparts to be as well.
10. I cried when I found out I needed glasses.
11. Now I wear my glasses more than my contacts.
12. I think I look cute in my glasses.
13. I used to read several books a week.
14. Since graduating from college, I have read two books cover to cover.
15. I don’t believe “The DaVinci Code” is completely fictional.
16. I don’t respect Eric Clapton because I feel he used his son’s death to sustain his celebrity.
17. I don’t like John Travolta. I don’t quite know why.
18. My nails aren’t very strong and break easily.
19. I love flowers, but think wedding roses are cliché.
20. My favorite flowers are irises and calla lilies.
21. My main character Family Guy hierarchy is: Brian, Stewie, Chris, Lois, Peter, Meg.
22. Van Gogh is my favorite artist.
23. My two best Goodwill finds are my Italian Espresso maker and Van Gogh orange vodka bottle.
24. I believe God comes to you in the way you can most easily comprehend.
25. My favorite animals are cats, ducks and llamas.
26. Don’t ask me what the deal with the llamas is. I don’t know.
27. My guilty viewing pleasure is the WWE.
28. I own two Green Bay Packer jerseys: Brett Favre and Travis Jervey.
29. I don’t remember the Thundercats, but my family tells me it was my favorite cartoon.
30. I’ve broken my left ankle, left clavicle and a couple of toes.
31. I have Lymes Disease. Before I was diagnosed I had a 104 fever. Three days of not sleeping. Four antibiotics. I wanted to die.
32. <-- My favorite number.
33. I’m a liberal democrat.
34. I don’t support the death penalty.
35. I love PBS.
36. Despite her attempts at world domination, I still like Martha Stewart.
37. When I was a kid, Tom Cruise was my favorite actor. Today it’s Matt Damon.
38. I used to think South Park with ignorant and immature. Now I’m hooked.
39. I have six piercings. I would like to get more.
40. Marilyn Manson completely fascinates me.
41. Ghost Whisper and Extreme Home Makeover make me cry every time.
42. I’ve never had braces, but my teeth are perfectly straight.
43. I don’t like milk chocolate.
44. My favorite cookies are Lemon Oat Laces.
45. I’m afraid of spiders and snakes.
46. I love the television series M*A*S*H*
47. I have a Quote Notebook where I collect fun and inspirational quotes.
48. I am Pro-Choice, though I don’t know if I would be strong enough to have an abortion.
49. In middle school I worried so much about everything I made myself sick.
50. I love watching cooking shows and trying out new techniques.
51. I don’t feel comfortable in my extended families anymore.
52. I believe in multiple soul mates rather than one romantic match.
53. I have only met one Viking fan I completely enjoy and respect.
54. A messy room makes me claustrophobic.
55. When I take trips, my new souvenir is to steal spoons. Just regular eating spoons.
56. I prefer white wine to red.
57. My eating weakness is at night.
58. I drink coffee for the taste of it, not the caffeine.
59. If I need to stay awake at night, coffee does help, but I’m not sure if it has the same effect in the morning.
60. I feel even though I graduated college with highest honors, have a full-time job in my degree and have a good start, my family judges me on my lack of mate rather than these accomplishments.
61. I don’t eat things I don’t like – it’s a wasteful use of calories.
62. I would love to have a cat in the house.
63. I love polishing silver; removing stains from clothes frustrates me.
64. I used to think Freddy Krueger would come out of the shower drain.
65. It wasn’t until high school that I first watched “IT” all the way through and realized the shower drain fear came from that movie.
66. I physically jumped back when it was revealed that IT was really a spider.
67. I have no time for people who put others down.
68. I’ve had a crush on a professor.
69. I didn’t like football until seventh grade.
70. I’m not naturally physically gifted or good at sports. But if I practice I’m pretty good.
71. I never get a chance to practice.
72. Math was my most difficult subject.
73. I was good at math when concepts were applied in physics and chemistry.
74. I’m worried about the future, but not sure how to plan for it.
75. I got a Rubik’s cube for my 19th birthday, but I haven’t solved it yet.
76. I don’t like beer, but I love Guinness.
77. I refuse to pledge my allegiance. Especially to a flag.
78. I’m terrified of becoming that crazy cat lady.
79. As a child, I hid in many places, crying because of the yelling in my house.
80. I’m not over the hurt of losing who I thought was a good friend.
81. Though it wasn’t an ideal situation, I wasn’t wrong. I accept the consequences.
82. I hate wearing socks. I hate soggy socks even more.
83. I think uniforms are sexy … and against my better judgment, that includes baseball.
84. If I have a son, I want to name him Derian Christopher.
85. I just recently realized that I do want to have children someday.
86. I hate going to the bank.
87. I love horror movies and am always looking for a movie to scare me.
88. I can fit my fist in my mouth.
89. I would like to be a published writer.
90. My eyes are always dilated.
91. I hate when women say (or act like) that they aren’t complete without a man.
92. With that said, what does an independent, strong woman who likes sports have to do to get a boyfriend?
93. I can use a computer mouse with either hand.
94. Accents are completely sexy, even the New York and Boston ones.
95. I want to improve my posture, but it feels like a losing battle.
96. I am completely, 100 percent against tanning whether it is in a bed or outside. I never go out in the summer sun without sun block.
97. September 11, 2001 deterred me from becoming a journalist.
98. I still love “The Monster at the End of this Book.”
99. I want to receive a master’s degree … I’m just not sure what it will be in.
100. I love Old Dutch’s Dill Pickle chips!

Brett Favre's Farewell Tour

When Brett Favre finally made his decision I was relieved. Not because he would come back and play for the Packers, I was preparing myself for his departure. I was just glad to have the speculation and bad-mouthing of Brett Favre over. I completely agree he needed to make a decision. The comment he made “there’s still about 120 days left until the season opener” made me cringe. Colin Cowherd from ESPN Radio said Brett was like a woman. “Does this dress make my butt look big? Do I look fat in this? This color or stripes?” – Just pick a damn dress already!

In general everyone took it too far. Brett Favre holding the team hostage? Whatever. I think Ted Thompson has the stones to do everything in his power to make Favre want to leave without telling him to. And in the beginning we thought that’s what he was doing letting Ryan Longwell, Mike Flanagan and crew go.

No they wouldn’t have cut Favre or trade him. It needed to be Favre's decision to avoid riots.

Comparing Favre to Walker. That argument had no credibility. Walker threatened holdout. Walker wouldn’t play because he felt that after one successful year he was worth more money. Walker aired his internal grievances with the media.

Favre was pondering a decision. He wanted to make the best decision for his family, for mind and body and finally, yes … even for the Packers. At this point in his career … does the money make a difference? Not really. He can earn whatever he’s due through the contract through endorsements, book deals, or getting in the business (sports caster, anchor, coach, etc.). He never once made a negative comment against the organization.

So why did they use their first round pick on QB-Aaron Rodgers last year if Favre’s coming back? Just what everyone has been saying it was used for: to draft a future quarterback. No one thought Matt Hasselbeck was anything special. Aaron Brooks, Mark Brunell or any number of the other quarterbacks the Packers have drafted in Favre’s tenure as gunslinger.

