The Grinch Who Stole Christmas ... No, Wait--It's still there

This year, Christians are getting all bent out of shape because the "nasty liberals" are stealing Christmas from them. When did we step into a Dr. Seuss book?

They fear a world with proclamations of Happy Holidays.

Have you ever thought about why we say Happy Holidays? It's to be inclusive. Open your minds a little and imagine that four different holidays are celebrated in this general time span. Yes, four. You generally can't tell by looking at a person what their holiday of choice is, so instead of risk offending or simply being wrong you say "Happy Holidays" to wish your neighbor love and good cheer during this joyous season. Hasn't anyone told you god is in your heart? No one can take that from you!

Tell me why is it when your god spreads good will among men and there is song after song of how he loves everyone, in fact I think he was the one who suggested you love your neighbor like yourself, and written documentation he treated the people no one else loved like they were his own. So if you stand by all of this ... and you should because it's in that book you pull out in every other argument ... then why are you not following it?

The point of this time of year is to celebrate--your god, your family, friends ... happiness and cheer. Yes, we can take secularism too far, but I always come back and ponder: What if a religious person other than Christian came to the center of a school, town hall or in the mall and started worshiping his/her god.

What if it's seems foreign to us, and maybe a little scary?

If you would say: Good for them! Freedom of speech! Yay America! Well then I think we should proudly display the Ten Commandments, Koran and any other religious artifact in our courtrooms and schools.

However, I think the reaction would be a little more like: "How dare expose me and my children to that filth! This is America--there is separation of church and state for a reason. And that reason is so I don't have to see what every Tom, Dick and Harry is worshiping tonight."

Everyone is allowed to celebrate however they want. That's why America was founded--and that's why there's a separation of Church and State. It wasn't created to piss you off. It was done so everyone, even if they didn't agree with the majority, could choose to believe what they wanted and live the way they chose. Prayer is not allowed in public school, government and workplaces because it's a peer pressure situation--if I don't follow the group will I be harmed physically? Will I get bad grades? A paycut? Unfair treatment in the eyes of the law?

It's not because we all hate Christians, it's so we don't force an atheist, Hebrew or Muslim to act against his or her heart, just because the people with the loudest voices think their way is the right one.

It's secular--a compromise so no one is hurt. You can still pray, just don't expect me to join you. Choosing to battle over wishing Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas or a Holiday vs. Christmas tree is a little petty.

Stop trying to get people to think like you and start living life the way you preach: good will to all, peace on Earth. Come together during this season: all races, religions, sexual orientations and follow whatever doctrine you hold true. Take the part that said we are all loved and for one moment look past the conflicting labels, ideologies and dogma to truly celebrate the goodness of humankind during this holiday (yes, holiday) season.

Take a page from Shakespeare's book, a tree by any other name will smell as piney ... unless of course, it's fake ... but there's a spray to solve that problem.

Five kidneys in second grade

My mom came into my room to tell me we were going to Madison. But the next day was my second grade class pictures. I had my outfit picked out and was really looking forward to them. We can go after tomorrow...can't we? This is important.

But, honey ... remember Daddy needs a new kidney? They found one, it's very special to do that. It doesn't come often, so we have to go tonight. If you want to stay, you have to go by grandma and you'll be away from us for two weeks.

I started to cry. But we packed and headed to grandma's. I cried more. I thought I was being left behind. No, they were just driving us to Madison. It was late and we slept.

I don't remember getting there, and I don't know where we stayed. I do remember sitting waiting for them to tell us everything was okay. They eventually did.

I got a diary from the gift shop. My very first. I don't think mom wanted to buy it ... it probably was expensive. but she got it for me anyway. I had a cough, but didn't want to take the icky medicine, but they made me ... because otherwise they would force me to wear a mask. "You don't want to get your dad, sick right?" -- Is that really the way to tell a kid to take their medicine? --

He did get sick. We were back home. Mom told me Dad got sick again. His kidney wasn't working. They got another one but that didn't work much either. He couldn't come home until they found another one. I hope they do. I hope it works.

We're back in Madison. At one end, the room with windows and the helicopter pad has Ninetendo. I met Holly. She's my friend. We played Super Mario brothers and got to the small castle. Dad got another kidney. This one works.

Mom tells me Holly's going home, her family is all better. I run to the window and see them leaving ... it probably wasn't them.

I remember mom crying. Only that worried me. I can still smell the hospital food and balloons.

It was 15 years ago.

The Morning After ~ Mood: Week 6: With a win, Packers are back on the highlight reels! Week 7: I spoke too soon.

Watching Aaron Brooks I realized that even with Brett Favre’s mistakes he is what legends are made of because he goes 150 percent. Favre always goes for the win, and its not always pretty. Since he’s thinking win, the Packers always have a chance. Under Favre’s gun, there’s the highest of the high and lowest lows, and no one feels it more than No. 4 when there’s an incomplete pass.

Before the Packer win there was much talk of trading Brett Favre. Come on! After what this man has done for the team? Do you want to be the labeled as the franchise who traded a legend? I know the Falcons would be devastated to lose that honor. You live by Favre. You die by Favre. And if that’s not your mantra, your not a very good Packer fan.

Injuries. We learn who we are under adversity. I think its time Packer fans and the team starts learning.

I say call in the reserves. Start dialing Travis Jervey’s number!

Foxsports online is looking for a new Packers head coach…looking in the Northeast. Apparently, Seattle is feeling little love Holmgren. But I don’t know if Wisconsin will welcome him back.

QB-Drew Brees battles for title of most underrated quarterback … probably losing only to Trent Dilfer. Brees, with the help of his receiving core and ground threat LaDanion Tomlinson, has taken the worst team in the league to an actual threat on Sundays. Brees led the Chargers to dethrone the mighty Patriots, benching the epic Tom Brady … and still gets no love.

It’s LT’s town and even when Brees throws for 2TDs and 248 yards. Voted the Comeback Player of 2005, the Chargers' front office waited until the last week to tag Brees, yet they draft high Phillip Rivers and this week brought in AJ Feely. With his contract up again this year, Brees’ location remains uncertain. The Chargers are crazy for not loving him, and the Packers are crazy for not breathing down their necks to pick him up.

"This is all because Keyshawn Johson wrote the book “Give
Me the Damn Ball.” If you complain, you’re going to get the football.”

~ Boomer Eaison,

CBS NFL Today: Week 6

I did something dumb last night ...

I wanted to watch the late night CSI. It was scheduled to be on at 10:35, no big deal, I wouldn't have to make Monday morning an early one.

The time came and Walker was still on. So I waited until 11, then it was News and Chris Matthews ... CSI finally came on at midnight ... I was tired so I went to sleep. The damn show I stayed up for came on .. and i went to sleep--two hours of sleep i'll never get back that I'm feeling right now.

Gah. 16 minutes to exercise, write and adventure. I wanted to be in bed by 9. I guess all that stuff isn't gonna happen.

Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Stealth

Ponder.

We say we're honest, but are we? white lie here and there to save feelings. Smiling at a joke to be polite, keeping calm when something doesn't go right.

We say good for you and we're happy and proud because that's the right thing to say, but it's really tearing you up inside.

I sometimes wonder what people really think, though I know that would only cause trouble. I'm taken back to instances where if you really said what you felt ... we probably wouldn't have gotten along.

I'll offend you too, and I'm sorry. But the world is polite.

when you fire someone, you let them go because they're performance didn't meet expectations. Not you're lazy and stupid, now get out of my office, bitch!

Would that help?

What would happen if the small talk would be eliminated and we could say you're the person i've been looking for? Is that an illusion best kept in shadows to preserve safe relationships?

You say you can read me only because you know me ... but how can you read my emotions when i don't know what i'm feeling? And why does no one else care that they don't know me? And how shallow do they think I am if they do think they know me?

What if life had five second delay? Oops Janet's nipple, there it is ... *OFFENDED! OFFENDED!* What? NO, it didn't happen.

Tell a joke, no laugh, go back with your delay and you save face. You just shut the microphone off for awhile while Joe blow is swearing off camera.

Two wine glasses and a mountain dew can added to the collection. Where does the time go?

gddgf

If you mix chocolate liqour and coke and let it sit long enough, it will separate so that the chocolate-looking color is on top and the bottom is totally clear.

I feel sort of hazy right now. The day went by and I really didn't do anything special. Adventured in KoL, mowed lawn, cut peppers and of course, watched Angel. Something seems missing though.