I think it’s great that Rodgers is getting another year to sit and learn. As Eli has found out …not all first-round QB’s can win like Payton Manning. An article said Rodgers is losing millions by sitting again this year. Maybe. But what if he takes the experience and knowledge he picks up from two years of Brett Favre to go on and have a successful 15-year career? Will he then look back and regret these two years?

I was pretty nonchalant with the announcement. I opened the last bottle of Californian wine to celebrate, but really I wasn’t as excited as I thought I was going to be.

Until I saw footage from the first minicamp. It brought back that old fire in me to see Favre throwing bullets to the rookies and old favorites. I couldn’t wait for kick off (even without Ryan) when I saw the interaction between Rodgers and Favre. Rodgers grabbed Favre’s helmet and pulled it off by the facemask. Then Favre rolled up his sleeves and showed anyone who was interested his guns. The playful banter between the two reminded me of the three amigos … when we all were carefree and not tainted by the greed and stupidity that comes with success.

Everyone debates what’s the best way for any player to exit: on top, one last stab at glory or injury. I don’t have an answer for that. When I think Steve Young I think of the success, but also the career ending hit that left him motionless on the field for four minutes. When I think of Dan Marino I think of all those average years of the Dolphins, but also the exceptional QB. I don’t remember the score of the last game he played in or their record.

My nugget of advice to the three-time MVP: Make your decision now. Is this your last year? Want to go for another? Tell us. Get the monkey off your back before it starts throwing banana peels. The team, fans, country … and maybe even you … need a year to say goodbye.

This morning, I cut apart a slinky. it was my neon rainbow slinky. I don't remember where or when I got. And true, it wasn't a prized posession. But it was a pretty cool toy. Not everyone had a rainbow slinky.

I was (and would still like to be) a selective toy-sharer. I never had problems when my friends came over. My toys were their toys when we frolicked together in the land of make-believe. I'm sure I had my favorite doll or whatever, but it was usually no-holds-barred playing.

Sharing with my family, on the other hand, is a whole different toy-sharing issue. I always hated our family hosting Thanksgiving ... because people would get into my stuff. And read: when I say "get into" that would always lead to BREAK or LOSE. Note that it wasn't a vendetta against me ... they were like that with everyone's toys. Was I? I duuno. And if I was, cousins, I apologize.

My family, when playing with other people's stuff, is careless, thoughtless, crude and just plain reckless. With this approach, breakage is inevitable. Then they leave the scene of the crime and hope no one notices until everyone is gone.

Games are missing pieces, my Clue game was destroyed (still mad at this), red clay was ground into the *NEW* carpet in the hallway and Barbie doll room, along with many spilled pops and left to their own devices ... Jason and Michael made the wall full of hundreds of tiny holes b/c I didn't supervise them when they were playing darts. My god, I told them to becareful since it was just on the wall ... they were 10 or so, that was a huge mistake.

We figured out a system to combat the toy breakage. Anything in the patio was free range. Barbie doll room was only if I was there and anything of value in my room was put away before the family gathering.

And to put the destruction of my family into perspective for you, I'll map out the disrespect ... My cousin Sara and I were playing with my barbies ... okay so far, so good. She has my new ken doll with the brown hair (rare in those days) and she breaks the head off. It's kind of scary/impressive the detail I remember this in. My eyes got wide, I was shocked....that was my newest doll! She shrugs her shoulders, and shoves the head back on ... (and if you played with barbies at all, you'll know that the shove method rarely fixes it for a long period of time).

She didn't blink an eye, say she was sorry or show any remorse or concern for destroying my toy. This should have been a lesson to me. After all, they say we live as we once played. Nonetheless, tangent adverted ....

Somehow the rules stopped being in effect ... I think it was when I moved to Green Bay. Suddenly anyone could play with my Barbies.

Okay, this sounds silly, trival and something a 22-year-old shouldn't be concerned with ... but I had a substancial Barbie collection... full kitcehen set, grocery store, food, entertainment center, bathtub, nursery and master bedroom. Not to mention the three story house with real carpet, vinal floor and wallpaper. This was something I was going to cherish and give to my children. This was my childhood.

Now little kids are playing with my barbies ... four year olds ... losing things, wrecking things, destroying their beautiful hair ...

Any little kids .. who's not even related just wanders back to the room and starts playing .. without asking! GODDAMMIT STAY OUT OF MY BARBIE DOLL ROOM!

After Jan Carl's little terror wrecked some stuff, mom put away most of clothes, dolls and all the little things. Good.

But really .. it's hard to be the bitch who says you can't play in there ... so I guess I just need to keep putting things away (brief break to put away the two best dolls and more little items).

Now, my nieces are respectful. I love Erika (Happy Birthday, btw), sighing when she walks in and sees a mess. Before she does anything else, she straightens everything out, arranges the furniture nicely, and puts away the little things. Courtney is like that too. They can play. They are welcome to play. Because they aren't going to break anything! They realize .. somehow .. that what they are playing with is special. Joannie's Ashley is the same.

So I sit here, looking at the three barely useable slinky segments. And where was the slinky? Shoved on the top of the house, by one little devil, hoping no one would notice the kinks in the coil that makes the toy un-slinkable.

Starry Night at Boy Meets World

I was feeling nostaglic this afternoon ... or I don't know, inspired.

So I pop in, after some debate, an episode of Boy Meets World. Immediately I remember walking through the Phoenix Club, going to the 4E office and hearing the familiar tones from the tv... and seeing the college guys going crazy and transfixed over this show.

That just makes me laugh. So much.

So this wasn't just any episode. It took my breath away. And I found today that it still does.

It's the episode where Angela and Topanga go to the art musuem to check out the Van Gogh exhibit. (holy crap!)

The previous episode(s) Corey chatted up this girl and they kissed. Needless to say it looked pretty dim for the two love birds.

And then in one shimmering moment in front of Van Gogh's irises there he was. Topanga had ended his baseball career all with one fast ball to the butt.

Ah, but he had found art ... and there he was basking in the glory of brilliance ... Starry Night. (Now kiddos, I know what you're thinking, but I had already had my Van Gogh fan card validated before this night)

Ricky Ferris, played by Jonathan Jackson (aka: General Hospital's Lucky) absolutely took my breath away. I would like to think that it wasn't Jackson that puts butterflies in my stomach but the guy he respresents.

They talked about art and culture and they met in a flippin' museum for godsakes! He took her out to this amazingly quaint French restaurant and then drew her a bouquet of gorgeous flowers.

Just writing about it makes my heart flutter. This guy ... though fictious in this form ... is the guy I want ... he's who I'm searching for. And I'm not settling for Joe on the Street, who doesn't know Starry Night from speckly easter eggs. He needs to make butterflies flutter up and by and around just as Ricky Ferris did.

And until that day ... well I don't know .... I do look forward to that day and every day after it. And though I'm not less of a person until that day he comes ... I am itching to see "Starry Night" in person a little bit more.

I'm also itching to watch Boy Meets World again .... oh how I wished she would choose Ricky!

Topanga: Just tell me what you see in the painting, Cory.
Cory: [peers at Starry Night] I see an attack.
Topanga: An attack?
Cory: An attack from another world.
Topanga: An attack from another world. All right, let's look again. What about the relationship between God and man?
Cory: Oh, okay. I was about to get there. See, God, unhappy with how some particular humans treat other particular humans who love them, has decided it's the end of the world. And I think he's right.
Topanga: God is protecting the people in this little town! They live their lives and they come out of their houses, and they see this sky and they know God's protection and love. And that everything will be all right.
Cory: Listen, how do you expect me to see good in anything when I feel so bad in here?

Smile and shrug it off

I realized this week that I was letting myself get wound too tight. If something went wrong, it would wreck my whole day. I would let the littlest things eat at me, so that I was generally cranky and it ruined my mood before it even hit noon.

Even after time I wouldn't let myself get over it.

So now I've taken a different approach. I fume. I get it out. And I move on. And when I feel myself getting mad about something that happened ... I smile and shrug it off.

My office

So today from basically 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. I was filling out a funding application packet for a program I work with. I was going a little batty around noon/fifteen so I decided to take pictures and show you all my wonderful, beautiful (a little messy right now) office.

The messiness shows the complexity of the packet I'm filling out. They're not the best pictures in the world b/c my office is vaguely L shaped and awkward to photograph.

We begin the grand tour with my French message board I made. It displays the materials we've made the current year. Also in this shot is my collage frame with pictures from our San Francisco trip.

Next is the long part of my desk, along my wall of windows, yes five windows, from mid-wall to the ceiling. My view is a field and the highway, but hey, I get natural light so there's no complaining. Here you'll see a box of payroll stuffers I need to deliver, my campaign folders (yes, plural) my coffee pot (essential) and the Target Puppy! I worked hard for him, he deserves a place of honor.


So now we have a look at the rest of my desk. I have my back to the door, which isn't a good fung shui, but not much i can do about it. I have three bulletin boards in my office, a scanner, and plenty of space to spread out and work.

I also have a lot of drawer space for my files. On my right hand side I have the year-round work files and the in-depth campaign planning files. On my left I have inactive files and samples of other work. My bottom drawer I would like to have my picture archive, but the pics need to be organized ... anyone want to be my Intern to do it?


Here's a close up look at my computer and work area. Notice the ducky (from Jenny) and note holder (from Viki). Also my post-it box (from Dawn), starfish (from Michelle) and various inspirational things in my line of vision.

It's an awesome desk, but the tower is under the monitor in a weird compartment thing, and since it's in a corner, the only way to get at the tower is to craw under and pull yourself behind the desk. Unfortunately, my computer is touch, so I'm always losing my mouse or keyboard for no reason. Not to mention it doesn't always pick up my camera when I plug it in. It gets me very dirty and furstrated.


Next is a look at the top of my desk ... which I need to dust sometime. The graduation frame Kerry gave me with our pics from UWGB in. Pictures of my two oldest nieces, a glass with candy in it and my coffee. Above this is the second French memo board I made. This has pictures of my friends and family. It's hard to get at this. But I really should put a couple more pictures in it.

You can see my binders, directories and portfolios. I have a ton of binders that I use frequently. But those three are used almost daily.

The last wall of my office (not pictured) has my printer, a box of stuff I need to go through, a bookcase of binders, cameras and files with newspaper clippings and materials. I have my UWGB banner and the awads I received for journalism and/or leadership from high school throughout college.

So that's my little home. Much more beautiful and wonderful then the hole in the wall I had when I started.

Big Names and Swinging Doors

The trend of the 470 free agent offseason is Big Names trading jerseys. Put away your green No. 8 jersey. Shed a tear and shake your head. Buy your half off Eagles TO jersey for your sarcastic history kicks ... think twice before you invest in his Dallas' blues. Bucs fans rejoin! For you can knock off the dust bunnies and don your best Alstott jersey once again.

Arizona Cardinals sign
Colts RB-Edgerrin James

Baltimore Ravens sign
Denver's RB-Mike Anderson
Resign RB-Jamal Lewis

Carolina Panthers sign
Dallas WR-Keyshawn Johnson (apparently the Big D isn't big enough for the two biggest overinflated egos in the NFL)

Chicago Bears sign
Bucs QB-Brian Griese

Cleveland Browns sign
Seattle's WR-Joe Jurvicus to a four year $10 million deal

Dallas Cowboys
WR-Terrell Owens
Colts' K-Mike Vanderjagt

Detroit Lions
Houston WR-Corey Bradford
QB-Jon Kitna
Packers' LB-Paris Lenon
Cards QB-Josh McCown
Falcons OT-Barry Stokes

Green Bay Packers Sign
Seattle S-Marquand Manuel-- five years, $10 million, $2 million signing bonus
Chiefs WR-Marc Boerigter and DT-Ryan Picket
Tampa Bay's K-Billy Cundiff
Resign
LB-Aaron Kampman
FB-William Henderson
OT-Kevin Barry
DE-Kenny Peterson

Miami Dolphins sign
Vikings QB-Dante Culpepper

Minnesota Vikings sign
K-Ryan Longwell
Philly's QB-Mike McMahon

New Orleans Saints sign
Chargers QB-Drew Brees
Vikings RB-Michael Bennett

New York Giants sign
Redskin's QB-Tim Hasselbeck
Miami's CB-Sam Madison
Detriot's CB-RW McQuarters

New York Jets sign
New England's WR-Tim Dwight
trade for Washington's QB-Patrick Ramsey

Oakland Raiders sign
New Orleans' QB-Aaron Brooks
Pats' CB-Tyrone Poole

Philadelphia Eagles sign
Detriot's QB-Jeff Garcia

Pittsburgh Steelers Sign
Browns' WR-Quincy Morgan
Resign Charlie Batch

St. Louis Rams Sign
Minnesota Vikings S-Corey Chavous
Packers' RB-Tony Fisher
Miami QB-Gus Ferotte

Tampa Bay Buccanneers
Resign FB-Mike Alstott

Tennessee Titans sign
Pats' WR-David Givens

Washington Redskins
New England TE-Christian Feuria
World Champion Steelers' WR-Antuan Randel El

This makes me smile and have some hope

Dear Red States

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, CalTech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health carecosts), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood, Broadway and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirtweed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Author Unknown in New California

Bleeding Feet, Beads, Sweet Potato fries ...

I am totally bummed out. Last year at this time, it was Spring Break. And Kerry and I were in San Francisco.

We walked up the lovely bleeding feet hill to Buena Vista Park. Then Kerry wandered further into the park while I enjoyed the view from where I was posted, enjoying my bleeding feet.

Then we wandered to Golden Gate park where we saw people playing soccer, riding bikes, buying drugs, having picnics. We checked out this Art area/studio/Japanese tea house in the middle of the park and Kerry rode the inside merry-go-round.

We killed some time by exploring Haight Street, going into stores, coughing our ways out of others. We couldn't decide on anything to buy Jenny from Postively Haight Street. (And now I wish I bought the lavendar eyemask from another one of the stores closer to the 555 Haight Guesthouse).

At about noon or so was time for the St. Patrick's Day parade! We sat down on Market Street, across from the Opheum theatre. We had our snacks, water and sunblock on hand ... and watch a three or so hour parade. And ... it was awesome.

Except ... I realized the cute little kids beside us were getting all the attention, toys and candy. So then as one "hot" firefighter passed by with beads, I stuck out my hands ... and he motioned me into the street to get them. Score!