Now I'm waiting for something good to come on TV, or debating putting in a DVD. So hard to choose what to watch though.

On the computer desk there is: one espresso cup, martini glass, margarita glass, wine glass and a pepsi can. No I'm not an alcoholic ... I'm just lazy. Alas.

For some reason, I'm missing California a lot right now. I wish I was amongst the golden hills helping vineyards harvest and make wine. ah ... wine.

My legs are achey, which could contribute to the restless feeling.

I hear a dog in my yard...but we don't have a dog

A couple different lines of thought for this one. Stick with my randomness and love me for it anyway.

Today was the Leadership Retreat -- leadership class that's pretty prestigous in the town and taken uber seriously. Note: I'm the youngest one there. 55 percent have children my age, 40 percent have children older than me and 5 percent are at or below five years older than me.

So breakfast through lunch I feel totally out of place when they laugh about their silly 22-year-olds doing silly young adult things while they have the worries and stress of buying homes and remodeling their home or being married or bailing out their silly 22-year-old. (For those who like math, here's one for you ... I was born in 1983)

Right after lunch we did the Meyers-Briggs. The people were rivited, excited and confused all in one bubbly ball. * YAWN * All of this stuff they were doing and laboring to understand was like Phil Clampitt 101. Been there, done that.

Then we went into problem solving--okay, I can go with this, *channels Phil* and I took charge of group of six composed of Mr. I've been married since 1983, Ms. I'm remodeling my house and three others who weren't the overwhelming sterotypes they yapped about for the early part of the day.

Our task was to take charge of relief effort in New Orleans. They start talking...oh the water, oh the sewage and death .... no vision. Bang! I put it in priorities, group the essentials, ask the so what and if it's feasible and ethical and most of Phil's other seven questions.

Time comes to present. I'm and INFJ--Read: Introvert. And what do I do? Go down our Plan of Action and explain implications to the group.

Results: Boring day, didn't have to work, but promising program--this should be the only part that I already had drilled in my head.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people drive me crazy with how self-absorbed they are. Now, I admit--I can be pretty clueless, selfish, absorbed and annoying. BUT I TRY NOT TO BE! I'm human--I let others do that here and there and when I catch myself doing the self-absorbed stuff I stop and try to refocus myself.

But others ... simply have no clue. It's all about them, always will be about them and how DARE you try to compare yourself to them because it's not the same and their situation trumps yours. Now, I preversly enjoy knocking the "I'm so great, i'm so great" people down a notch. It's the opposite that is harder to deal with--there's nothing you can say to them!

They don't believe you when you try to positively encourage them and you only fuel their fire when you agree with them.

My cousin Tim emailed me the other day. He got me thinking this. Tim is around 32ish and has been in the Army since he was 18. He has been stationed in Germany, Italy, was in the first gulf war, stationed in Atlanta (during the TJ days) now lives in Arizona, worked throughout the Middle East this Gulf war and slept in Sadam's palaces.

So with all of this, I never really knew Tim. But we bonded during the December '99 Tennessee Oiler game--Reggie White's last game as a Green Bay Packer. I HATE watching football with people. I don't do it. But I could watch it with Tim, we had fun. I think Tim said he never got to watch Packer football b/c of wherever he was stationed. So I started writing updates and summaries of the game for him. And he always appreciated it.

Anyways, I'm not U-RA-RA Army in any sense. I respect those who chose to do it as a career--but I am always suspicious of a military type before I get to know them (if nothing else b/c the most outspoken ones think they're better than the average citizen). Sorry, it's a flaw.

But Tim humbles me. I have so much respect for him, and I'm proud he's my cousin. He emails me to chat about the Packers, asks about me, and always gives a report about what he's doing. And he's usually doing something that will be in the history books and reports it to me with such honesty, graveness and insight. He puts life into perspective.

The Packers are 0-2. So what? People in New Orleans don't have a home and don't know where there future will lead them. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place right now. Well you know what? I have a home, a family and a job. Not everyone can say that.

I am grateful for what I have and all the blessings in my life.

But some people just don't get it.

I had a conversation with some one recently. They were going on and on about the pity that is them. I didn't feel like playing along after I read Tim's email.

Mike said he was sick of his routine--no one would notice if he disappeared.
I said I was cold.
Mike said he was emotionally cold and the world hated him.
I said my toes hurt.
Mike said that he was ugly and would never find a girl and was worthless.
I said I missed watching The Simpsons twice a day.
My life is hopeless, no friends, no woman, there's no point, no god--I wish I would just die.
I said I was hungry. ~ I went and got a snack ~
Mike said fine, he would rid everyone else of their suffering and just kill himself, he's just a void in this world and couldn't stand his ungrateful, uncaring, petty friends anyway.
And with that, he left.

I got back and shrugged. I couldn't say anything to Mike that I hadn't said before. I gave him every sign that I wasn't interested in the poor me act and he didn't get the hint to start a different conversation. Mike has never asked me how my day was or if I like my job. Mike never knows from the tone of my voice, look on my face or manner of my IMs when I'm upset. I could set myself on fire before him and I don't know if he would notice. If he did it would be to tell me I was lucky because I would die soon. I can count the number of "normal" conversations I've had with him on ONE HAND.

God. Get over yourself. We all get down we all lose touch with ourselves.

But it can be so much worse! I'm glad Tim helped me remember how lucky I am.

I'm also glad I have friends who can tell I'm in trouble or upset by the way I IM them. And even though we've been in the same zip code four times they'll have me call them and talk for hours about nothing just so I'm talking to someone and not crying.

We all have our faults. Recognize them and try to overcome them. Love the people who accept you even with them.

The Morning After ~ Mood: Monday Hangover

* Packer Commentary*

No, not literally, but that’s what it looked like the Packers were dealing with on the field Sunday. The team just didn’t look into it. As a Packer fan since ’95, I’m not used to a slow start—but I’m much more optimistic than most fans out there.

Yes, I want my favorite team to win, but the game in general is what brings me back…ah how I’ve evolved. Packer fans have gotten spoiled in the Favre Era. They forgot all the losing before him, or maybe fans are terrified the records of pre-Favre are making a comeback. With the league today good teams change as often as the wind does—a little off season work and a good eye on the waivers, a winning team can be created. Dynasties are fairy tales and dominance often comes from those with nothing else to lose.

With that said, the Packers need to find some way to light a fire under themselves. If they couldn’t do that the day they retired Reggie White’s number with his wife and kids there—I just don’t know.

We’re used to Favrian—miracles with the offense saving the day. It used to be that Brett was always bailing out the defense. This just simply isn’t the case anymore. Brett and the offense can’t afford to make mistakes, hoping the defense will give them a second chance to perform last minute heroics.

That goes for coaching too! Time management has been killing them game after game. They need to feel the urgency when they’re down with 10 minutes into the fourth quarter—not three. Before they would run down the clock so it would be just enough for Brett to score and let the other team try to be the hero.

That usually worked. They’re on to that my friends—and they also know the ball is up for grabs when Favre is coming from behind. Coaching must adjust to the fact that everyone knows the strengths and weaknesses of Favre—and the coaches haven’t adjusted.

I don’t know about the defense. I read today Packers are considered one of worse defenses in the league. I think that’s too harsh, but if being slapped in the face gets them motivated…slap away.

Don’t count them out yet—but don’t let it eat you too much if the loss comes again.

“Brian Bellick—I have a better chance winning the Kentucky Derby on a donkey than you do winning the Super Bowl with Kyle Boller as your starting quarterback,”
~ Shannon Sharpe of CBS NFL Today to Ravens Head Coach

The Morning After ~ Mood: Manic Monday

*Packer Commentary*

0-1 ... they say the Packers lost because of the O-line ...

Okay, so we lost two outstanding guards. It happens, it’s called Free Agency—you’ve been there before—get over it.

So boys and girls, don’t count the Packers out of the hunt because of the stale opener. No, they won’t achieve anything if they continue playing like that. However, defense improved from last year, special teams wasn’t stinking it up like they had previously.

And, despite what Sunday’s commentators say, Favre is surrounded by Pro Bowlers … who earned that right while playing with the Green Bay Packers. Commentators said there’s no one around Brett Favre, he doesn’t know his team anymore. My question: When did Brett Favre leave the Packers? How does he not know his offense? Lets take a look at the stats, shall we?

Pro Bowlers on the starting offense:
Ahman Green
William Henderson
Donald Driver
Bubba Franks


Stats on the guys who haven’t played in Honolulu:
Robert Ferguson: season ended last year after blow to the head—The Packers are 7-1 when Ferguson has a touchdown
Chad Clifton: the only player to play every snap from scrimmage for his position during 2003-2004
Kevin Berry: was part of the rotating guards when there were injuries, key blocker
David Martin, Najeh Davenport, Tony Fisher: all have gotten regular snaps, but have been limited with serious injuries—yet un-plagued this year and ready to roll.

Here’s what they need to cover when they head into meetings:

• Stop those Penalties! They were flagged 14 times for 100 yards. The offense was hit for five offenses, special teams once, and defense eight—four coming from Carroll.
• Get fired up beyond Favre—he’s great, everyone knows it—but the team needs more intensity beyond Brett, and it hasn’t been there since Reggie White left the team in 1999.
• Wide receivers need to complete their routes, complete their plays. You’re not giving enough unless you’re going until the whistle blows.
• Everyone needs to improve their conditioning.
• Tight ends need to step up: with a depleted receiving core, Bubba and the gang have to take more snaps, make the catch and follow through.
• Hit the Waivers and get some tried and true wide receivers—and get rid of Antonio Chatman. He drops the balls from Brett and hesitates too much on returns. People seem to forget the year the Packers won the Super Bowl they went with Andre Rison (mid-season pick up-waivers), Don Beebe (not a superstar by any means), Antonio Freeman (injured during most of the season)
  
  

  The allure of the season opener is that
  everyone is undefeated, everyone has a chance at the Super Bowl …

Thank goodness for Family Guy

Watching the Sunday early show, they showed the world sickened and appalled that the "greatest superpower" couldn't help its own citizens. We rushed to the tsuami vicitims, but will not do the same for our own.

During this week, I wondered where the other countries were. The slightest sneeze any where else, the USA is there. We give our dollars, our military and everything else they need. This is tsuami quality--where are they? But I saw on the news today, 50 countries have offered help. 50! They are standing by waiting for the government to give the go ahead.

We don't deserve the title of superpower, I don't want it. Of course, don't blame all of America. Blame the government! IF you can't get your act together to help these people--let everyone else waiting in the wings to step in and get the job done. There's a lot of rebuilding and recovery to do.

The world is laughing at us. And I laugh with them, only in a sick way...wondering where I should call my new home if things get any worse.

When Bush was re-elected, we said, it's okay...only four years--if we make it that far. And that truly is the case. No, Bush didn't cause the hurricane or the levies to fail. But he has the power to get every means available to New Orleans to help these people. But he didn't.

Also didn't visit the hardest hit area. But he visited his pet project, Iraq.

Yeah...Iraq...we're getting stuff done there too.

Yet, the country is outraged. About Gas. About Iraq. About Hurricane Katrina Aftermath.

Really, it should only be 49 percent of the country outraged. Us liberal democratic folks.

The rest of you elected this Urban Cowboy. You sent your sons and daughters there. You sent ours there as well.

You're shocked that you're paying $3+ for gas. You're also donating your dollars to the American Red Cross...only with the immediate on your mind--like when you elected your very own American Terrorist.

This is what you got. And it's only going to get worse, I'm afraid.

He is not capable of being a leader of the people--he has his agenda only on his mind .... and as William Rinquist passing away....he'll leave his ugly conservative mark on us for years to come.

Just remember, unless you're in the top one percent...he doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know you're there...unless of course, it was near voting time. Even then he did just enough to get by. AND YOU WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE HIM!

No wonder the world is laughing at you!

My only hope is we can recover from these four years of darkness.

To Push or Pull, that is the question

I'm having issues with doors. One would think, with such a simple device, there would be a standard. A couple of weeks ago I was dropping stuff off in this very corporate building. Glass and shiny it was very harsh and an unwelcoming environment. When I was ready to leave, I couldn't get out. I didn't know whether i was being dumb or if the Big Brother world had me. I didn't know if alarms or security would be notified if I kept pulling on the door. Finally, swallowing my pride, i picked up the lobby phone and dialed the receptionist...or whoever... number. It was a little bit of both, I entered/wanted to leave too close together, something with the door's latching system didn't turn off, plus it was a push not pull. I went back to this place this week. A woman who worked there came in from lunch...and couldn't get the door open. She was pushing it (we were on the outside) I was thinking...pull. She called the desk. They were doing a latch test (or whatever) and they were locked. Plus she was pushing instead of pulling.

So yeah. why can't anyone decide. Outside push, inside pull or visa versa. Come on people. Stop playing with viagra or rogaine. Figure out a door system! (Or cure cancer and the like)

Its an unfair assumption that anyone buying body jewerly likes skulls, goth and heavy metal. Nothing wrong with the people who do. But why can't a person buy tasteful body jewerly without giving their credit card number to a total unknown entity? And Why the hell would you put something pointy in a wound in your body? And the plugs in general creep me out.

I need to get my fantasy teams in order. I drafted them and then nothing. I need to pick up the lesser known players that'll pull in the stats. Unfortunately, with all of the Fantasy Draft programs on nowadays, more people know these lesser knowns--without doing the homework themselves :-/

mmm chocolate

I haven't blogged in such a long time, so I figured I would stop by even though I didn't have a consistant string of anything to say.

I had somewhat of a life tonight, I went to the Fall Staff picnic (or whatever it's officially called) at Andy's house, the Dean of the college I went to. Michelle invited me and I'm glad I went. It actually was a lot of fun. Now I only have a quasi-life because everyone there was probably 20 years older than me. But nonetheless these people are my friends and it was good just to be there to do something other than go home after work.

What else? I really need to dye my hair it again ... it's three different colors. My natural color, blond from the sun and the faded auburn.

I went to town with Goodwill yesterday. I bought an awesome wine glass--great for swirling, Napa Valley quality. A smurf glass...Kerry might have it, but I still think we should double check in case it's different from the other Baker Smurf she has. And today I bought some comfy suede pseudo-ballet flats that are sparkily to wear around work when I don't feel like actually wearing shoes.

My room gets so messy. I don't know what my problem is. Probably that I flop down after work and don't want to clean it until the weekend.


My knee hurts. Stupid Lymes Disease.

Llama. Guinness.

Shiny.

Sdo out.

Space Monkeys

*** Warning, Warning ... This is a positive post! ***

I was able to do something I've always enjoyed but really haven't had the opportunity to indulge in lately. I finished two books in two days. Ahh, the rush of a good book, how I missed thee. Slowly I enter the world I used to know: casual reading. No more taking notes, learning terms, worrying that each miniscule detail will haunt me later on a midterm or final.

But nonetheless...This isn't what this entry is about.

As I was mowing lawn, I took the opportunity to reflect on the uneasy feeling I have been immersed in. It came down to being disappointed that I had to settle into the "rest of my life" and I was frustrated because I wasn't where I wanted to be at this point. (then a light bulb clicked on saying that i didn't have to! 22! This isn't a stagnent part of my life)

Athletes, actors ... Famous people ... say they always knew they were destined for greatness. I never knew that, quite the opposite. I knew that if I was to have anything at all, I needed to work and fight for it. And it this point ... I lost the will to fight.

I don't know how it happened, I settled into a mindset that circumstances commanded this was all I got. I had no control.

I had no further goals, no ambitions. What was the point? This was it.

It was best materialized and visable when I was looking at magazines sadly--checking out the "managing your time," "asking for the raise," "health issues you should know." No fun stuff. Then I was watching kids at our golf event, they were so cute and having such simple fun. And I couldn't relate. I couldn't remember how to feel that way. That realization gave me such pangs. I never wanted to lose the childish spirit.

Mowing lawn, it came to me.

I lost focus--the problem wasn't that I was stuck and there weren't any goals or opportunities left for me. I was creating my own anguish. I was so worried about all of the stuff I didn't have and couldn't control. I questioned every decision I made and beat myself up for every wasted moment. I lost focus, I lost my path to greatness.

The dangerous part of the daily grind is that numbing lull in the path. It distracts you from yourself, hides your path even though you are steps away from it. It kept me unsettled. Distracted me so I couldn't find a routine that would give stability as I continued my journey.

My chest tightened. I can't recall many times before that I felt evil so close.

This is either lofty thinking or totally unoriginal. But it is real to me.

I read Fight Club yesterday--maybe that's why it clicked. Last year, I watched the movie with my mom. After declaring it was fucked up, I told her how much I could relate. She looked worried.