After being beaded, and the parade was over we went to the Museum of Modern Art. It was interesting and sometimes fun, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I did the Asian Art Museum. We were both had a little touch of heat exhaustion, so we didn't stay too long.

We ate at Minnie's BBQ (on the Haight) ... where I had the best Texas Ribeye sandwich and most awesome sweet potato fries.


*Sighs*

1.) View from cool gallery thing in the middle of the Park.
2.) Gallery from the ground
3.) Haight-Ashbury
4.) Fire engine from Parade
5.) Clown flashing us
6.) Ghiradelli ... okay, we didn't go there this day ... but I probably gave them over $100 ... we thought a good tagline would be "Heaven on Earth"

*sighs*

What's in a name?

Okay ... I'm going to do some amending on the previous blog, in response to Kevin's comment.

I don't like it when specific people use my name. Weird No. 3 for example. Opens every conversation with "Hey Stacey" it can't be hi, yo, hola, whatcha doing? It's always "Hi Stacey" And when he spells it wrong ... its all I can do not to growl.

My friends tend not to use my name at the drop of the hat--is it that we're so comfortable with each other already? But when they do, it's very special to me. I won't name names (haha) but one friend only says "Good night Stacey" after we've talked from like 7 p.m. to 2 a.m. -- in those hours we bond, laugh and have a good time. Then he ends the convo with that. It makes the conversation and my friendship with him that much more meaningful. It always makes me smile.

Another friend will only use my name when we're arguing. Or he'll use it when I'm really down. Both of these always makes me smile.

This other friend of mine will only use my name when he thanks me ... for helping with homework, listening, etc. And everytime he does it ... it makes me smile.

And a couple of days ago, Kevin said (in away message): Dmx1C: stacey, if you read this, im me or call me immediately, it is a matter of life and death.

And that made me smile ... it was life and death matter after all :-)

Then the next day he said : Dmx1C: hey stacey, i'm gonna go to bed, so have a good day at work. thanks for being a good friend, you always seem to be there when i need you ...

And that made me smile.

But about ten minutes later I got ... "Hey Stacey." And my teeth clenched. Maybe because I don't like this person is the reason it pisses me off so much when he uses my name.

I also don't like when people are trying to get something from me ... "Hi Stacey, what's up?" five seconds later .. by the way, can I ask you a favor? Rar.

So anyway. If you're a friend. Use it. If you're not sure, use Goo ... that's cool too. If you get one word answers from me when you're talking at me ... well you're not smart enough to know I roll my eyes every time you beep at me.

And Kevin ... Change the link back to STACEYS BLOG!!!!!! :-D

Discombobulated Moments

The different brands of weird in this world perplex me, scare me and make in shake my head in one discombobulated moment.

Take weird No. 1:

40+ male who dresses like a 13-year-old and acts like your number one source for information. He is your expert at anything you might want to know.

And by golly aren't you lucky to be in his presence? Hopefully you have time though, he talks INCREDIBLY SLOW. So slow that instead of wanting to kill him to make it end, you would rather take your own life. He gets the simplest things wrong--even after you correct him a million times. He stares at you when you talk and looks like he's going through a dictionary looking for the right thing to say when he's talking.

Oh yeah. He returned to college at 40 + but couldn't finish his second year. He's in the same job that he was in 10 years ago -- and thinks he's king because of it.

Weird No. 2

This 40+ male is a cancer survivor (awe, warm gooey feelings), but he also regularly uses a tanning bed. He has a decent job, probably was once pretty good at it. He has ken-doll hair (read: it never moves, and is styled like Mr. Barbie's hair). He's monotone and expression doesn't change. He's creepiness factor is how needy he is. He finds nice women who won't push him away or tell him off, and latches on as a friend. He's the type of friend who asks why you didn't call, or why when you called you only talked five minutes instead of ten. You have to sit by him when you're in a group setting and god forbid you even talk to anyone else -- or heaven forbid, another man! He's possessive of you and makes you feel guilty if you don't give him 110 percent of your attention. When he doesn't get his way--he pouts--or worse, he uses the power he has in his job and lords it over you ... threatening to do something until you give in.

You've never seen his wife or kids. You have his work phone, cell phone, home phone, cabin phone. He's emailed you at all times of day and night -- so much in fact you wonder how he gets any work done at all. He takes interest in anything you are interested. He sends you cards, flowers, brings you lunch .. and then is offended when you ask him to stop because people might start talking.

Weird No. 3

This one isn't so much weird as annoying. This one is a male, not as old but just as needy. He always wants to talk, but it's never a conversation. It's him saying he doesn't like his life or he's bored or he misses his precious girlfriend who left him. Not once does he ask about you or pick up when you're not feeling happy. He makes irrelevant statements and talks "up" trying to sound smart. The problem is he's not smart enough to know you don't care or to pick up that you're kidding or are bored.

Since I'm randoming ranting ... I'll continue with recent pet peeves.

Don't constantly use my name in conversation. Especially online ... you don't need to say "Hi Stacey" every time we start talking. It's my dialog box, I know you're talking to me. "Real" conversations are okay to use names ... just not at every sentence--it should be a natural flow.

For some reason when online, names are more sacred ... you can open up the convo w/ a screen name: if it's just something you do or if you haven't talked to a person in forever--but not their name.

It always gets my attention when someone uses my name online ... and if they're just doing it ... it kinda ticks me off.

Tell me everything you want me to be

I'm dying to know, but terrfied to ask.

Because at least if I'm not sure there's always that chance.


All the songs I'm digging right now make me cry ... and I don't think it's in a good way.

I saw your face in a crowded place ... and I don't know what to do, cuz I'll never be with you.
But it's time to face the truth ... I'll never be with you.

You were holding me like someone broken, and I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now.
Just let me hold you while we're falling apart. Just let me hold and we'll both fall down.
Fall on me ... tell me everything you want me to be.
Call on me ... I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me.

You may need me there to carry all of your weight. But you're no burden

You always find a way to keep me right here waiting.
And you're just so independant. You just refuse to bend, so I keep bending until I break.

Sometimes I worry .......

About leaving candles burning while I leave the room

That my computer will start buzzing before I'm done doing whatever I'm doing

Smacking my computer will break it
Since my niece Hailey is so quiet around me she doesn't like me, or that she thinks I favor Erika over her (which I don't!)

My loved ones got into a huge and terrible car accident if they're late
I'm not doing a good job at work
People think since I'm not bubbly that I'm being snobby to them

My Leadership group thinks I'm being too forceful/bitchy/power hungry when I took the lead role in our project

I'm too open with people

That I'm lazy/waste too much time

My beliefs may be fundamentally wrong
My family doesn't see the real me
I gossip too much

The people I trust will turn and take all the information they gleaned from me by pretending to be my friend/confidant and use it against me

My wand will blow up if I use it more than once a day (and it did)
I'm not over it
My social skills will never improve

I don't do enough around the house

Drinking coffee/wine/tea will never allow my teeth to be sparkling white
My short hair cut makes me less feminine

It feels funny when I try to use the 32 on the top row of my keyboard. I think it might be the work of the evil little computer elves that are making my tower hum.