There are many truths there though.

You always here about near death experiences (near life in the book) and how it wakes people up from the droning hell of their life--but the point of a near LIFE experience is to shake the drone by actually living--a quaint concept, really.

Sometimes their realizations scare me with the statement of greatness and all...But when you're asked what you want to be when you grow up, its something larger than life ... And from grade school on it's just one big reality crashing disappointment.

But what it comes done to is being true to yourself, staying on the path, controlling your destiny. Not sitting back, internalizing the condeming lull, letting Tyler Durden take control. I was letting my internal Tyler tell me I was a space monkey, shot out to do the bidding of the Gods who didn't care about my safe return.

I am NOT a space monkey! And I kicked my Tyler out, I'm sure he found a nice comfy corner in the back of my mind to settle in for a day when i'm feeling low. But he's not going to be popping up making soap right now.


...

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."


"We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact."


"We don't have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit. We have a revolution against culture. The great depression is our lives. We have a spiritual depression."

...

all from mowing the lawn.

Travis Jervey Quest Continues ...

I got this email today ...

Hi Stacey... somehow i ran across your article online about the search for your very own Travis Jervey jersey.. i was just wondering, since it has been a few years, did you ever get your own jersey?

Obviously by my screen name (it was a combination of jrvy 32) you can tell i am a fan also!

Thanks, Sara W

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of the obsession, or need a refresher ... here's the article I wrote that she's referring to:

As printed in "Insight," December 2002
Blurring the Edges: Questing for a Travis Jervey

As the holiday season approaches, instead of visions of sugarplums dancing through my head, I have visions of Travis Jervey jerseys.

I have been on a quest for a Travis Jervey jersey since 1998. Travis Jervey, affectionately known as T.J., was a back-up running back and special teams star for the Green Bay Packers. I was first acquainted with T.J. in 1998 preseason, during “The American Bowl” in Japan. Since it was played on the other side of the world, this game started at 11 p.m. The first-string players were done playing by 11:30 and I needed to find a way to stay awake.

T.J. caught my eye, and so the obsession begins. My story of obsession is a long, sad one that only seems to intensify with time. Friends first meeting me know initially about T.J., but do not fully realize the immense depth of my passion. Even I sometimes question this passion. There are plenty of players who are now superstars I probably should have picked that night. I am attracted to the obscure as a way to be unique. I just hope once I get the T.J. jersey I am equally enthusiastic as I am now.

Into the 1998 season, Dorsey Levens broke his ankle and eventually T.J. got the starting role. T.J. getting more playing time and recognition thrilled me. He got his first NFL touchdown Nov. 1, 1998. I still remember the details of the afternoon. Before the ink on the Travis Jervey trading cards could dry, he broke his ankle the next week against the Pittsburgh Steelers. I remember the details of that day all too clearly.

I suppose Santa did not bring me my T.J. jersey that year because he thought football or T.J. might be a passing phase. He did not want the elves to labor away on such an extravagant gift if it was not going to be appreciated.

Too bad Santa was not clairvoyant. T.J. signed with the San Francisco 49ers Mar. 22, 1999, and four years later, I am still obsessed with him and crave the jersey even though T.J. has traveled about the NFL and now rests with the Atlanta Falcons. The quest for a T.J. jersey has such a hold over me that a little part of me has begun to dread the holidays and birthdays. It started with clothes boxes, giving me hope that it might hold the jersey. Maybe this will be it, I think. Everything rational in me is saying it is not my T.J. jersey, but I cannot help but hope. It is always in the back of my mind.

As time passes I see the likelihood of getting my jersey fade. Now I am even hopeful for boxes other than those meant clothes. I rationalize that Mom put it in an odd box to throw me off track. I realized I had a problem when I was seriously considering how she could have folded the jersey to fit in a ring box.

My mom has been sneaky lately, plotting with people she does not usually plot with. My heart leaps, but my mind pulls me back, as to not get my hopes up. Will this be my year? Will my quest for the elusive Travis Jervey jersey be fulfilled?

Thought of the Moment: “Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.” ~ Robert J. Sawyer

Pictures: The Man. And the Jersey. :-)

KoL Dream

You have an incredibly vivid dream in which you're a butterfly, flitting about in the breeze. When you wake up, you aren't quite sure whether you're an adventurer that dreamt of being a butterfly, or a butterfly that's dreaming of being an adventurer.
You do feel an overwhelming urge to pollinate something, though.

Sideways Under the Tuscan Sun

Taking a page out of Apryll's book--I know I will never have the flair, vocabulary or style of Miss Apryll's brilliant reviews, but here are my thoughts on a couple of movies I have recently seen.

"Under the Tuscan Sun" would have worked better as a novel than a movie. This makes me nervous because it was very loosely adapted from a novel of the same name ... and until I read the book, I am assuming the villa is the only character that is remotely similar.

The first scene was a very poor set up, a student's book release? It had me wondering how that guy fit in the story ... and why he was so attached to her. The way she found out about her husband could be some form of poetic justice, but really was just awkward.

Talk about awkward ... what is with falling on the floor during the first scene at divorce hotel? I mean, come on, who does that? She just dropped, no warning, no effort to lessen the impact. Yeah right.

Still in the early stages of the movie, she is ambling very poetically about town during the tour. She sits and scribes a postcard for a fellow travel-mate. It is very beautiful, and what one hopes to experience engulfed in the romanticism of Italy. But reading the finished product, the postcard's owner scoffs "even tastes like purple" as a bunch of fluffy crap. This moment is a huge scene killer. They so carefully brought us into the feeling of this place, making the atmosphere a complex character but then completely broke the trance. What I would have pointed out to him is he was complaining about writing the postcard, she did you a favor, send the damn thing anyways.

Throughout the film, the character Frances was developing in all the wrong ways, which, I suppose, mirrors life. She was starting new in so many ways: moves to another country, she doesn't speak the native language, buys a rundown house, has no friends in the same time zone. But it always comes back to the same thing ... she is recently divorced. This is the only thing she is fighting for. Man after random man, she is seeking someone to fill a void. I guess the journey of her tale shows there are other more important voids she needs to seek, and after she completes these aspects of her being, life falls into place. I guess I just expect more from her, and this mind set disappoints me.

Another disappointing moment was the time lapse when they kissed on the beach. Geeze.

There were some points of the movie I felt could have gone another way. I would never want Pawel to die, but during the flag throwing ceremony (celebration?) after the flag plummets and comes crashing down directly on his head, he pops up with only a bump. Talk about anticlimactic. If he would have died, it would have given me something to feel instead of rolling my eyes. Of course, then that would have negated the ending (wedding in the yard) and moments of truth (claiming him as her family) along the way. *Sighs* Okay.

How about the matter of the crazy blond woman? I was convinced she was a figment of Frances's imagination until the fountain scene. But there's a twist! This carefree, oblivious woman seemed like everything Frances yearned to be. It would have worked if she was only real in the mind of Frances. She inspired Frances ... big things happened after their encounters. A brilliant move would have been to have the audience think she was real, but then reveal at the fountain that she was Frances's surpressed side. Her moment of clarity could be as Martini pulls her out of the fountain. And we see that it is Frances wet and broken and not the blond. ... but that might lead people to think that she was crazy ...

There were some good, even beautiful, moments in the movie. I enjoyed when the line she gave when the baby was born...giving the baby to the light, but since I can't remember the quote it sounds like the making of a horror story.

When the house was completed and the Polish workers unveiled the wall it was a very artistic moment. It was touching, and the movie clicked. The wedding was a good way to end the movie as well, but not because of young love. Frances was shown that her dreams came true, just not the way she intended. And then, when all the pieces had fallen into their rightful place, exhausted from trying to make life happen, she laid down, and there was the ladybug ... and someone to share her life with.

Oddly enough, I enjoyed the movie more when I watched the commentary--because I didn't have to hear the cheesy lines, but enjoy the essence of the movie, the Italian scenery.

Another wine indulgence -- movie -- that had my taste buds salivating was "Sideways." During our wine tour in Napa and Sonoma Valley, every winery mentioned it. It was marketed as an embodiment of their lives. I was looking forward to the California scenery and wine insight, taking me back to that perfect day, but all I got was a week-long bachelor party with two people attending. I was horribly disappointed. I guess I built it up too much in my head. Compared to this movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun" was brilliant.