Bowl that's super and not so super colors

This weekend is the Super Bowl... which is always exciting, if only for the commercials. But this year, I'm also pysched for the game. I don't have anything invested in either team, but I have been a fan of Big Ben Roethlisberger since his debut last year. Of course, I support Matt Hasslebeck, but would rather see Holmgren fail. Petty? Maybe. Do I care? Not a chance.

On a totally separate rant: why the hell do some teams have three + jersey colors? What was ever wrong with home and away?

• Falcons: Black, white, red.
• Seahawks: Blue, white, blackish.
• Eagles: Green, white, Greenish-black.
• Bengals: Black, white, orange
• Chargers: Navy blue, white, power blue (who would wear this unless it was a throwback day? Yuck!)
• Bears: Blue, White, Orange
• Ravens: Purple, White, Black
• Giants: Blue, white, Red
• Cardinals: Red, white, White w/red shoulders

I mean, come on!~ Two wasn't enough? What's the point? They use the extra color for home and away, so it kind of takes away from the Home jersey. I could maybe understand if they used it for away to be more intimidating (haha) or to give the team that extra edge. Maybe I would even be satisfied if the teams adopting another color would at least give an explaination other than expanding their wardrobe. But you never hear about why ... only that they're wearing a different one ... if that.



Hey folks, you can get your Terrell Owens Eagles jersey for 49.99 rather than the 74 bucks it was running at.

Calendar Graveyard

Ushering in a new year means many things: watching a giant glass ball drop on people counting backwards in Times Square, writing the wrong date on checks and such for two weeks and wiping the slate clean to embrace new beginnings.

These are all fine traditions, all mystical in their own special way, but my favorite part of ridding myself of December is getting a new calendar. Just think of the all things you get and discard within a year. You go through clothes, office supplies, siginificant others, but the calendar will, without fail, stay with you from January to December.

It's so hard to find good calendars, and that's bizarre because there are so many out there. I can never quickly decide which calendar I am going to share my year with. That's a huge commitment to make--we're talking 365 days of your life--if you are not going to look upon this piece fondly.

Even with the care I take to find the perfect calendar to guide me through the eyar, our journey rarely ends in Calendar Utopia. When December comes to a close and you're laying out your resolutions, instead of sending your calendar to meet its make like Christmas's crumpled wrapping paper--take the calendar from its perch and find a proper new home for it.

Just think, Calendar Utopia, keeping the grid of dates from 2005 or even 2002. It nolonger serves any practical purpose, but to discard it would be a great injustice. I have only reached this state of being, with the Green and Gold Hardbody calendar. Ahhhhh....yes, that was a keeper.

The calendar is a gift that keeps giving. Each month brings a new visual masterpiece to feast upon. My greatest disappointment is when I turn to May 1 and there is a less than satisfactory habitat for my birthday.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas ... No, Wait--It's still there

This year, Christians are getting all bent out of shape because the "nasty liberals" are stealing Christmas from them. When did we step into a Dr. Seuss book?

They fear a world with proclamations of Happy Holidays.

Have you ever thought about why we say Happy Holidays? It's to be inclusive. Open your minds a little and imagine that four different holidays are celebrated in this general time span. Yes, four. You generally can't tell by looking at a person what their holiday of choice is, so instead of risk offending or simply being wrong you say "Happy Holidays" to wish your neighbor love and good cheer during this joyous season. Hasn't anyone told you god is in your heart? No one can take that from you!

Tell me why is it when your god spreads good will among men and there is song after song of how he loves everyone, in fact I think he was the one who suggested you love your neighbor like yourself, and written documentation he treated the people no one else loved like they were his own. So if you stand by all of this ... and you should because it's in that book you pull out in every other argument ... then why are you not following it?

The point of this time of year is to celebrate--your god, your family, friends ... happiness and cheer. Yes, we can take secularism too far, but I always come back and ponder: What if a religious person other than Christian came to the center of a school, town hall or in the mall and started worshiping his/her god.

What if it's seems foreign to us, and maybe a little scary?

If you would say: Good for them! Freedom of speech! Yay America! Well then I think we should proudly display the Ten Commandments, Koran and any other religious artifact in our courtrooms and schools.

However, I think the reaction would be a little more like: "How dare expose me and my children to that filth! This is America--there is separation of church and state for a reason. And that reason is so I don't have to see what every Tom, Dick and Harry is worshiping tonight."

Everyone is allowed to celebrate however they want. That's why America was founded--and that's why there's a separation of Church and State. It wasn't created to piss you off. It was done so everyone, even if they didn't agree with the majority, could choose to believe what they wanted and live the way they chose. Prayer is not allowed in public school, government and workplaces because it's a peer pressure situation--if I don't follow the group will I be harmed physically? Will I get bad grades? A paycut? Unfair treatment in the eyes of the law?

It's not because we all hate Christians, it's so we don't force an atheist, Hebrew or Muslim to act against his or her heart, just because the people with the loudest voices think their way is the right one.

It's secular--a compromise so no one is hurt. You can still pray, just don't expect me to join you. Choosing to battle over wishing Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas or a Holiday vs. Christmas tree is a little petty.

Stop trying to get people to think like you and start living life the way you preach: good will to all, peace on Earth. Come together during this season: all races, religions, sexual orientations and follow whatever doctrine you hold true. Take the part that said we are all loved and for one moment look past the conflicting labels, ideologies and dogma to truly celebrate the goodness of humankind during this holiday (yes, holiday) season.

Take a page from Shakespeare's book, a tree by any other name will smell as piney ... unless of course, it's fake ... but there's a spray to solve that problem.

Five kidneys in second grade

My mom came into my room to tell me we were going to Madison. But the next day was my second grade class pictures. I had my outfit picked out and was really looking forward to them. We can go after tomorrow...can't we? This is important.

But, honey ... remember Daddy needs a new kidney? They found one, it's very special to do that. It doesn't come often, so we have to go tonight. If you want to stay, you have to go by grandma and you'll be away from us for two weeks.

I started to cry. But we packed and headed to grandma's. I cried more. I thought I was being left behind. No, they were just driving us to Madison. It was late and we slept.

I don't remember getting there, and I don't know where we stayed. I do remember sitting waiting for them to tell us everything was okay. They eventually did.

I got a diary from the gift shop. My very first. I don't think mom wanted to buy it ... it probably was expensive. but she got it for me anyway. I had a cough, but didn't want to take the icky medicine, but they made me ... because otherwise they would force me to wear a mask. "You don't want to get your dad, sick right?" -- Is that really the way to tell a kid to take their medicine? --

He did get sick. We were back home. Mom told me Dad got sick again. His kidney wasn't working. They got another one but that didn't work much either. He couldn't come home until they found another one. I hope they do. I hope it works.

We're back in Madison. At one end, the room with windows and the helicopter pad has Ninetendo. I met Holly. She's my friend. We played Super Mario brothers and got to the small castle. Dad got another kidney. This one works.

Mom tells me Holly's going home, her family is all better. I run to the window and see them leaving ... it probably wasn't them.

I remember mom crying. Only that worried me. I can still smell the hospital food and balloons.

It was 15 years ago.

The Morning After ~ Mood: Week 6: With a win, Packers are back on the highlight reels! Week 7: I spoke too soon.

Watching Aaron Brooks I realized that even with Brett Favre’s mistakes he is what legends are made of because he goes 150 percent. Favre always goes for the win, and its not always pretty. Since he’s thinking win, the Packers always have a chance. Under Favre’s gun, there’s the highest of the high and lowest lows, and no one feels it more than No. 4 when there’s an incomplete pass.

Before the Packer win there was much talk of trading Brett Favre. Come on! After what this man has done for the team? Do you want to be the labeled as the franchise who traded a legend? I know the Falcons would be devastated to lose that honor. You live by Favre. You die by Favre. And if that’s not your mantra, your not a very good Packer fan.

Injuries. We learn who we are under adversity. I think its time Packer fans and the team starts learning.

I say call in the reserves. Start dialing Travis Jervey’s number!

Foxsports online is looking for a new Packers head coach…looking in the Northeast. Apparently, Seattle is feeling little love Holmgren. But I don’t know if Wisconsin will welcome him back.

QB-Drew Brees battles for title of most underrated quarterback … probably losing only to Trent Dilfer. Brees, with the help of his receiving core and ground threat LaDanion Tomlinson, has taken the worst team in the league to an actual threat on Sundays. Brees led the Chargers to dethrone the mighty Patriots, benching the epic Tom Brady … and still gets no love.

It’s LT’s town and even when Brees throws for 2TDs and 248 yards. Voted the Comeback Player of 2005, the Chargers' front office waited until the last week to tag Brees, yet they draft high Phillip Rivers and this week brought in AJ Feely. With his contract up again this year, Brees’ location remains uncertain. The Chargers are crazy for not loving him, and the Packers are crazy for not breathing down their necks to pick him up.

"This is all because Keyshawn Johson wrote the book “Give
Me the Damn Ball.” If you complain, you’re going to get the football.”

~ Boomer Eaison,

CBS NFL Today: Week 6

I did something dumb last night ...

I wanted to watch the late night CSI. It was scheduled to be on at 10:35, no big deal, I wouldn't have to make Monday morning an early one.

The time came and Walker was still on. So I waited until 11, then it was News and Chris Matthews ... CSI finally came on at midnight ... I was tired so I went to sleep. The damn show I stayed up for came on .. and i went to sleep--two hours of sleep i'll never get back that I'm feeling right now.

Gah. 16 minutes to exercise, write and adventure. I wanted to be in bed by 9. I guess all that stuff isn't gonna happen.

Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Stealth

Ponder.

We say we're honest, but are we? white lie here and there to save feelings. Smiling at a joke to be polite, keeping calm when something doesn't go right.

We say good for you and we're happy and proud because that's the right thing to say, but it's really tearing you up inside.

I sometimes wonder what people really think, though I know that would only cause trouble. I'm taken back to instances where if you really said what you felt ... we probably wouldn't have gotten along.

I'll offend you too, and I'm sorry. But the world is polite.

when you fire someone, you let them go because they're performance didn't meet expectations. Not you're lazy and stupid, now get out of my office, bitch!

Would that help?

What would happen if the small talk would be eliminated and we could say you're the person i've been looking for? Is that an illusion best kept in shadows to preserve safe relationships?

You say you can read me only because you know me ... but how can you read my emotions when i don't know what i'm feeling? And why does no one else care that they don't know me? And how shallow do they think I am if they do think they know me?

What if life had five second delay? Oops Janet's nipple, there it is ... *OFFENDED! OFFENDED!* What? NO, it didn't happen.

Tell a joke, no laugh, go back with your delay and you save face. You just shut the microphone off for awhile while Joe blow is swearing off camera.

Two wine glasses and a mountain dew can added to the collection. Where does the time go?

gddgf

If you mix chocolate liqour and coke and let it sit long enough, it will separate so that the chocolate-looking color is on top and the bottom is totally clear.

I feel sort of hazy right now. The day went by and I really didn't do anything special. Adventured in KoL, mowed lawn, cut peppers and of course, watched Angel. Something seems missing though.

Now I'm waiting for something good to come on TV, or debating putting in a DVD. So hard to choose what to watch though.

On the computer desk there is: one espresso cup, martini glass, margarita glass, wine glass and a pepsi can. No I'm not an alcoholic ... I'm just lazy. Alas.

For some reason, I'm missing California a lot right now. I wish I was amongst the golden hills helping vineyards harvest and make wine. ah ... wine.

My legs are achey, which could contribute to the restless feeling.

I hear a dog in my yard...but we don't have a dog

A couple different lines of thought for this one. Stick with my randomness and love me for it anyway.

Today was the Leadership Retreat -- leadership class that's pretty prestigous in the town and taken uber seriously. Note: I'm the youngest one there. 55 percent have children my age, 40 percent have children older than me and 5 percent are at or below five years older than me.

So breakfast through lunch I feel totally out of place when they laugh about their silly 22-year-olds doing silly young adult things while they have the worries and stress of buying homes and remodeling their home or being married or bailing out their silly 22-year-old. (For those who like math, here's one for you ... I was born in 1983)

Right after lunch we did the Meyers-Briggs. The people were rivited, excited and confused all in one bubbly ball. * YAWN * All of this stuff they were doing and laboring to understand was like Phil Clampitt 101. Been there, done that.

Then we went into problem solving--okay, I can go with this, *channels Phil* and I took charge of group of six composed of Mr. I've been married since 1983, Ms. I'm remodeling my house and three others who weren't the overwhelming sterotypes they yapped about for the early part of the day.

Our task was to take charge of relief effort in New Orleans. They start talking...oh the water, oh the sewage and death .... no vision. Bang! I put it in priorities, group the essentials, ask the so what and if it's feasible and ethical and most of Phil's other seven questions.

Time comes to present. I'm and INFJ--Read: Introvert. And what do I do? Go down our Plan of Action and explain implications to the group.

Results: Boring day, didn't have to work, but promising program--this should be the only part that I already had drilled in my head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people drive me crazy with how self-absorbed they are. Now, I admit--I can be pretty clueless, selfish, absorbed and annoying. BUT I TRY NOT TO BE! I'm human--I let others do that here and there and when I catch myself doing the self-absorbed stuff I stop and try to refocus myself.

But others ... simply have no clue. It's all about them, always will be about them and how DARE you try to compare yourself to them because it's not the same and their situation trumps yours. Now, I preversly enjoy knocking the "I'm so great, i'm so great" people down a notch. It's the opposite that is harder to deal with--there's nothing you can say to them!

They don't believe you when you try to positively encourage them and you only fuel their fire when you agree with them.

My cousin Tim emailed me the other day. He got me thinking this. Tim is around 32ish and has been in the Army since he was 18. He has been stationed in Germany, Italy, was in the first gulf war, stationed in Atlanta (during the TJ days) now lives in Arizona, worked throughout the Middle East this Gulf war and slept in Sadam's palaces.

So with all of this, I never really knew Tim. But we bonded during the December '99 Tennessee Oiler game--Reggie White's last game as a Green Bay Packer. I HATE watching football with people. I don't do it. But I could watch it with Tim, we had fun. I think Tim said he never got to watch Packer football b/c of wherever he was stationed. So I started writing updates and summaries of the game for him. And he always appreciated it.

Anyways, I'm not U-RA-RA Army in any sense. I respect those who chose to do it as a career--but I am always suspicious of a military type before I get to know them (if nothing else b/c the most outspoken ones think they're better than the average citizen). Sorry, it's a flaw.