The "Sideways" commentary was no better. They were pretencious, using big words and then commenting on their brilliant vocabulary. There was a lapse of insight here and there, but soon marred by ogling women.

My frolicking through the wine world of California ... From Top (Left to Right) Wine Tour: Statue at Viansa (Sonoma Valley), a great way to start the day. Viansa barrels. The other side of ViansaNew sprouts on the Viansa vines. Lamar, the Canadian wine expert at Kirkland Ranch (Napa Valley). View of the Valley from Kirkland's terrace. If you look closeyly you can see the cars lined up to go home. It's a two hour drive in the morning and night to commute. It's too expensive to live there, so they make the daily trek that in low traffic times takes 45 minutes at the most.

Why KoL makes me smile

As you enter Whitey's Grove, you encounter something very disturbing. A group of people is sitting around a table laden with wine. Instead of drinking the wine, however, they repeatedly take sips and then spit them into a bucket. Between sips, they use words that are too pretentious for you to understand, and laugh smugly.
Enraged by this waste of perfectly good alcohol, you spring into action. Which is to say that you hit the people until they leave, and then take the remaining wine.

--------
You dream you're running through the basement of Cobb's Knob. You enter the boiler room and get jumped by some freaky dude in a striped sweater and jaunty f3d0r4. He's wearing a glove with five razor-sharp pasta spoons strapped to it! He slashes at you and you wake up screaming... but it was only a dream. Or ... was it?

So Now What?

I am in the "So now what" stage. At least, that is what I've deemed it.

It is no longer a meantime, if for no other reason, but simply because I cannot identify what I am between.

For years ... since eighth grade if you want to nail down a particular point in time, I have been pursuing this goal. Therefore, I've always sort of had a "built in" goal.

Middle school, high school: my goal was to get good grades, graduate high in the class, get scholarships, go to college.

College (year 1-2): get good grades, make an impact on campus, transfer

College (year 3-4): get good grades, make the transfer student recognized on campus, graduate with high honors

From that point, my goal was to get a job in the field of communications...one that I would make an impact in the community and have opportunity to work my way up the ladder.

Well...so I did it. Graduated from high school, loved the 2-year college, made a splash as a transfer student, fought for my high honors and graduated with a Bachelors degree. Then I got a job as a public relations coordinator (even thought that's not the title, but Colleen told us it wouldn't be the title). I am in an influential company in the community--an organization all around the country if I wanted to stay there and move around within the system (which I don't think I do). I'm attending all of the important meetings and the founding member of a young professionals service club.

So, now what? I don't have any goals! I don't know what to make a goal...besides learning my job. And I know everyone has gone through this, but the problem is, no one has told me how they did.

I'm not the type of person to sit back and wait out the storm. I like taking action. I like learning the patterns and applying them to my situation. I follow in the footsteps of those who have gone before me. I need an instruction manual. That's what I'm looking for. I have found my answers in books, so give me that. And don't tell me it doesn't exist. If everyone has gone through this before me, then someone should have been smart enough to write it down. Why are they making us figure it out for ourselves for the first time all over again? You wouldn't let your child touch fire if they didn't know it was dangerous. You don't let them drink poison just so they will learn that it's deadly for themselves. So why are you making us suffer in this instance?

Tangent. :-p

But anyways, So ... now what?

I'm never going outside again.

Yesterday I was accident prone. Well, they weren't really accidents, more like, forces of nature.

It started out fine. We were spreading pellets in the pond to take away the green stuff. Then just wandering around back there. It's so beautiful--my own magical place.

Well, the magic was flowing ... or something, because I saw this huge frog, it caught my eye not the hugeness of him, but the tealness of his head. Yes. A frog. With a teal head. Seriously.


So, I caught him to gawk. Unfortunately, I think he cast his evil mojo voodoo on me.

We were looking at my mint, and mom asked me to pull a weed by her flowers. OUCH! Fire weed.

The plant bit me. STACEY--O EVIL NATURE--1

Next, in the back garden spraying the weeds, walking through posion, almost done, and DAMMIT! Thistle?

No, bee sting. STACEY--O EVIL NATURE--2

Okay, I can't take much more of this. I'll walk down to the pond, don't remember why, but I'll be careful.

Watching my step, la la la, look up. YOWEE!

Thistle~! (what are the chances of that?)

STACEY--0 EVIL NATURE--3

Clean sweep. I give up.

Top left: Here's a piece of nature, that wasn't evil to me.
This ws a plant on Alcatraz Island. The funny thing
is, we have this plant by our pond. This was as big
as my head. Ours is as big as my foot.

Road Rage, KoL

I have been experiencing quite a bit of road rage lately. Maybe it's because I drive 37 miles everyday.

Maybe it's because I have to take six roads to work instead of three. Because it does, of course, make sense to rip up all the main roads to and from the closest town.

Or MAYBE it's because the people driving on these detours are driving 45! Come ON people! Speed limit...at least reach it. Then I won't be as pissed when I need to pass you.

In town, it's just as bad. The left and right lanes are driving the same speed...about five miles under the speed limit. I respect people who drive the speed limit...hell, I sometimes do it myself. But if you're going to partake in such activities, let the less patient people wander on at their own pace. Stop being so controlling you evil crawling bastards.

Today, I celebrate my one month anniversary at work. No one notices.

I adventure deeper and deeper in the kingdom of loathing. Totally hooked. Thanx Tim ;-)

Stay on the melon truck and keep driving!

Remember when I told you about Corporate Communications? This was the class with the Crisis Case (i.e. high stress, real-time work) we rocked the presentation and got a 98 on the paper. For the previous case we had one more group member. He was a nontraditional student that asked Kerry to be in our group. Now, we had reservations, not because he was a nontrad, but that he didn't seem to catch on as quick as others. Well, he never caught on...he sent us tons of emails with random information, never took the information to knowledge we could use, made an incomplete powerpoint that we needed to redo the day before and never sent me his sources or writen part of the paper (not to mention that the day of the presentation he didn't run the powerpoint right).

Anyway, with the stressful second case, we asked him to leave the group. It was hard and we felt bad. Our professor understood. He responded with a couple of emails the first two weeks after saying we were petty and a bunch of little girls playing high school games. Then he left us alone. Unfortunately, he had some residual anger, and took it out on Kerry ... below is the email he just sent to her (poor kerry).

It's amusing in a bizarre sort of way. Thought you would be interested/astonished, etc.

Sdo



This message is from Mark. This message is late, but youare going to get it any way. Normally, I'm a pretty good judge ofcharacter, but I was quite wrong about you. The reason I asked to workwith you in that corporate communications course was because I thoughtthat you had a kind heart and enjoyed working with new people. Youturned out to be quite the opposite. I respect people who have intelligence and work hard, as you do,but have a higher respect for people who treat one another withdignity. That is a category that you fall short in.

My wife has moreeducation that you will ever live to have and enjoys being aphysician. I didn't marry her because she draws a good income orbecause she is so intelligent. I'm with her because she is a kind,loving woman who has passion for the people she deals with. I'm old enough to be your father, and have a lot more experience inliving than you do. You need to realize that you shouldn't shut thedoor on people so quickly. I worked with another group of people inanother course on campus, and enjoyed that experience because wetalked to one another if we weren't on the same page. However, theywere in their 30's and had a higher maturity level than you and yourgroup members do. Someday you'll realize how wrong you were in makinga decision like the one you made last spring.

I didn't leave your group because you felt that I wasn't holdingup my end. I left because I felt that I shouldn't have to prove myselfto a bunch of kids. I didn't fall off the melon truck, and have plentyof "street smarts". You don't know the true meaning of the word"RESPECT" yet, and you may never will unless you change your attitude.I don't want to hurt your feelings and want you to succeed, but thinkthat it may help it you integrated more humility in your dailythinking routine. ----Mark

Today, the Llamas Returned

The llama tale began four years ago. A simple word. Random animal. Inside joke with the nice side effect of driving me crazy. Soon, however, I was hooked, and somehow, I was able to snare multiple others.

Last year, llama farms seemed to pop all over in the area. Two within five miles of where I live.

Random people would tell me that they drove past llama farms all the time.

Why all of a sudden are there llamas in Wisconsin?

Oh well. Not complaining.

But "my" llamas (the ones that live right down the road from me) went away for the winter.

I don't know where they went, but once it snowed, the llamas went bye bye.