But Tim humbles me. I have so much respect for him, and I'm proud he's my cousin. He emails me to chat about the Packers, asks about me, and always gives a report about what he's doing. And he's usually doing something that will be in the history books and reports it to me with such honesty, graveness and insight. He puts life into perspective.

The Packers are 0-2. So what? People in New Orleans don't have a home and don't know where there future will lead them. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place right now. Well you know what? I have a home, a family and a job. Not everyone can say that.

I am grateful for what I have and all the blessings in my life.

But some people just don't get it.

I had a conversation with some one recently. They were going on and on about the pity that is them. I didn't feel like playing along after I read Tim's email.

Mike said he was sick of his routine--no one would notice if he disappeared.
I said I was cold.
Mike said he was emotionally cold and the world hated him.
I said my toes hurt.
Mike said that he was ugly and would never find a girl and was worthless.
I said I missed watching The Simpsons twice a day.
My life is hopeless, no friends, no woman, there's no point, no god--I wish I would just die.
I said I was hungry. ~ I went and got a snack ~
Mike said fine, he would rid everyone else of their suffering and just kill himself, he's just a void in this world and couldn't stand his ungrateful, uncaring, petty friends anyway.
And with that, he left.

I got back and shrugged. I couldn't say anything to Mike that I hadn't said before. I gave him every sign that I wasn't interested in the poor me act and he didn't get the hint to start a different conversation. Mike has never asked me how my day was or if I like my job. Mike never knows from the tone of my voice, look on my face or manner of my IMs when I'm upset. I could set myself on fire before him and I don't know if he would notice. If he did it would be to tell me I was lucky because I would die soon. I can count the number of "normal" conversations I've had with him on ONE HAND.

God. Get over yourself. We all get down we all lose touch with ourselves.

But it can be so much worse! I'm glad Tim helped me remember how lucky I am.

I'm also glad I have friends who can tell I'm in trouble or upset by the way I IM them. And even though we've been in the same zip code four times they'll have me call them and talk for hours about nothing just so I'm talking to someone and not crying.

We all have our faults. Recognize them and try to overcome them. Love the people who accept you even with them.

The Morning After ~ Mood: Monday Hangover

* Packer Commentary*

No, not literally, but that’s what it looked like the Packers were dealing with on the field Sunday. The team just didn’t look into it. As a Packer fan since ’95, I’m not used to a slow start—but I’m much more optimistic than most fans out there.

Yes, I want my favorite team to win, but the game in general is what brings me back…ah how I’ve evolved. Packer fans have gotten spoiled in the Favre Era. They forgot all the losing before him, or maybe fans are terrified the records of pre-Favre are making a comeback. With the league today good teams change as often as the wind does—a little off season work and a good eye on the waivers, a winning team can be created. Dynasties are fairy tales and dominance often comes from those with nothing else to lose.

With that said, the Packers need to find some way to light a fire under themselves. If they couldn’t do that the day they retired Reggie White’s number with his wife and kids there—I just don’t know.

We’re used to Favrian—miracles with the offense saving the day. It used to be that Brett was always bailing out the defense. This just simply isn’t the case anymore. Brett and the offense can’t afford to make mistakes, hoping the defense will give them a second chance to perform last minute heroics.

That goes for coaching too! Time management has been killing them game after game. They need to feel the urgency when they’re down with 10 minutes into the fourth quarter—not three. Before they would run down the clock so it would be just enough for Brett to score and let the other team try to be the hero.

That usually worked. They’re on to that my friends—and they also know the ball is up for grabs when Favre is coming from behind. Coaching must adjust to the fact that everyone knows the strengths and weaknesses of Favre—and the coaches haven’t adjusted.

I don’t know about the defense. I read today Packers are considered one of worse defenses in the league. I think that’s too harsh, but if being slapped in the face gets them motivated…slap away.

Don’t count them out yet—but don’t let it eat you too much if the loss comes again.

“Brian Bellick—I have a better chance winning the Kentucky Derby on a donkey than you do winning the Super Bowl with Kyle Boller as your starting quarterback,”
~ Shannon Sharpe of CBS NFL Today to Ravens Head Coach

The Morning After ~ Mood: Manic Monday

*Packer Commentary*

0-1 ... they say the Packers lost because of the O-line ...

Okay, so we lost two outstanding guards. It happens, it’s called Free Agency—you’ve been there before—get over it.

So boys and girls, don’t count the Packers out of the hunt because of the stale opener. No, they won’t achieve anything if they continue playing like that. However, defense improved from last year, special teams wasn’t stinking it up like they had previously.

And, despite what Sunday’s commentators say, Favre is surrounded by Pro Bowlers … who earned that right while playing with the Green Bay Packers. Commentators said there’s no one around Brett Favre, he doesn’t know his team anymore. My question: When did Brett Favre leave the Packers? How does he not know his offense? Lets take a look at the stats, shall we?

Pro Bowlers on the starting offense:
Ahman Green
William Henderson
Donald Driver
Bubba Franks


Stats on the guys who haven’t played in Honolulu:
Robert Ferguson: season ended last year after blow to the head—The Packers are 7-1 when Ferguson has a touchdown
Chad Clifton: the only player to play every snap from scrimmage for his position during 2003-2004
Kevin Berry: was part of the rotating guards when there were injuries, key blocker
David Martin, Najeh Davenport, Tony Fisher: all have gotten regular snaps, but have been limited with serious injuries—yet un-plagued this year and ready to roll.

Here’s what they need to cover when they head into meetings:

• Stop those Penalties! They were flagged 14 times for 100 yards. The offense was hit for five offenses, special teams once, and defense eight—four coming from Carroll.
• Get fired up beyond Favre—he’s great, everyone knows it—but the team needs more intensity beyond Brett, and it hasn’t been there since Reggie White left the team in 1999.
• Wide receivers need to complete their routes, complete their plays. You’re not giving enough unless you’re going until the whistle blows.
• Everyone needs to improve their conditioning.
• Tight ends need to step up: with a depleted receiving core, Bubba and the gang have to take more snaps, make the catch and follow through.
• Hit the Waivers and get some tried and true wide receivers—and get rid of Antonio Chatman. He drops the balls from Brett and hesitates too much on returns. People seem to forget the year the Packers won the Super Bowl they went with Andre Rison (mid-season pick up-waivers), Don Beebe (not a superstar by any means), Antonio Freeman (injured during most of the season)
  
  

  The allure of the season opener is that
  everyone is undefeated, everyone has a chance at the Super Bowl …

Thank goodness for Family Guy

Watching the Sunday early show, they showed the world sickened and appalled that the "greatest superpower" couldn't help its own citizens. We rushed to the tsuami vicitims, but will not do the same for our own.

During this week, I wondered where the other countries were. The slightest sneeze any where else, the USA is there. We give our dollars, our military and everything else they need. This is tsuami quality--where are they? But I saw on the news today, 50 countries have offered help. 50! They are standing by waiting for the government to give the go ahead.

We don't deserve the title of superpower, I don't want it. Of course, don't blame all of America. Blame the government! IF you can't get your act together to help these people--let everyone else waiting in the wings to step in and get the job done. There's a lot of rebuilding and recovery to do.