So we figured the llamas would come back once it got warm. We first noticed them last year around April. April came this year and no llamas. May, no llamas. By now I was threatening to hurt the people if they harmed those wonderful, graceful, majestic llamas.

But, the llamas finally returned.

So I'm happy.

In the meantime...

I totally pysched myself out for the real world. I couldn't sleep the night before. The whole day at the office I had a headache and felt like I was going to throw up.

Today, at Day 3, I am still keenly aware of all the stuff I don't know. But I feel some relief, and look forward to the day when it will all be familiar.

I just need to keep turning to my sources of constant support, and have them remind me why I'm at this point in the first place.

It will improve...but in the meantime it's awefully scarey.

Just like meantimes usually are.

Tomorrow I start work.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified for tomorrow, the next day, two years from now ... it's the real world. Bills, insurance, total and utter responsibility for myself. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm already worried how I can provide for a family, help my children go through college.

Today, I graduated.

Bleh.

It's my last full day in this fake life we have been living in before we hit the real world.

I don't want to go there! The real world citizens offer me no comfort or consolidation...they are too far removed from the comforts of the imaginary place they were ripped from.

WHAT AM I SAYING?! This imaginary world was so harsh at times....the projects, the homework, juggling the responsibilites of homework, school, friends, family, work ... everyone expecting 100 % at all times.

But that's easily forgotten when you're facing 40 hour weeks for the rest of your life. I'll miss my four day week. Sleeping in every other day. Being done by noon.

Aren't you excited? Um...no.

Why not? Tell me why it's exciting?

You've worked for this for four years. --exactly, now my life isn't measured in incraments anymore. It's just one long span of time. Set on repeat. And i can't find the damn remote. I go to change it but the button is jammed. This was my destiny?

Why did I work for four years for this? That was just delaying it. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? How come alcoholics and murders get guidance and help but i'm left to suffer--stumbling around, trying to find the right path and then not fall off it?

BLEH.

Marilyn Manson, Sept. 11, 2001

"Our Cycle of Destruction" ~ ??

Our parents have shown us disfunction by angry words and constant battle, but as daylight fades the love seemingly returns. It is not love truly, but lust, so-called "animal instinct."

It's no wonder marriages don't last. Love, trust, understanding are not components invested as well as they should be.

We are the youth of the nation, dealing with violence, low self-esteem and other hazards of life, but does anyone care?

Now, as the teens of the 80s are turning 30, they are a whole new breed then those before them. Their paths are littered with broken relationships and failed marriages, hoping this next fling and the newest ring on their finger will mean they are a better, more complete person. They have children, at least two or three, and not by the same father.

So the cycle of destruction begins again ...


Notes:
--Attack on abortion (not prevention)
--Fear against educating about sex (no condoms or birth control knowledge)
--U.S. conservatives don't understand
--The rest of the U.S. isn't listening
--Ignorance
--No middle ground ... It's either too taboo or untouchable or in your face 24/7

In the wee hours in the morning, on a cocktail napkin

"Society Fallen" ~2001

Sex. In today's society it is every where you turn. We are bombarded by it every day in almost every way possible. It is used to sell anything and everything: shampoo to rice (Uncle Ben's rice bowls).

It has invaded every form of media.

Magazines with ad after ad of low rider jeans on beautiful bodies in sensual situations between articles using sexified advice to improve your career looks and love life.

Music with Britney Spears, devote in religion and a self-glorified virgin. Here is the role model for today's children: stripping off what little she was already wearing, dancing procatively and proclaiming "I'm not that innocent."

An Evening with the Girls

"Handwriting" ~ Somewhere in 2001-2002

One night, when we were baby-sitting Hailey and Erika, Mom was doing her very best (and everything she could think of) to keep Courtney quiet and happy. The girls and I had to find a quiet activity to keep ourselves amused. Somehow we ended up sitting in front of the refriderator where two dry erase boards were hanging.

Erika took the pen and began demonstrating her skills of penmanship.

Penmanship, handwriting and then cursive were always my foes in grade school. Their demonic grading scale ranged from H: the best, S+: very good, S: satsifactory, S-: just barely satisfactory. The loewst mark was P or U or somesuch thing as that. I don't remember what, but I know I received at least one for a quick assignment finished moments before it was handed in.

Random writing

When I get an idea for something I want to write about, i sketch it out, outline it or simply purge myself of the words within. Then I save it.

However, life gets in the way. Sometimes the words never become anything more ... just jottings on random pieces of paper or napkins, tucked away in my binder. But now they will again see the light of day ... or at least the waves of this blog.

"Organized Piles" ~ Oct. 2004

The biggest thing I have realized about myself since the move to Green Bay is that I am a stacker, that is, I make piles. I knew this at home in Stratford, but it is so evident I canot help to be amazed. It all began as we started packing. Boxes were stacked in the Barbie Doll room. Boxes and even random objects, one on top of annother, growing higher as each day passed.

For my first four days in Green Bay I lived amongst the piles that somehow followed me. Now, I have all the boxes gone, but the piles are still there. Under my desk, one side school folders the other supplies, books and pens. Under the sink in my bathroom, there's a container, but on top of that I have make up, toothpaste and the list goes on.

My shoes are stacked, I have my jeans in piles. My food is stacked in the pantry.

I guess the organized, if they are truly fitting of that title, stacks are okay. It's the random stacks that chip away at my sanity. For if they exist for too long they seem to take over my life. They're like feeding a Gremlin after midnight, they multiply and before I know it, I feel tiny and insignificant amongst the piles I created.

This Day in History

1452: Leonardo da Vinci was born.
1850: The city of San Francisco was incorporated.
1912: The passenger liner S.S. Titanic sank.

Waiting along the path

The various paths life takes continuously has me in awe.

When I was eight, I had no real clue what I wanted to do when I grew up (ha! I still don't)

I knew I could write well and had some visual creativity/aptitude.

Sophomore year, when they asked us to write a paper of what we wanted to do after high school graduation I wrote I would go to the local UW (I got that one right!), UW-Eau Claire and graduate with a degree in journalism.

By senior year I knew MSF, I didn't know my four year, and I was absolutely confident that I would find some form of journalism to please me (I didn't like print, no place to make money other than big cities).

September 11, 2001, I no longer wanted to be a journalist. Public Relations.

Sophomore year in college, PR ... maybe something with sports ... Definitely decided to finish my undergrad studies at UW-Green Bay.

Junior year ... PR, don't want to do broadcast...fun as hell, but way too stressful. It's the journalist's life x7 on the hellish scale. Still think sports-related pr would be fun--but realize it's competitive and need to find a unique angle for it.

Senior year ... PR, corporate communications (to most they are the same thing, others think they aren't needed at all). Winter 2004 rolls around and I'm prodded into Higher Education Administration (maybe all those career tests were right, they all said I would be a good counselor...or priest...but i doubt grandma wants to hear about Pro-Choice, Anti-Death Penalty, why we need to embrace people like Marilyn Manson and why religion should stay out of politics and public policy).

So here I am ... around one month and seven days from ending my undergraduate career. The first person in either family to graduate from college (and remember my mom has 13 siblings).

What do I want?
Who do I want to be when I grow up?

Answer A: a llama. -- No?
Answer B: how the hell am I supposed to know? You never gave me those tools! You said here, study, get good grades. We all assumed it would lead to a job. What's all this shit with applying to things that are vaguely related to what we studied? The rejection letters. No letters at all.

Then, the job you never expected...never dreamed you wanted....opening up...and a desire, a passion woken in you...You want that job. You see yourself in that job. The wait for that job is torturous. The doubts are still there...and the anxiety of applying for other jobs. What if I get offered this one before the other one comes about? I can't turn it down, because what if I don't get my Option A? But can I accept it and wait for word on the other one?

All new territory. Pretty frightening stuff for a J...Especially a J that avoids things that she doesn't want to face. However, the J has been preparing, working with an employer to find out why she made a good employee, what to improve, how to interview, etc.

Read my Sophomore year paper. I never dreamed I would be at this point.

How am I supposed to answer the five year question? I have ambition, yes. But I honestly have no idea where my path will lead me next. The only thing I know is I trust in myself and that there's a greater plan that will guide me along the way.

(maybe I could do the priestess gig after all)

The Human Peep Show that is our Lives

People are evil. The world is a bad place.

Last night on CSI a woman used her husband's best friend (with his wife's consent) to get pregnant. The husband found out, was upset and killed his best friend, and the best friend's wife. This resulted in the drowning death of their young daughter. His wife found out about the deaths of the family and ran away. On the same night, she was raped and attempted suicide by pouring alcohol over her head and setting herself on fire. This act started a forest fire. However, she was left alive, trapped in her badly burned body. The doctors had to cut off her fingers in order to prevent the spread of infection. The ending? She is pregnant and her husband is going to jail.

Tonight on Joan of Arcadia we find out Adam, a brooding puppy dog artist, is cheating on Joan. They are the typical high school couple who were friends for years and found each other after struggling through the controversey life has thrown at them. Their friendship has developed into a deep bond, but along the line, primal nature kicked in and Adam had sex with a random girl. She was justa a random chick, an easy lay. He threw away love ... for animal nature.

My first thought was the media. Looking for the easy shock, the most drama to get the viewers. Frankly, on a matter of simple business, you give the consumers what they want. And society wants the high rollers, the gross out stunts, the beautiful people and the heartbreak of human nature. Who can blame the media for listening to their audience?

My next instinct simply was: the world has gone wrong, in a mighty bad way. Well then, put in me in a box and sprinkle me with depressed dust to suck the hope from my soul.

So the next part should be a rationalization. It's like this because ... or it's this way but ...

Not this time. Not tonight.

That's life. When "this too shall pass" will again eventually lead to another time of darkness.

Damn. How does it work when the gift of free will is the ultimate downfall of society?

It's awesome

http://www.llamas.org/pet.html -- this rocks so much





(I'm enjoying Family Guy too! Yay for dvds and the Easter Bunny)

We were...

I watched "We Were Soliders" tonight.

Men and women are dying again.
And the American terrorist who put them there still has free reign.


Lt. Colonel Nguyen: Those who are about to fight and die, I am grateful.

No longer a worry

I'm not wasting my life anymore.

Fuck off.

mmm...breakfast at 3:34

I ate my first meal...cold leftover spaghetti...at 3:34 p.m. today.

It wasn't because I had a leisurely day and slept late.

Or because I wasn't hungry.

I woke up at nine after staying up until 12:30 to work on the paper. I made coffee and breakfast and went back to work on the paper. Then I had to leave for a group meeting. I grabbed my coffee and put the hot cereal I made on the back burner of the stove. I did grab some toast though.

We came back from the group meeting at 11:30 and I worked until 1:34 on the paper before I left for work. (and my desk broke, so I have to fix that tonight). I was five minutes late for work, and first got the opportunity to eat.

But I'm making steak tonight and kerry's sharing her twice baked potatoes.

But by 5 p.m. the paper will be bound and I will no longer have to worry about it.

Whoo.

I wanted you to know I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well.

I was looking up existential this morning and the first thing I saw when I opened the book was a picture of a guillotine. I love my dictionary. :-D

----

It's one thing to threaten to lick people/things. It's another thing entirely when you physically have to restrain yourself because you realize that's not an acceptable practice in society.

----

I'm revisitng my enjoyment of John Mayer and Jason Mraz. I'm really feeling the mellow groove right now.

San Francisco Fun

Here's a quick list of what we did...more stories and details will come later--after I finish the Cases paper.


Friday, March 11
Culture shock
Walk down Market Street
Trek up Haight Street
Wander around the Vistors Center
Seek refuge in the library (Harry Potter in every language!)
Ate supper at Palestine Burger place: Garden burger (or some such yummy thing)
*Warmest day of the year*

Saturday, March 12
Asian Art Museum
Ghiradelli Square
Fisherman's Wharf
Ate at Ghiradelli Square: Warm cookie sundae
*Sunny*

Sunday, March 13
Walked to Buena Vista park
Golden Gate park
Haight-Ashbury shops and sights
St. Patrick's Day parade on Market Street (beads from hot fire fighter)
Museum of Modern Art
Ate at Minnie's BBQ: Texas Ribeye Sandwhich with sweet potato fries
*Sunny*

Monday, March 14
Tour of Alcatraz
Fisherman's Wharf: Pier 39 and Pier 41
Ate at Pier 39 restaurant: Clam Chowder in sourdough bowl
*Sunny and breazy*

Tuesday, March 15
Legion of Honor
Lunch at the beach
Frolicking in the Pacific Ocean
Drove past Golden Gate Bridge
Palace of the Fine Arts
Exploritorium
Ate at Estella's Sandwhiches: Ham, bean sprouts, avocado spread, lettuce, tomato, etc on wheat with fresh carrot juice
*Sunny and warm*

Wednesday, March 16
Wine Country Tour
--Viansa
--Madonna
--Kirkland Ranch (Lamar *drools*)
drove over the Golden Gate Bridge and through Berkley
Ate at Lori's Dinner in Ghiradelli Square: Burger with sauteed mushrooms with jack cheese
*Sunny, high of 73*

Thursday, March 17 ~St. Patrick's Day~
Bay Cruise
Pretzal at the Wharf
Chinatown
North Beach
Saw Lomard, the Crookedest Street
Rode the Cable Car
Ate in North Beach at an Italian restaurant: Penne with grilled mozz cheese, roasted eggplant and portobello mushrooms
Guinness at an Irish Pub on Haight Street
*Warm, but overcast*

Friday, March 18
Aquarium
Pier 39 and 41
Ghiradelli Square
Rode the BART
Ate at Fudge House: Caramel/Chocolate Apple
Seafood Stand on the Wharf: Crab and Shrimp cocktail
Ghiradelli Square: A Very Berry Sundae
*Rainy, but comfortable*

Slept at the airport (if you take the word sleep lightly)

Left at 7:20 Saturday morning, plane was delayed 50 minutes due to flight crew rest period
Got into Minneappolis (saw snow) at a little before one
Left at 3:30 for Milwaukee
Got into Milwaukee at 5:30ish
Kerry's aunt picked us up and made us supper
Returned to Green Bay at 9:30

It was awesome!

More details to come!

So close...

One more day until San Francisco!


No stress, no job search, no school.

Brilliant.

It makes me question...

If you cannot:

• Put together a PowerPoint
• Create bullet points from written information
• Follow directions (written or verbal)
• Write sections for a paper based on your own notes
• Articulate your own concerns
• Understand the concerns/points of others

This leads me to wonder

Why,

WHY?!

Why choose the field of communication? Where do you possiblily see your future?

#>Stressed<#

I swear, the chair is different

It never fails. Whenever there's something I have to do, or if I have a ton of work...there's always something waiting for me when I get here. And then, when I'm open there's nothing and I'm bored. I sit. And get distracted.

Ahh, mail merge. How I loathe thee.

I saw Bjorn yesterday. He came into the Advising Office and was using the computer. He was lamenting with his friend about a Spanish test. He asked the girl sitting next to him how to say a phrase. She answered his question and said if he needed more help, he could always go to the International Center. She asked his name and he said Bjorn. Now, at this point my ears perked up...how many bjorns are there? (at UWGB, 4) I knew he transfered from UWGB to the local campus when I was there, but haven't seen him since I left. Sure enough it was him. I wonder if he's still playing the sax for some sort of band. He was amazing.

Okay, done with the folding/stuffing. Now to work some on the paper and powerpoint (ick).

Job Search Rant

Researching the internship/job fair employers

Why the hell am I a communication major? When apparently there's a shit-ton of jobs in financial services (the only thing that interests me about AFLAC is the ducky).

How am I supposed to find a job that's not in sales?

Rar.

But hey, the ruby red hippo made me smile

....but now it's kinda creeping me out.

Do I looked pained? Well maybe that's because I've gone to 33 company web sites and found one (yes one out of 33--leaving 32 companies that can bite me) company looking for communications...and not selling their damn products or dealing with bitchy customers! (sales/marketing; customer service)

FYI: don't list communication in the description if all you're looking for is someone who can type, write in complete sentences and speak without drooling over yourself

5 companies out of 60 something. Maybe three that look interesting

What's up with that?

I feel generally grumpy right now. I came into work today and the mood vaguely shifted. A series of small things that are ambiguous...but make me question status nonetheless.

Then I had a feeling of people being pompous. The college-educated (or in the process of) trying to flex the knowledge they just acquired. Where's the knowledge in collecting pieces of work and copy/pasting? Where's the art in that? Nothing else...maybe copying passages and then commenting on the impact it had on you...but to display a whole poem and nothing else? I've felt this pompous attitude more lately. Maybe because communication students I am usually around have a different kind of work that tasks our minds and tests our stress levels--different from other majors. We probably have a little bit of pompousness with our Meyers-Briggs and audience analysis. (INFJ--but when the situation calls for it I can be an E).