The world is laughing at us. And I laugh with them, only in a sick way...wondering where I should call my new home if things get any worse.

When Bush was re-elected, we said, it's okay...only four years--if we make it that far. And that truly is the case. No, Bush didn't cause the hurricane or the levies to fail. But he has the power to get every means available to New Orleans to help these people. But he didn't.

Also didn't visit the hardest hit area. But he visited his pet project, Iraq.

Yeah...Iraq...we're getting stuff done there too.

Yet, the country is outraged. About Gas. About Iraq. About Hurricane Katrina Aftermath.

Really, it should only be 49 percent of the country outraged. Us liberal democratic folks.

The rest of you elected this Urban Cowboy. You sent your sons and daughters there. You sent ours there as well.

You're shocked that you're paying $3+ for gas. You're also donating your dollars to the American Red Cross...only with the immediate on your mind--like when you elected your very own American Terrorist.

This is what you got. And it's only going to get worse, I'm afraid.

He is not capable of being a leader of the people--he has his agenda only on his mind .... and as William Rinquist passing away....he'll leave his ugly conservative mark on us for years to come.

Just remember, unless you're in the top one percent...he doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know you're there...unless of course, it was near voting time. Even then he did just enough to get by. AND YOU WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE HIM!

No wonder the world is laughing at you!

My only hope is we can recover from these four years of darkness.

To Push or Pull, that is the question

I'm having issues with doors. One would think, with such a simple device, there would be a standard. A couple of weeks ago I was dropping stuff off in this very corporate building. Glass and shiny it was very harsh and an unwelcoming environment. When I was ready to leave, I couldn't get out. I didn't know whether i was being dumb or if the Big Brother world had me. I didn't know if alarms or security would be notified if I kept pulling on the door. Finally, swallowing my pride, i picked up the lobby phone and dialed the receptionist...or whoever... number. It was a little bit of both, I entered/wanted to leave too close together, something with the door's latching system didn't turn off, plus it was a push not pull. I went back to this place this week. A woman who worked there came in from lunch...and couldn't get the door open. She was pushing it (we were on the outside) I was thinking...pull. She called the desk. They were doing a latch test (or whatever) and they were locked. Plus she was pushing instead of pulling.

So yeah. why can't anyone decide. Outside push, inside pull or visa versa. Come on people. Stop playing with viagra or rogaine. Figure out a door system! (Or cure cancer and the like)

Its an unfair assumption that anyone buying body jewerly likes skulls, goth and heavy metal. Nothing wrong with the people who do. But why can't a person buy tasteful body jewerly without giving their credit card number to a total unknown entity? And Why the hell would you put something pointy in a wound in your body? And the plugs in general creep me out.

I need to get my fantasy teams in order. I drafted them and then nothing. I need to pick up the lesser known players that'll pull in the stats. Unfortunately, with all of the Fantasy Draft programs on nowadays, more people know these lesser knowns--without doing the homework themselves :-/

mmm chocolate

I haven't blogged in such a long time, so I figured I would stop by even though I didn't have a consistant string of anything to say.

I had somewhat of a life tonight, I went to the Fall Staff picnic (or whatever it's officially called) at Andy's house, the Dean of the college I went to. Michelle invited me and I'm glad I went. It actually was a lot of fun. Now I only have a quasi-life because everyone there was probably 20 years older than me. But nonetheless these people are my friends and it was good just to be there to do something other than go home after work.

What else? I really need to dye my hair it again ... it's three different colors. My natural color, blond from the sun and the faded auburn.

I went to town with Goodwill yesterday. I bought an awesome wine glass--great for swirling, Napa Valley quality. A smurf glass...Kerry might have it, but I still think we should double check in case it's different from the other Baker Smurf she has. And today I bought some comfy suede pseudo-ballet flats that are sparkily to wear around work when I don't feel like actually wearing shoes.

My room gets so messy. I don't know what my problem is. Probably that I flop down after work and don't want to clean it until the weekend.


My knee hurts. Stupid Lymes Disease.

Llama. Guinness.

Shiny.

Sdo out.

Space Monkeys

*** Warning, Warning ... This is a positive post! ***

I was able to do something I've always enjoyed but really haven't had the opportunity to indulge in lately. I finished two books in two days. Ahh, the rush of a good book, how I missed thee. Slowly I enter the world I used to know: casual reading. No more taking notes, learning terms, worrying that each miniscule detail will haunt me later on a midterm or final.

But nonetheless...This isn't what this entry is about.

As I was mowing lawn, I took the opportunity to reflect on the uneasy feeling I have been immersed in. It came down to being disappointed that I had to settle into the "rest of my life" and I was frustrated because I wasn't where I wanted to be at this point. (then a light bulb clicked on saying that i didn't have to! 22! This isn't a stagnent part of my life)

Athletes, actors ... Famous people ... say they always knew they were destined for greatness. I never knew that, quite the opposite. I knew that if I was to have anything at all, I needed to work and fight for it. And it this point ... I lost the will to fight.

I don't know how it happened, I settled into a mindset that circumstances commanded this was all I got. I had no control.

I had no further goals, no ambitions. What was the point? This was it.

It was best materialized and visable when I was looking at magazines sadly--checking out the "managing your time," "asking for the raise," "health issues you should know." No fun stuff. Then I was watching kids at our golf event, they were so cute and having such simple fun. And I couldn't relate. I couldn't remember how to feel that way. That realization gave me such pangs. I never wanted to lose the childish spirit.

Mowing lawn, it came to me.

I lost focus--the problem wasn't that I was stuck and there weren't any goals or opportunities left for me. I was creating my own anguish. I was so worried about all of the stuff I didn't have and couldn't control. I questioned every decision I made and beat myself up for every wasted moment. I lost focus, I lost my path to greatness.

The dangerous part of the daily grind is that numbing lull in the path. It distracts you from yourself, hides your path even though you are steps away from it. It kept me unsettled. Distracted me so I couldn't find a routine that would give stability as I continued my journey.

My chest tightened. I can't recall many times before that I felt evil so close.

This is either lofty thinking or totally unoriginal. But it is real to me.

I read Fight Club yesterday--maybe that's why it clicked. Last year, I watched the movie with my mom. After declaring it was fucked up, I told her how much I could relate. She looked worried.

There are many truths there though.

You always here about near death experiences (near life in the book) and how it wakes people up from the droning hell of their life--but the point of a near LIFE experience is to shake the drone by actually living--a quaint concept, really.

Sometimes their realizations scare me with the statement of greatness and all...But when you're asked what you want to be when you grow up, its something larger than life ... And from grade school on it's just one big reality crashing disappointment.

But what it comes done to is being true to yourself, staying on the path, controlling your destiny. Not sitting back, internalizing the condeming lull, letting Tyler Durden take control. I was letting my internal Tyler tell me I was a space monkey, shot out to do the bidding of the Gods who didn't care about my safe return.

I am NOT a space monkey! And I kicked my Tyler out, I'm sure he found a nice comfy corner in the back of my mind to settle in for a day when i'm feeling low. But he's not going to be popping up making soap right now.


...

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."


"We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact."


"We don't have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit. We have a revolution against culture. The great depression is our lives. We have a spiritual depression."

...

all from mowing the lawn.