I dunno.

The weekend was pleasant. Saturday I didn't feel good, but Friday and Sunday I got quite a bit of work done. The Academy Awards was disappointing...Probably because I really didn't have a vested interest like last year's 11-award lotr sweep. But I missed the opening monologue because we were watching "Chicago."

I didn't enjoy it the first time Jenny and I watched it...I don't know what I was expecting...but I wasn't quite expecting all the glitz and glamour to be all daydreaming. Now, after stripping to the music, and knowing the words to many of the songs...it's much more enjoyable...the colors and details (especially the marionette number)...would be exciting to see in the theatre.

Spring Break is sneaking up on us...and i'm looking forward to it. But it also means the time is blazing by. Oof!

Two hour Fear Factor tonight....whoohoo dose of Joe Rogan! I should watch some Family Guy tonight since I didn't get my weekly dose last night. Mmmm Simpsons tonight too.

The night should cheer me up.

But then it's back to worrying if my car will start tomorrow morning. Since I gave it the llama it's been good, but who knows if that will last :-/

Productive

I didn't feel well today, so I didn't get as much as I wanted to done. AND! And I got bleach on the sleeve of my zippy comfy swim cover up sweatshirt thing. I'm gonna have to get navy blue dye to fix it. I love those shirts...can wear anything with them.

How about Mr. Moss making his way to the Raiders? Should be interesting to see if there is really a team beyond Randy or if they'll pull their usual stunts.

Well, bed early. So I can be productive tomorrow.

Goat Ranchers?

Ladies and Gentlemen...Llamas, Duckies and Baby Goats everywhere.... We have plane tickets to SAN FRANCISCO! Yay for Spring Break! (St Patrick's Day Parade, Paddy's Day in the city, Napa and Sonoma Valley, wine, sunshine, sandals...meow!)

Another recent note of excitement...Alpacas made it to David Letterman opening monologue joke! Whoo!

I saw on the news tonight that ranchers in Texas are raising goats....to eat. (Eep!) Goats? What would possess a person to try? My wonderful llama friends haven't been seen since winter came, and still weren't out when it was warmer...which worries me. I swear, my neighbors better not have harmed those llamas...

We're going shopping tomorrow to check out the sale on exercise equipment, lighter coats for the trip and a stop to select a bottle of wine or two ;-) (or three!) We got some handles for pilates, and now we need the resistance cords, here's hoping we find them. I bought some pilates books on the Internet to go with the random literature we already had. Both mom and I are really enjoying and sticking to it. So I think it's a good investment.

Drew Brees was tagged as franchise player for the San Diego Chargers, I won't give up hope completely (there's still a part of me that thinks tj can come back to the Packers), but it's looking awfully dim. http://www.nfl.com/teams/story/SD/8204285 It says it's a non-exclusive tag, so other teams can negotiate. Ron Wolf and the crew has been gutsy in the past aquiring who they want, and that would be a gutsy move--a big price, and a possible year on the bench for Drew. But I want the Purdue man to come to GB! After all, who else do you know that you can type your name with only your left hand on the home row? Brett Favre....Drew Brees Dumb luck? I think not.

A couple of days ago the Bills released Drew Bledsoe. Broke my heart. Some guys aren't respected. You would never see Dan Marino released so someone could take over, same with Brett or the dreaded Elway. Now, Drew isn't those three guys, but he made significant contributions to the success of his teams. He led that Pats team to the Super Bowl, not Brady. He stuck it out and started that season. Brady swept in and had the glory. Cinderella indeed. The same with Trent Dilfer. The Ravens were pretty solid on defense for a couple of seasons, Trent comes in, everything else clicks, they win the Super Bowl. Well, since the defensive was what really won them the ring, there was no need to keep Trent around. Cut him, get some nobody to play the role....ooops, now they're laughable again.

Shaky Legs

I generally feel weird tonight...and I'm not sure why. Maybe it all got to me, but a day late. At least I was strong for awhile. I was so exhausted today. It was a pain dragging myself out of bed, and the day then generally went like that...dragging myself from place to place.

I saw the Llama bumper sticker again today...every Tuesday...it makes me want to pet the car. I have to remind myself that petting may not be an acceptable public action. But if the owner came out, she would understand.

I'm amused. In some relationships, I can share everything...some know my fears, goals, deepest secrets. Others I'm bored out of my mind making small talk, or they are simply talking at me, waiting for responses to a subject revolving around nothing but themself. There are only two people who I have shared the "everything" to. Then two who know the most...and then varying levels of the rest.

I had some really good, random conversations tonight. Like I said before, I miss my friends, the way relationships were.

I'm going to suffer tomorrow for not going to bed earlier. But sometimes sleep needs to be sacrificed.

Vertigo

I hate the white walls. It's such a shock to my senses to be emersed in the starry night room and then to come back to this blandness. It has gotten better, I have touches to make it feel like me, comforts of home. I have duckies, lilies, irises and of course there's TJ. But the walls are still white. You would think with the lighter walls it would be brighter in here. But the light is, for some reason, diffused. Maybe that was what was to blame for the higher electricity bills after all *wink, wink*

Well.......i'm going to try to be productive some more tonight *sigh*

Yay for John Mayer ;-)

My Little Llama

My aches were annoying me tonight...and i needed to distract myself by talking to someone. So I im'ed Eric, aka: little llama. With schedules and random distractedness I haven't gotten to talk to Eric as much as I would like to...same with most other people.

I miss that. It was great freshman and sophomore year all of the time we spent talking to each other on the computer. Mom never liked it...she said I should venture out in the world and make other friends, and yes, I agree, I should...and I did. But these online friends are just as long lasting. I love them as much as I do the friends I have made in conventional ways.
I also wrote to Charity and Kevin. That's also weird, getting so close and then drifting so far away. That's life though.

My brain has always worked on a different wavelength than other people. Sarah Brehm was the first who had a similiar frequency. She dreamt up Donkleyland and loved Aladdin Fest and embraced the Ducks. But then the frequencies started to tune differently...I had quite a few years where I was on the edge, never quite feeling comfortable, made to feel bad because I didn't like the things everyone else did. Then I met Kerry, Jenny and that crew. I fit in again! Better yet, I felt normal...and that normalicy brought out the outlandishly crazy parts..as most of our high school knew.

But then it went further, I found Brian and Tim (not to mention Eric, Kim and Jeffy). I feel so comfortable, so at home...it's refreshing. Sometimes I want to be read like a book. I want to say something and have them know that there's something wrong and work it out of me because they know I need to talk. They give that to me, and it feels good.

I've also been blessed to develop the other friendships...my darling baby goat, Kerry. We shared the love of journalism, and we've grown with it, through it and so much closer beyond that.

I feel so bad for people who don't allow themselves that vunerablitly to let friends in...friends aren't just the people you get drunk with. They are the people who stick by you when you're down and hurt when you aren't happy...but they can't do that for you if you're pushing them away. Friends are still only human, with their own concerns and problems. After so much abuse, they may not return.

So I guess this is a thank you. To friends of all kinds, but especially Kerry, Tim, Kim, Jeff, Brian and Eric (and Curt too! we went through some hard times together and if nothing else, there was that)

Flew out of my head

Just got done with the Victoria aerobic workout. She's trying to make me hip and have rhythm. HA! I'll show her. I turn her down and put on whatever music is going through my rotation. (Right now Seether ft. Amy Lee...yeah i know i'm behind the times, but I don't really listen to radio)

I finished balancing my gb checkbook and savings...everything matches up again. I really should be slapped on the wrist for procrastinating! Gb needed since December and savings since July *gasp* The Colby checking account needs a lot of work. That's what i'll do next week.

So then I was looking at my agenda for what I need to do, a lot of stuff there, more than what's on my other to do list...and i found something I wanted to do...but as soon as I turned to do it...it flew out of my head. Dammit.

I went outside to take the garbage out...it's so nice...nice enough, in fact, to play tennis. That would have been so awesome.

Clutter

Today is a day of clutter. I see it. I feel it all around me. If I can get everything clean and do some of my "To Do" stuff it will be a good day.

So far I did some research for our San Francisco trip. I'm looking forward to Napa and Sonoma Valley--and Ghiradelli Square!!

But now I don't know what to do...maybe write some letters that I've been meaning to do for awhile.